Life of Savrah

In Love with Life

2011-07-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting down to write for the first time is a bit, and the way I feel now is about a million miles from how I've ever ever felt before. Not to be completely dramatic...and...holy shit!

I am absolutely, for sure, unbelievably, happier than I have ever been...in my life.

It's like I have spent the past few years...many years, preparing myself for what is happening now. And I believe that I am as ready as I will ever be.

What has happened is that I am in LOVE. I don't mean to sound cheesy, because there is absolutely nothing cheesy about the way I feel, or the man I fell in love with, or anything about our relationship. And at the same time, it's waaay cheesy. The things we say to each other, the things we do for each other- sheesh.

And believe it or not...we met online.

About 7 weeks ago I came to the conclusion that relationship is actually really important to me, and I want to be in one-a good one. My therapist encouraged me to join some online sites and for the first time, I actually did it- wholeheartedly. I went on a number of mediocre dates. They were always coffee dates in my neighborhood. He had to live close by. The guys were always under 5' 10". I even went to a speed dating event.

And then this man and I got connected through ok cupid- a free site. He invited me for hike in Santa Monica where he lives. He was 6' 1". For some reason I said yes. When I saw him walking towards me on the street where we first met, I immediately decided that he wouldn't be into me because he was so tall. He was a "man", not a boy. I was wearing these camo yoga pants and I had my dreadlocks in pony tails. I was just being myself.

The hike was fun. perfect. We got along very well. I felt no pressure because I figured there was no way he would be interested, which really put me at ease. He invited me to dinner after the hike and I said yes. I got a little feeing of excitement in my chest. When we were sitting at the restaurant, looking at the menu to decide what to get to go, his leg was touching mine. That was the first moment I thought that maybe he liked me. That was also the first moment that I connected with the fact that I liked him.

It didn't take long after that that we were in his apartment. We spent the entire night awake= talking, kissing, watching funny youtube videos, talking, kissing. It was amazing.

Then I went away for the weekend- which was absolutely perfect. When I got back from that trip we ended up spending the following week together. Then I went away again for two weeks- though I came home to see him for two days in the middle.

It was all perfect. It is all perfect. Being with him gives me access to all the best parts of myself, and sheds a gentle light on the challenging parts. I am so absolutely grateful to him, to whatever greater source exists that is looking out for me, and for him, and to every experience I have had that has prepared me for this experience. I am extremely grateful to all of the previous teachers I have had who have led me to the exact spot I am in today. I am so utterly happy, joyous, and excited for every next moment, every joy, every challenge that awaits.

cookin'

2011-02-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

I'm in Denver for a few days. I'm staying with a friend who hired me to come out and cook for her. She's got a writing deadline and she thought it would be easier if she had some fairly healthy food prepared that she could eat now, and have in the freezer for later. It's a great idea and a super gig for me!

So this is what happens for me often. I'm doing this gig- or any new work endeavor, and I start to think that it is a great idea. I start to think more about it. Ok, this is fun- I could market this. I could have a few clients that wanted the same food. I could serve some now and package some to freeze. It all sounds good. And then I stop myself. I start thinking- who would the clients be? How much could I charge. How would I market my services. Would I really want to do this for a number of people. And then I let the idea go.

I've done it so many times. I have so many ideas. I've done so many projects one time, or two times. I lack confidence in my abilities. I wonder whether they really like the food.

People say they like the food. Today I got an email from a caterer I work for asking me for a recipe because she wants to use it at an upcoming gig. I make food every week for one friend, and this friend in Denver flew me out here to cook for her.

Low self esteem is really a bummer.

I spend my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop- of course it's going to!

All of this said, I'm not entirely sure how to turn it around. Part of me thinks I just have to feel all of the fear and discomfort and resistance and do it anyway. Part of me thinks I ought to be grateful for the awesome opportunities I do have- which I am- and I should just be glad I'm doing ok.

part of me thinks I think too much.

Generally though, I'm feeling pretty good overall. We went to the Korean spa today and had massages. Tomorrow it's potato leek soup and a roasted veggie quiche. Friday it's back to LA. And I did move. And I love my new home.

Hello Again

2011-01-03T23:34:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a year since I last posted. Today I read all of my previous entries and was amazed to remember all that has happened since I started this blog. Things have really changed a lot in my life. I am still living in Los Angeles, getting ready to move out of my studio apartment, into a larger one bedroom. I'm still doing catering work, and I just had the opportunity to do a raw gig, which doesn't happen very often. It went really smoothly.

Most things in my life look pretty good from the outside these days. I'm doing the catering and I'm also a personal chef for a friend of mine. I'm pretty involved in a recovery program where I go to meetings just about every day and am connected to a lot of people through that. I've started going to group therapy once a week which I like. I've started to volunteer for different organizations in the city. I'm gonna keep looking around until I find one I really enjoy. Like I said, I'm moving into a nicer, bigger apartment in a nice neighborhood. I have a decent amount of friends, though I really don't feel a sense of community. I'm not dating anyone which is kind of ok, and kind of lonely.

The main thing that is going on is that I feel deeply sad, a lot of the time. I know there are things I could be doing to make myself feel better and I am having a difficult time motivating myself to do all of them. My diet is not so good, though I am not overeating and my weight has pretty much stayed the same for over a year, which is pretty astounding for me. I'm smoking and drinking coffee which feel really good to me right now, though I know they are not very healthy. I keep thinking about the idea of exercising more, but I just don't want to do it. I keep thinking about getting a part time job at a cafe or something, but I just don't want to do that either. I am on a couple online dating sites, but I can't get myself to respond to anyone who writes to me because I just don't want to go out with them.

I'm not sure how I have become this person. I know this time won't last forever. I know the only person who can change my situation is myself. I know I am a good person, a good friend, and I have a lot of gifts. I'm just in a really stuck place right mow and I guess I must want to be here, because I do believe we get what we want. All I feel like I can do is pray for the inspiration to feel better, and to do the things that will facilitate that

Finding Some Sort of Balance

2010-01-13T14:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to a diner at 10pm and ate a tuna melt. When the waitress took my order she said, "do you want fries with that?", and I said, "Yes!", enthusiastically without even flinching or thinking about it. It tasted okay- not great- but pretty good and I ate the whole thing, including all of the fries. I felt tired right after I ate it and I woke up this morning noticing that my face felt greasy. A woman at the table was talking about how lately she is moving more and more towards a vegan diet, just naturally, because meat is starting to gross her out. I feel like I am moving naturally in the opposite direction. And as I experiment more and more with eating all kinds of cooked food I am learning what my body truly wants, and what it doesn't want.

Here's what I've discovered:

Animal protein- yes! preferably chicken, free range, grain fed, whole animal-bone in, roasted, I'm even wanting to eat the bone marrow

Dark Leafy Greens= Yes! Mostly raw, though steamed kale is ok, or collards

Other veg- not so much- a little radishes and cukes in salad

Dairy- No!

Beans- only sprouted mung beans at the moment

Grains- not so much- maybe a little quinoa here and there

Coffee- Yes! Though there's definitely a voice of judgement around that, and also sheer joy in having it.

Nuts- No!

Seeds- a little- pumpkin, hemp

Fruit- some citrus as long as it's organic and good! Cravings for bananas.

Other sweeteners/snacks- not so much.

Sauerkraut/kimchi- Yes!

It feels good to write that out. It feels good to be honest about it and to not feel incredibly guilty about what I'm eating. I'm still not overeating which is a miracle. Last night I did have a moment after I ate when I thought- 'shit, I hope I don't start gaining weight'.

I went to Whole Foods the other night at about 10pm. I shopped around for something to eat. I bought: a roasted chicken, some vegan rice paper rolls with peanut sauce, 2 half pints of different kale salads, and three packs of dehydrated veggie snacks- sweet potato, string bean, and oyster mushroom, and some dried mango. Being there and buying all of that stuff I had the same feeling I used to have when I would buy food to binge on. I was a little concerned that I would come home and eat it all. I felt a little embarrassed that other people would see me buying all of that stuff and think I was a pig. I also felt a little guilty because it cost a lot.

And then I came home. I tasted all of the dried veggies. I made a plate of chicken, kale salad and kimchi. And I ate it. I left the rest in the fridge or on the shelf and today, two days later, most of it is still there. I feel pretty amazed and pretty good about how that worked out.

I guess the point of all of this is that I want to acknowledge that something is shifting around my relationship to food. I have spent so much of my life in guilt and shame around eating and that is really being lifted. It does feel like a miracle!

Lately I have put some focus on god, or whatever you choose to call the divine force of the Universe. I have been questioning it's existence, and at the same time entertaining the idea that thinking I am in control of my life, or should be, is a complete joke. I have been exploring the idea that I am powerless over myself, other people, and pretty much everything except how I choose to react to whatever happens around me. In a way it's a huge relief. I realize that there is no perfect way to be and that I will get what I get regardless of whether I do the right thing or not. And the way things are with me and food are evidence that these things are true.

I also realize that there are things I can do to make life more manageable in moments where I just don't get what I want. I can call someone who will simply listen to me without offering suggestions. I can distract myself by doing something else. I can do preventative things like exercising and meditating. And a new one is that I can get on my knees and pray. I can write. I can talk to myself.

Facing The Music

2009-12-19T15:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm here. In LA. Staying put.

And basically....it sucks.

On the outside things look pretty good. I've been working some- not a lot, though I have enough money to survive and that was what I wanted anyway- to ease in. And I generally get to make food everyday without having to spend money on it which is a huge help in maintaining my sanity.

My relationship is going well. He was just here last week for almost a week and I had a really good time. He's in SF now, and he's coming back after the first of the year which I'm looking forward to. And I know that I will be able to get up there sometime in January too- so for the meantime, that seems okay.

Generally, I'm just feeling really anxious and insecure. I'm having a hard time motivating to do things to make me feel more connected here, and more at ease.

It all makes sense. I really did spend the past few years moving around a lot- seeking, searching, looking for my purpose in life. I felt like there had to be something I was meant to do and that when I found it, everything would fall into place quite simply. I would know where to live, how to make money, what relationship to be in, what activities to pursue. And now I realize that either I haven't found it yet, or that that idea is simply a fantasy. Or that those things are really happening and I just can't seem to recognize it. That last thought has got me kinda down. It's like- now that you have everything you thought you wanted out of life you are supposed to be giddy all the time. It makes me think that I have been on this search- not for the selfless goal of fulfilling my life's purpose, but for the selfish goal of easing some sort of deep pain. And I am distorted in thinking that the pain I feel could even be eased by things that are coming from anywhere other than inside of me.

And what the heck is that pain anyway? It feels like it goes back to all of these ideas I have which are not really true, and yet I hold onto fiercely- I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to get what I want, I am unloveable, I am needy, I am immature...I could probably go on, though I'm not sure it's useful. I know that those things are not true and that in order to keep remembering that they are not true it is important to do things that remind me otherwise.

I know that these ideas are common. Everyone thinks them at times- or at least I have heard a lot of people share that they have thoughts like this.

I feel like I want a record playing all the time of other people telling me how wonderful I am. Like hearing that all the time would boost me up enough to go out into the world and act like it's true- and then I would meet people who see me as this amazing person, and then I would continue to be that person. Because I can be that person at times. There are times that I love myself. There are times that I am feeling confident enough that I can be so engaged with another person that I can simply forget about all of that negative self talk and be present. Lots of times- probably most of the time really.

Writing all of this down, publishing it, makes me feel quite shameful. I'm not sure why I'm even doing it- whether it's a good idea or not. I'm just sick of hiding things- particularly from myself. And I'm getting pretty tired of feeling bad. And I'm feeling like I ought to try whatever I can to accept the feelings and allow them to pass. Because I know that everything which arises passes away, and that the more difficult things generally are, the more I end up learning and growing, and the more grateful I am in hindsight.

I'll end with what I am grateful for at this moment:

1. I have a comfortable home which I can afford.

2. I have at least 3 friends who live in town that I can hang out with.

3. I have a few close friends that I can talk to on the phone.

4. I have a family that loves me.

5. I have a boyfriend who is sweet, and patient, and understanding.

6. I have a recovery community here.

7. I have so many tools to help me lead a healthy life.

That's all for now.

Love,

Savrah

ps If anyone happens to read this I would love to hear from you.

Here, there and everywhere- well, mostly LA and SF

2009-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

Ah, I'm back in LA after a little over two weeks away. It was an incredible whirlwind of a trip, and now I'm quite happy to be home. And I'm here for just 3 days before I head back to SF for the weekend. Then I'm back for another 3 days before I go up to SF and then to Reno for Thanksgiving. So much traveling is beginning to get to me.

I think a lot of the reason I've been away so much is that I'm avoiding being settled here in my new home, in Los Angeles. If I choose to really admit that I am living in this new place where I don't know where everything I need is, and I don't have so many friends, and I don't have steady work...it's a little bit scary. I get to really make this business happen. I can take some classes and join some groups, and make some new friends. I get to find out where to go for all the things I need. And I guess once I begin to do those things, it is inevitable that I will become somewhat attached. I will be planting roots, once again, in a city which is far away from where I came, and far away from most people I love.

And also I have been going to SF a lot, because the man I am dating is there and I love spending time with him. And that travel has been so fun and exciting. And on this last visit something has shifted. Up until this visit, each time I have gone there it has been really fun, and when I leave it has been sweet and easy to say goodbye. This time, the day before I left I began to feel some anxiety. It was almost as if I didn't want to go, even though I really did want to come home- I just didn't want to leave him. For so many reasons I really love the way things are- him living in SF and me down here. I get to go up there and be in my old hometown, and see my friends, and spend sweet time with this man I so adore. He lives right down the street from where Paul teaches yoga on the weekends, I've been able to see my awesome chiropractor and other bodyworkers, I get to eat at Cafe Gratitude and shop at Rainbow- it's pretty cool. I guess it's simply the traveling that is taxing on me. And the expense. And maybe my mind is jumping towards the future- wondering if this is sustainable long term. I guess it's really all about taking things as they come and letting go of thoughts about the future.

In general, I have been doing some thinking about this relationship. It's been going on for almost three months. In some ways it feels way shorter and in other ways it feels like we've been together a long long time. I love and less than love that we are complete opposites in so many ways. I've been joking that they could make a sitcom out of our story. I love the constant opportunities that I get to let go of my viewpoints, and to let go of the ways I've attempted to get what I want through manipulation- he generally doesn't play that game. I love that he is incredibly intelligent, and quite good at many things I'm less than the best at. I love that he is incredibly generous with his time and his space and that he is happy to talk about whatever I want to talk about, most of the time. I love that he is super active and always wants to do something- and I love that we actually don't do very much most of the time. I love that he is not too tall, and he is handsome, and I love cuddling up to him in bed. There are many more things I could add to this list, and I think I'll stop here for now.

And then there are the things I less than love. Most of them are actually ways in which the actual person differs from the idea I had in my mind of the type of person I would date. It's things like the fact that our political and spiritual views appear to differ greatly- though I'm not sure that in the end they really do. It's silly moments, like when we were in Rainbow and he was buying brown sugar, and he was insistent on buying it in a package versus bulk. I was feeling like "WHY??", because I am such a fan of bulk items- I feel like they are cheaper and fresher and if anything they save on packaging. And he felt like it would be much easier to get the package. It's completely ridiculous that I got upset about that. And I did. And what went through my mind was, 'is this really the guy for you?'. THAT SEEMS CRAZY, now that I think about it.

Maybe being in a relationship is really an opportunity to take a good look at yourself. Maybe it's a chance to say hey- you are really being ridiculous about some things and if you want to get along in the world it would serve you to lighten up. I am grateful for those lessons, because I do want to get along in the world. And I do love all of the good stuff. And I do appreciate the challenges. I am actually really happy with the whole situation.

So I guess I'll make the most of my 3 days in LA. I'll do laundry, hopefully get into Rawvolution or at least talk to them, ride my bike, go to some meetings, get to the coop or erewhon, go to Agape tonight, head to the doctor tomorrow, pay bills, etc. Mostly I will spend time getting grounded before my next adventure....

Checking In

2009-10-23T01:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to write and I want to check in. I've been going to a lot of recovery meetings lately and I tend to feel the same way there about sharing. Everyone has the opportunity to speak there. You get three minutes to say pretty much whatever you want and noone will answer back. It's generally really freeing- though much better if the share is really honest, really whatever is going on for me at that moment. And sometimes it's tough to access the bottom line- the deepest stuff. Sometimes I start talking and completely fumble my words and don't really get to the point. And generally, I am really liking going to the meetings, meeting lots of people who have similar experiences to mine, feeling like I fit into a group where I can have the opportunity to release some of the crazy thoughts in my head and hear some good ideas from other people.

My arms still itch, though I've had a shift in my attitude towards the situation. Somehow, I'm not quite as angry about it anymore. I've completed the scabies treatment. I've been taking my Chinese herbs. The acupuncturist believes there has been some improvement. I went to see a holistic MD who said he thinks it's emotional. He suggested I do some kind of aggressive physical exercise. I shared about it in a meeting a couple days ago, and somehow I feel all around less shameful about it. I get it that it's not my fault, and I cannot control it. I get that I am doing everything in my power and that it simply may not be enough to resolve the situation. And that is okay.

What happens in my life when everything is going well? My bills are paid, I have taken care of all of the details that need taking care of, I have no drama with people, I am happy with all of my relationships, I like my home, I have goals and a purpose. There's a part of my that is very content, and another part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess what there is to do is to be grateful, extremely grateful.

New Things

2009-10-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

I just spent an hour changing the colors on the blog. It was ready for a new look- and now it's ready for some new material! My life has changed immeasurably since I last wrote in May. The short of it is this:

I ended a year long, completely unhealthy romantic relationship.

I went on a vision quest during which I spent 4 days, alone on Mount Shasta.

I learned to build fire!

I burned a box of journals dating back to 1993.

I moved out of my home in Patagonia.

I moved into a studio apartment in West Hollywood.

I went to Burning Man.

I met a good man who I started dating.

My friend Cami, with the help of Ikea and a couple of strong guys decorated my entire apartment.

I started regularly attending recovery meetings.

I got a sponsor.

I made sauerkraut.

Many other things have for sure happened, and all of it has been a whirlwind. I think I love LA. I'm still getting to know my surroundings. My new boyfriend lives in San Francisco so I've been up there a lot of weekends, which is pretty much like going home for a visit.

The main thing that has overshadowed just about everything else for about a year now, is something I was really in denial about until quite recently, and I finally feel I am having some clarity around it.

SCABIES

There. I said it. I am naming it as something I had for a year. It was only on my arms. They itched so unbelievably that I wanted to rip them off. I have the scabs and scars to prove it.

It began with a series of mosquito bites that itched like crazy. Then the bites were gone and my arms continued to itch- particularly at night, particularly in the elbow creases. I thought it was from eating sugar, or from emotional upheaval. It did seem to lessen as I cut out sugar for a few months and as the emotional stuff felt like it was settling. And yet it did not go away. I guess I started to accept it as just a part of life.

Then I went to Burning Man and met Bee. We started to spend a lot of time together pretty immediately. He became aware of my situation which brought my attention back to it. And it started itching worse. And he suggested that it might be scabies.

I freaked out. I researched it. It seemed possible yet not probable until... he started itching too.

I went to the acupuncturist who kinda shrugged when I said scabies. She gave me some herbs to take to restore the balance of yin and yang in my body, figuring that will take care of whatever is going on.

I spoke to my cousin who was a dermatologist for 30 years. He said it's very unlikely that it is scabies, though he had no idea what it is.

I found hundreds of accounts online of people who have had itchy arms for 10 years or more with little or no success in treatment.

I looked up the affirmations for arms and itching in Louise L. Hay's book- she believes all medical conditions result from emotional imbalances.

And yesterday, I did the full scabies treatment. I washed every item of clothing and bedding in hot water and dried it on high heat. Anything that could not be washed I placed in plastic garbage bags to sit for two weeks. I vacuumed everything, even the furniture and sprayed it all with lice spray. And then I took a shower, after which I applied premethrin, a pesticide, to my entire body.

To my incredible surprise, I actually feel about a million times better. They say the itching can last another week or two and I should do the cream again in another week. Ok. In the meantime I posted the affirmations on my wall and I say them a lot. I'm drinking water, meditating, exercising, taking the Chinese herbs. I am going to see several bodyworkers in SF next week who I love. I actually practiced a little Yoga this morning and I realize I've gone to at least 1 class a week for the last month. Things are beginning to feel quite manageable.

The affirmations:

I lovingly hold and embrace my experiences with ease and with joy!

I am at peace where I am. I accept my good, knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled!

Love to YOU!

Savrah

What's coming through lately...

2009-05-29T11:29:00.000-07:00

I've come to this page to write a blog entry a few times lately. I stare at the page for a few minutes, decide that I really have nothing to say, and then I leave. It's interesting really. Sometimes lately I am so aware of the fact that there is really no need for words- or maybe it's simply that I am challenged by the idea of attempting to communicate what's going on inside of me lately. So here's my attempt...

We are all spirit, embodied in physical form. While we are in these bodies, the lessons we are presented with are all about learning to recognize our true nature, love and accept ourselves and all others, remember who we truly are. Many of these lessons come through relationships with other people. Every time we have any reaction to any situation we have the opportunity to learn and grow. The way we do this is by separating ourselves from our thoughts and feelings. I am not merely my thoughts and feelings. They exist, as I have created them. The nature of thoughts and feelings is that they arise, and then they pass away. This wave will happen regardless of how I choose to respond to any particular thought or feeling. By attaching myself to thoughts and feelings I cause stress to my body, mind and spirit. When I allow these thoughts and feelings to exist without responding to them, my whole being is able to be in a state of calm and presence and I am able to recognize who I truly am- god, embodied in a physical form. And then there is nothing to worry about. When I am present in the moment, simply recognizing my thoughts and feelings without attempting to judge them, (good or bad), there is nothing to do, nothing to solve, nowhere to go. All is well.

My world is completely created by my intention, desires, thoughts and feelings. Whatever I choose to place my attention on is what occurs for me. If I choose to focus energy on what I want yet do not have, I will continue to want and n0t have that thing. When I choose to focus my energy on what I truly desire, and put forth energy towards that truly existing in my life, I see that it does truly exist already. If I imagine something which I want and keep thinking of it as something existing in the future, it will stay in the future. I truly believe that I actually have everything I could possibly want right now. When I set intention towards what it is that I truly desire, I do so imagining that whatever it is, I am rich with that right now. It definitely takes a leap of faith to experience this. And in my experience it is completely 100% true all the time.

Often, in the past, when I would think of what I desired, I'd get bogged down in thinking about "how" that thing would happen. Sometimes, in the past, I have gotten so involved in figuring out the "how", that I have failed to notice when whatever it is that I desire is being presented to me in a different way than I had envisioned. Like for example I would think, "how am I going to make money if I have no job", and then I would come up with plans and lists for how that was going to happen. This would occupy my mind and my time so much that I failed to recognize that somehow, while I was thinking and thinking and stressing out about the how, I was actually living for months without a job and my needs were completely being taken care of. People were offering me opportunities to trade for goods and services, and I even got a mysterious check in the mail. When I realized this it was like a huge weight suddenly lifted from my shoulders. "You mean I can actually thrive doing exactly what I want and everything is okay?", I would think. Little by little, through trust and faith, I have come to believe more and more that this is not only possible, it is the exact nature of how the Universe works.

One huge epiphany I have been struck with over the past months is the value of having faith in god, or whatever you recognize as a higher power. For me, I always intellectually accepted the idea that there is some force of nature governing the Universe, yet I did not recognize the faith within me through experience. This changed for me when I was hanging around a spiritual community that uses music as a major part of their spiritual practice. When I would listen to these folks play music and when I would sing with them, something just hit me deep in my soul. I suddenly was able to connect so many dots of faith that were lying within me- so many times I had called it love, or intuition, or just feeling good. I realized that all of those moments were actually moments when I was feeling oneness with spirit. Once I started to accept this as reality, truth, I was able to connect with it more and more. Now I am starting to really get that I am fully supported by the Universe at all times, no matter where I am, what I am thinking or doing. This has allowed me to feel completely safe, calm and happy regardless of whether I am alone or with others, whether the weather is sunny or cloudy, and whether I am feeling good or bad. As far as I see it, it's all wonderful and it's all part of the grand plan. And it's not my job to understand the grand plan- I just have to play out my part. Whew!

I think that's where I'll leave it for today. My intention is to use this space to continue to get clearer and clearer with the messages that are coming through me lately. Thanks to anyone that happens to read this.

Fermentation Party

2009-05-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's 2:47 on saturday. Today at 4 is the first event for the Patagonia Raw Food Meetup group. It's happening here at my house. I am going to teach an hour long class on fermentation and then we will have a potluck. I am planning to spend about an hour preparing- cleaning up the house, getting out the materials for the demo, and getting mentally and emotionally prepared. I'm mostly really relaxed and looking forward to it. Making fermented foods has really become my main passion lately. I make at least a one gallon batch of something a week, usually more. I do lots of variations of kraut and kimchi, pickled vegetables of all kinds, kombucha, kefir, seed cheeses, (though not so much of that lately). It usually takes about two hours to do a large batch of veggies.

I am excited to be able to have the floor for an hour, to share something that I love. There are so many ways to do fermentation, and I am going to share about the way I do it. And it's going to be hands on. Everyone will get to do some chopping and some massaging.

Sandor Katz is pretty much my fermentation hero. He wrote the book Wild Fermentation which is the most comprehensive modern book on the subject. What I like about him is his absolute faith and trust in the fermentation process itself. I share this faith too. And sure, there are some ways that I do things differently from him.

I just love the idea that people are coming here to be in my kitchen, where I play all the time, and they have an interest in what I love to do. Come to think of it my ultimate career fantasy is that I get to do what I love to do and people come over to learn about it. I'm curious about making this a reality.

I love that lately I have simply been doing what I want and not concerning myself with thoughts about how I "need to get a job" or that I "need to have a purpose, be doing something important, be of service to the world in a particular way". Well, I guess those thoughts are obviously around, and also I am allowing them to exist, yet not dwelling on them too much. My energy is going much more into what do I want to do right now? What would I like my life to be like this moment, and what are my visions for the furture? When I am concentrating on these things, time seems to pass without me being particularly aware of it, and yet everything that needs to get done seems to get done. It's been a bit of a trip to start having these experiences rather than simply knowing about them, thinking about them, wishing for them.

I see that it's now 3:06 so I am going to get on with the preparations.

:)

Best World Ever

2009-04-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

I returned last night from two days in Las Vegas. I went there to attend the wedding of my best friend Emily.

We've been friends since the first grade. We became friends when we were trying to walk past each other between two tables in our classroom. We both looked up at each other, smiling, and we realized that we had both lost the same tooth. She left my school after second grade, though that didn't stop us from being friends. We used to spend every Saturday together when we were kids and then we graduated to spending hours each night on the phone as teenagers. The only break in our relationship came when I had a boyfriend senior year of high school. I was so consumed with my first experience of romantic love that I stopped calling Emily for almost the whole year. Thank god she was willing to forgive me after that. Ever since we both moved away from Baltimore we have been in consistent touch. We used to talk once a week for an hour. We would see each other a couple times a year, mostly we would go on vacations together. That was fun! These past few years, since she started dating, and then living with Joe, we talk and see each other less frequently, though the connection is strong. I'll always consider her my best friend.

It was incredibly special to get to be at her wedding. It was in a court house in Las Vegas, and I was one of three guests. It was short and sweet, and after the wedding the newlyweds and I spent the day hiking in this beautiful canyon right near the Hoover Dam. Then they went out to dinner and I watched, "Good Will Hunting", on tv in my suite at the Venetian. All in all it was really perfect.

I am now back home in Patagonia.
I love it here.
The weather is awesome right now and everything is so beautiful.
Tomorrow it is back to working on the garden and my singing group at night.
The house is wonderful, the plants are thriving, I'm really enjoying my mellow routines of meditating, exercising, eating well, fermenting food, going to do activities around town, emailing and talking with friends and family. Life is starting to feel quite simple and relaxing.

It's an adjustment to accept that there is no problem- everything is just as it should be, just as it is. Rather than focusing on what I "want", I've been setting visions for what my life is, recognizing all that I am grateful for. Guess what? It really is that simple. I have decided that as tempting as it can be to engage in the drama of relationships, the media, stuff (having or not having it), good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, "trying" to do or be anything, even thoughts and emotions...as tempting as all of that can be at times- IT"S NOT WORTH IT! And it's completely unneccesary!

I had this Indian swami who was a teacher of mine once and he always used to say, "You are the Happiness". It's true. You are everything you think you want to be or are searching, seeking, working or trying to be. You already are it. Really.

The way I am coming more and more into recognizing this on a moment by moment basis is by shifting my language and my thinking. I have completely shifted to placing the focus of my attention to the best possible outcome of everything, all the time. When some thought or feeling comes up that is contradictory to this way of being, I allow it to arise, without placing any meaning on it, and eventually it passes away. This process is slow, and there are many moments daily when I catch myself in old habit patterns of thought, feeling, action. I am beginning to really appreciate those moments as learning opportunites, and they get easier and easier all the time. I am motivated by the vision of everyone believing in possibility for themselves and others, all the time- everyone seeing the best in themselves and in others all the time. This is the world I am living into and you have my permission to live in this world too. Think about it...

Projects that are Manifesting in My life NOW

2009-04-17T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am in the eye of the tornado. I feel extremely calm, grounded, centered. And I can see the world spinning around me at a severely advanced rate. I'm not actually referring to the state of America right now, though things are certainly spinning these days. What I am talking about is the fact that there is such an abundance of projects and activities going on in my own life- so many things to devote energy and attention to, and I can feel them all calling to me for attention. How cool!

Here's a short list of some of what's brewing:

1. My book- How I know what I know and How You can Figure it Out Too.
2. Join a Burning Man camp
3. Home Garden
4. Sprouting at Rothrock
5. Making and Sharing Savrah Kraut and Pickles
6. Manifestation of my Soul Mate
7. Monday Sing It In! Sing It Out!
8. Room Rental Project
9. Sell the Isuzu
10. Sending weekly recipes to Mary
11. Fridays at the Sprout house
12. Weekly bodywork sessions
13. Daily Routine- journal, meditaion, yoga/exercise, smoothie
14. House cleaning and Organizing
15. Sunday Kirtan
16. Tuesday Dance freedom
17. Wednesday Conscious Language
18. Thursday and Saturday ACA meetings

I'm excited to spend time and energy on each of these things, and in fact they are really what I'm already doing. The best part is that I am learning and experiencing that the more I simply set myself a plan and then let it go and allow myself to be in the energetic flow of life, the more of the things from my plan seem to get accomplished- and with way less effort to make them happen. You know what I mean?? It's really true what they all say... Let go and let god, go with the flow, lean into it, float downstream, etc, etc.

even right now, for example. It's pretty late for me to be up- after 11. Part of me wants to berate myself for staying up too late and make myself get to bed this instant so that I can accomplish all I would like to do tomorrow. And then the other part of me is all about forgiving myself for wanting to be mean and forceful- allowing myself to write this blog entry, which is something I've been wanting to do lately, and trusting that I'll get to bed at the time I need to and that tomorrow will be however it's meant to be. And I know it will. And I trust that it may or may not look like I imagine it to.

Today I finished planting all of my garden seeds in starter trays and then Chip and I went to pick up all of the materials to build the fence which will protect the garden from all of the critters that might want to eat the food. We're going to start building hte fence on Monday and I am really looking forward to it!

I made a bunch of kale chips again yesterday and they should be completely dehydrated by tomorrow. I have been working on this recipe for a few weeks now, which was inspired by these "Quite Cheezy Kale Chips" made by Blessing in Berkely. I like some of the concoctions I've created even better than the Blessing version. The only drawback is that each time I make them I eat them soooo quickly because they are THAT good. even the ones in the dehydrator now- I've eaten half of the batch and they are not completely done yet! the basic recipe is that you take a bunch of any kind of kale, or collards or chard and cut it into 1-2" strips. Put it in a large mixing bowl. In the vitamix, combine some kind of nuts or seeds with nutritional yeast, lemon juice, red bell pepper, salt and water. Blend all of that up into a creamy sauce, pour it over the kale, mix well, spread on a dehydrator tray with a teflex sheet and dehydrate until super dry at 105. They are really really tasty!

I was gifted a jasmine plant today that is healing from a few too many nights left out in near freezing temperatures. Jasmine is my absolute favorite scent lately, and house plants are my absolute obsession lately. So I feel sbsolutely blessed for the opportunity to care for this sweet being. I transplanted her into a large pot with some yummy organic potting soil and I brought her inside- she's actually just a few feet from me now. She already looks much more confortable and I am sending all the healing energy I have her way. I can almost smell the sweet scent of her blooms.

I also acquired my first orchid yesterday. With all of the new houseplants that have come into my life in teh past few weeks it feels so nice to be in this house. I love my house and I love the peace and calm of being here without any housemates. I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to spend this time here- just me, the plants, the mice and the ants.

I think I am ready to go to sleep now. Have a fantastic day...night...week...life :)

Hellloooooo!

2009-04-01T07:45:00.000-07:00

Whoa! I just came online to write the first blog entry in several months, the first entry to begin to share with you some of the incredible journey of transformation I have been on over the past few months. A large part of that sharing, (I thought), were some of the 568 photos I took with my iphone during my travels. Somehow, as I was attempting to download the photos, they were showing up in two locations on my computer, so I deleted them from one section- all of them. Not just photos from this trip...all of my photos. And not only did I delete them, I put them in the trash. And not only did I put them in the trash, I emptied the trash. And I did all of this quite deliberately, thinking I was being smart, saving tons of space on my computer.

Well guess what. What I actually did was to delete every single photo I have taken since I left to travel the world in 2005. Yeah. Pictures of the 8 months I spent in Nepal and India, Korea and Japan, Norway, France and England. Pictures from my sister's wedding, all of the photos I had of my niece's first year and a half of life, all of my photos of the past year at the Tree, several Burning Mans and Witchcamps, and Witchlets. So many food photos which might have made it into a book someday. So many friends I may or may not ever meet again. So many memories...

And you know what? The way I feel is odd. I am sorta sad, a little bit. Yet mostly, I am incredibly relieved. My heart feels so open, as if a huge stopper has been taken out, as if I have just been unplugged, unclogged, and the flood gates are opened for emotion, freedom , love, connection to come gushing out of me. Hallelujah!!

So I do apologize that I have no photos to share from my journey. They were awesome. Here are the highlights I remember:

1. So many food pictures- Meals I ate along the way...Big salads I made from the cooler in the back of my car, in my bamboo bowl. Meals I ate with friends I visited- Adam in Jacksonville, Laura in Chapel Hill, at Jamie's in Boulder, with my family in Baltimore, and again with my family on Captiva Island, SO many meals from my stay at the Optimum Health Institute, so many raw restaurants, Health food stores and farmers markets I visited:

Present Moment Cafe, St. Augustine, Fl
Shakti Life Kitchen, Jacksonville FL
Cafe Gratitude, Harrison St., SF, CA
Daily Juice Cafe, Austin, Tx
Whole Foods Raw Bar, Austin, Tx
Euphoria Loves Rawvolution, Los Angeles, CA
Julianos, Los Angeles, CA
Au Lac, Redondo Beach, CA

Santa Monica Farmers Market
Hollywood Farmers Market
San Francisco Ferry Building Farmers Market
Downtown Austin Farmers Market
Tucson Farmers Market

Rainbow Grocery, SF, CA
Co-opportunity, Santa Monica, CA
Erewhon Market, Los Angeles, CA
Whole Foods Austin- the flagship store!
Wheatsville Coop, Austin, Tx
Vitamin Cottage, Boulder, Co
So many Whole Foods stores- they seem to have one in almost every city these days
Some independent HF store in Chapel Hill, NC
Another independent HF store/juice bar in Naples, Fl

I'm sure I'm missing some. Oh- I took a lot of pics I thought I might use to market my catering services at the retreat I catered in Joshua Tree. whoooooo, (that's a deep, cleansing breath out my mouth).

2. So many pics of people I met along the way, and friends I saw for the first time in so long- one I hadn't seen in 15 years. And pics of Jamie's son, and my niece, and my family who were together for the first extended family trip ever.

3. So many incredible pics I took from my car- the most awesome sunsets, mountains, desert, highways, bridges, tunnels, downtown city centers I passed from the interstate, welcome signs for each state I entered, Karen in her car from me in mine.

4. Beautiful natural pics from spots I was in...on the beach in Cali and also on the gulf and on the coast in Florida, Barton Springs in Austin, Hot Springs in Bridgeport, CA, seagulls, crows, plants, trees...

5. Every room I stayed in from friends houses to hotels, to the incredible house we stayed in with my family, to my cute beach studio on Venice Beach.

6. Funny signs I came across, odd images I saw.

7. And a LOT of self portraits, in all of the phases of my journey. This was some kind of tangible evidence for myself that I was truly transforming.

So yeah, they are all gone. Goodbye :)

I am excited to be back home, in Patagonia, and getting settled in a whole new way. I look forward to taking time over the next weeks to share with you some of what has occurred and some of what I am living into now. For the moment, I'll leave you with this...

You truly are a manifestation of the beautiful, perfect, light of the Universe.
There is absolutely no need to question that and all the reason in the world to CELEBRATE!
You are deeply loved and held by whatever you think of as God- even if you don't believe you are!
And God, (or whatever name you have for higher power, spirit, great mother, energy, Buddha, Allah, Shiva, Krishna, Jesus, etc), only and always has your best interest at heart.
Everything that you do, everything that happens to you, everything you experience truly happens for an exquisitely good reason in exactly the way that it was meant to. This means that if you want, you can let go of attempting to control your life. And if you want to, you can hold on with tight fists. The thing is, that as you can see by all of the events around us lately, this illusion that we refer to as , "REALITY", is crumbling pretty quickly these days. And truly there is NOTHING TO FEAR and EVERYTHING TO REJOICE!

So...I say...LOVE all of yourself, all of your thoughts and feelings, all of your experiences whether they feel good or bad, all of the people you come in to contact with, all of the places you go, foods you eat, habits you practice, situations you encounter. The thing to really get is that YOU ARE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS. You are a balll of light who has the incredible fortune of spending a lifetime in a body so that you have the opportunity to witness all of the joys and pains of this physical world. Observe it, witness, enjoy it, and let it go. Everything which arises, passes away. Think about it. Meditate. Be grateful. Give it away. You are a gift.

Much love to each of you and I look forward to sharing stories of how I went from my darkest hour to the top of the highest mountain in 3 months.

Be well, enjoy the moment!
Love, Love, and SONG,
Savrah

Crossroads

2009-01-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

I'm just outside of Boulder, Colorado- alone, at my friend Karen's sister's house. I'm dogsitting for her 14 year old dog Sequoia while Karen and her sister and the rest of their family are together skiing in Vail. I just watched an episode of South Park and ate some sea palm alfredo. I'm full and tired and thought it was a good time to write a little about what the heck is going on in my life. (Maybe this will help me understand it a little).

First, let me catch you up...

My last day of work at the Tree was December 26th. By the time I left I was completely ready to go. I spent the last couple weeks closing up shop at the Sprout House, since they didn't hire someone to take my place. It was sad to see the end of the sprouting operation. I did love growing those little guys and I do miss being aroung their energy. And also, I am more than happy to be free from the confines of the politics of that organization, and really pleased to have the opportunity to wait and see what the Universe has in store for me next.

Two days after leaving the job, I was on my way to do some raw catering for a retreat in Joshua Tree for the Agape Church. I agreed to go and work with some friends who I had done cooked food catering with in the past. When they asked me to come they thought there would be 10 raw foodists at the most. By the time I arrived there were 37 people signed up to eat raw food, (out of 250 total retreat participants)! I was so excited for the opportunity and also a little nervous. We had no set menu ahead of time and it was just me to prepare 3 meals a day for 37 people for 4 days. Luckily, I had brought some crackers and kraut and sprouts that I made ahead and lots of amazing ingredients to work with.

As we were preparing the first lunch I was completely freaked out and unsure that it would make it to the table on time. It was a middle eastern theme and I was making felafels in my tiny 4 tray dehydrator that had way too little time to dehydrate. Somehow I busted out tzatziki, hummus, lemon tahini sauce, felafels, and a Greek salad. It was a grand success and I was more than pleased. From that point on I got super into it, and super serious. While the rest of the crew was working on cooked food in the kitchen, I set up a station for myself at this little prep table in the pantry. I had my vita mix and dehydrator and a cuisinart that someone else brought. For the following three days I spent 12-18 hours a day in that little closet, making all kinds of concoctions- most of which I had never made before. And people were absolutely blown away! The biggest hit was the sea palm, macadamia nut alfredo. The man who was leading the retreat, Reverend Michael Beckwith, loved ot so much that he asked me to come to his house and make it for him once a week! I'm not sure if that will actually happen or not, though it felt pretty good to know that the food was so well received.

The whole retreat experience was a whirlwind of incredible emotions for me! I loved being back in the kitchen and I loved the challenge of making so much food under pretty extreme conditions. I also loved how well my efforts were received. I realized that it was the kind of situation I love- someone else organized and hired me, and all I had to do was come in and make amazing food. And No one really told me what to do, so I was on my own to make all of the decisions. And to top it off, I made a bunch of money- most of which I have already spent...which brings me to what has happened since the retreat...

I left Joshua Tree siply driving west, unsure of where I was going or what I would do. I ended up driving to Santa Monica and checking into a far too fancy hotel for a few days. That night I slept and spent half of the next day in my hotel room, recovering. That evening I drove over to West Hollywood to attend a 12 step meeting with a frind who'd recently moved to L.A. from San Francisco. I thought that seeing her and going to the meeting would be grounding for me, which they were. I had so many ideas swimming in my head about career stuff- starting a business- catering? sprouting? counseling? making kraut? The friend who I was hanging out with has a business where she helps women get started with their own business ideas, so spending time with her was really getting my mind going. I guess I headed to L.A. because I was feeling drawn there. I also wanted to attend the service at Agape on Sunday, (which I did and it was awesome). During those few days I was in contact with Karen who was getting ready to move back east from Berkeley. She'd been asking me to do the drive with her and I sorta wanted to, and sorta didn't. When we spoke this time, she really impressed upon me that she really, really wanted my support in driving with her. So...I said yes.

The next day I drove up to SF, went shopping at Rainbow Grocery, (my favorite health food store in the world), met my friend Day at Cafe Gratitude for lunch, drove to Berkeley, packed the rest of Karen's stuff in my car, and a few hours later we were in Reno at my sister's house for the night. We left there the next morning and have been on the road ever since. We stopped at my home in Patagonia overnight so that I could unpack, repack, pay bills and collect rent checks. Then we started on our way up to Boulder. We stopped for the night in Truth or Consequences, NM, which is a quirky little town with lots of mineral hot springs. And then yesterday we made the trek up here, driving through a snow storm which was pretty intense. Now I'm at Karen's sister's house until Monday, when we'll take off again in an effort to get to Baltimore, MD by the 15th.

It's all kind of a whirlwind to me. My enotional state has been fluctuating greatly from overjoyed to deeply sad, to angry, confused, and just plain numb and dumbfounded. I keep wondering what the hell I am doing and what's coming next. All I know is that I'm heading towards my parents house to spend my Mom and Grandmother's birthdays with my whole family. After that, I'm really note sure. Here are some ideas that have been passing through my consciousness:

1. Take my time heading back to Patagonia visiting friends- Sean and Josh in Vermont, Laura in N. Carolina, Adam in Jacksonville, Andrew in Daytona Beach, Robert in Arkansas, Jon in Cleveland, Jo in Crestone, Shira in Taos- any or all of them- or others- people in NYC??

2. Get started working with Cami on developing my business- combining all of the things I love to do- kraut, sprouts, catering, cafe, teaching, counseling???

3. Go on a meditation retreat, or spend time at some other kind of healing center where I can be on a personal retreat.

4. Do an extended juice fast/feast- 30, 60, 90 days?? Include part of that at a retreat center? Do the spiritual fast at the Tree in April? Zero Point? Some other kind of spiritual workshop??

5. Get my lifestyle back on track- Yoga, exercise, meditation, eating well, being in a serene environment??

6. Hawaii? Patagonia? Flagstaff? Taos? Florida? Baltimore? L.A.? Some other country???

7. Get my job back at the Tree?

8. Get a booth at the Raw Spirit Festivals and spend my time prepping for that??

9. Get an RV and pack everything in it and spend my time traveling to visit all of the cool places I can drive to?

10. Write a book?

It feels like what I want to do changes every moment. I love having all of the options in the world and it is also extremely overwhelming. For today, I am taking a break- a break from driving, a break from talking, a break from figuring out my future. And tomorrow...who knows???

Aiming for the Middle Way

2008-12-18T00:28:00.000-08:00

I was making tester chocolates earlier for an upcoming catering gig. I ate a bunch, and once again I have learned the lesson that when I eat cacao after like 2pm I can't get to sleep before 2am. The good news is that they came out fantastically!

I am so happy to have an opportunity to play in the kitchen!! Since I've been living at the Tree for the past 9 months I have barely made food for myself at all. I get 3 meals a day as part of my salary, and they are generally pretty tasty. Well, I guess I should say that I get to eat freshly grown sprouts and greens everyday, plus sweet, heavy breakfasts that I tend to eat and don't really need most of the time. I rarely go to dinner, though I take home sprouts and veggies and make simple salads or green soups. Other than that, i've been pretty into making sauerkrauts and kimchis, kombucha, kefir, seed and nut cheeses- though even with those things I probably do one a week, and it's mostly been just for me. So with all of that said, a really cool catering gig has come my way!

Some people I used to do retreat catering with are running the kitchen for a New Years retreat in Joshua Tree National Park, (one of my favorite places). It's a 4 day silent meditation retreat and these folks usually do vegan and vegetarian food. Apparently there is a small group of participants that eat raw. The caterers remembered that I am a raw food person so they asked me to come and make food for the raw folks. At fist I was thinking that they would give me a menu and I would make the best of it. And as it is getting closer I realize that they are pretty much giving me free reign to do what I want, so long as it's simple and I have time to help them with everything else too. So I started to think about menu and recipes and over the past few days I've gotten more and more excited to create amazingly simple, beautiful and delicious raw food that will delight everyone!!

Tonight I made up a prep list and shopping list. I'm going to get everything this weekend and do as much prep ahead of time as possible. So I'll make crackers, bread, granola, sauerkraut, some drinks, chocolates all ahead and bring them with me. That way when I'm there it will be quick and easy. I'm so looking forward to making and eating foods which are slightly different from what they serve at the Tree. I mean, the Tree food is pretty awesome for the most part, yet there are some limitations on ingredients they use that I am happy to have a break from- namely GARLIC! And also, I'm simply happy to be able to make and share dishes that I really love, the way I think they taste best.

It's funny, for months I was overjoyed at having a break from preparing food for myself. Before living here, I have spent a good part of the past 5 years working in the food service industry. And for probably 6 months before coming to the Tree I pretty much made everything I ate- with the exception of Cafe Gratitude meals several times a week. Once again, I notice my tendency towards the extremes- all or nothing!

So, my intention for this little catering endeavor is to take it all in stride. Put forth whatever effort feels fun and manageable, and nothing more! And remember that whatever ideas or plans that I have are fine and also- I am not in charge so I would do best to not become too emotionally involved in how it all turns out. I want to make food for the simple joy of making food! Yaaaay that I am feeling happy about something!

Also, tonight we had a party here for the birthday of one of the cafe apprentices, and also it was supposed to be the end of the apprenticeship celebration. It ended up to be small, and so fun! We had drumming and dancing by the bonfire, chocolate and vanilla ice cream, and a super sweet circle where everyone got to share and we did an inner smile meditation. It was a really nice evening, as it always turns out to be when we have a party. The whole event actually made me slightly sad to be leaving my job. Though I really, really feel that I have made the right choice.

Flow

2008-12-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's getting late and the default thing I tend to think is, "I should be asleep by now". That, of course, comes with a little guilt. And then I think about what is supposed to happen tomorrow- like, get up early, go to work, do a little extra since I left early today. And I wonder what it will be like to do those things with less than the best amount of sleep possible. And then I recognize that my mind is whirling around and I feel like I need a little more time to decompress before getting under the covers. So, here I am.

The past few days, or maybe even a week have been a whirlwind. I feel like I have awoken from my grave or something. Quitting my job feels like it was the best decision ever. It's funny because just a few months ago I remember thinking that accepting the job was the best decision ever...and at the time, it was. So I have 2 1/2 weeks left. And that suddenly feels way too short! The tree has been much more than just a job. I eat at least 2 meals a day there, and most of the people I know in town work there. I spend all day most days hanging out there and in addition to working I use the labyrinth, sauna, hot tub, temple, the grounds for hiking around. My main exercise lately has been going to and from work on my bike and on foot. I am simply noticing that things are about to change.

As far as what I'm going to do, staying in Patagonia as a base feels like a good idea. I am sticking with this desire to take a few road trips to visit people and places to get some ideas about what and where I want to land next. And for the past couple days it is becoming clearer to me that I may want to go into a small business...sprouts, kraut, something else simple, cafe, not exactly sure, but something. I am noticing that I'm all about doing business with integrity, and frankly, I haven't come across that yet- really ever. So maybe that's what there is for me to do. Or maybe not. Maybe I ought to go to Bali, or do a vipassana sit, or simply stay at home and do not much of anything. I know that I DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS YET...or ever, if I don't want to. And it is perfectly excellent for me to take some time and be moved by the universe- not by my mind.

Today I got pretty excited about participating in a group with others that is simply about moving beyond the ways we are holding ourselves back. Each session, or each week, we could focus on one person and really help get to the bottom of their shit. We could all support that person through their process, and we would each get a turn. At the end of each session we could all figure out action steps to take and write them down so we could hold each other accountable. And then we'd meet again and go one step further. This really reminds me of the womens group that I was in with Darshana. When that group started she said we are going to change the world. And we did. Yeah, I am noticing that I really feel the need for some support. How can I create this type of group here, now?

Maybe that's enough for tonight. I will sleep and let these ideas germinate just like little sprout seeds. Maybe it will only take 10-14 days for the ideas to sprout to fruition :)

Getting Back in the Game.

2008-12-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

So much has been happening for me lately. Here's some back story, (part of which you probably know, and part of which I have not shared yet):

I've been eating just about 100% raw, organic, vegan food for almost 2 years now. Things were going amazingly well for me in general for well over the first year. My skin cleared up, digestion slowly improved, I did a few cleanses and a juice feast which left me feeling so clear on all levels, I lost weight, felt generally happier than I had ever consistently felt before, felt so tuned in to what my body wanted and needed and was really listening to that. Over time I grew less and less interested in being in a city, less and less desirous of most material things and distractions. I was moving more and more towards a simpler way of life. This led me to the desire to move out of the city into a small town, and to learn to grow my own food. I decided to come to the Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center to literally get my hands and feet in the dirt in their garden apprenticeship program.

Once I arrived at the Tree, things continued to improve. After a few weeks in the garden, I knew that I wanted to stay for a while. Conveniently, a staff position in the sprout house was available, which was exactly the kind of job I wanted- growing food, solitary, and simple so that I could focus on my spiritual life. Also at this time I had started to grow close to a man who was working there too. He was in a long term romantic relationship with someone else who was not at the Tree. As we grew closer, it was clear that the relationship was going deeper for me than I had gone with a man before, and before I knew it, I think I was falling in love. He was just as open to me as I was to him and life was pretty blissful.

After some time, I guess things changed for him and he pulled back from the relationship with me. At the time I couldn't really understand what was happening. All I knew was that I felt abandoned, hurt, and as if I had done something wrong. It took me several months to even begin to understand what had happened. I attempted several times to communicate with him about my feelings, and find out what his were, though it never really worked out well.

All of this seemed to trigger me to head into a deep depression, unlike any that I have ever experienced before. At first I was shell shocked and so sad that all I could do was cry for about a month. After that time passed I just simply became uninterested and unmotivated by most everything in life. I retreated from other relationships and most activities. I completely stopped practicing Yoga and meditating, stopped going to the spiritual services in the community, and launched headlong into emotional overeating, (something that I have struggled with for most of my life). And I gained 20 pounds.

I kept thinking that all of this was exactly what was supposed to be happening for me, that there were lessons for me to learn, that my heart was not just broken, that it had been broken open and that it was opening for me to let more love into my life from all directions. And at the same time I was finding myself spiraling deeper and deeper into really dark feelings, so dark that at moments I was contemplating whether I wanted to go on living. I kept thinking that maybe I should go somewhere away from the Tree for a bit to get some perspective, though I couldn't imagine any place to go where I would feel comfortable. My family was encouraging me to go to my niece's first birthday in Reno, where everyone was going to be together. I was feeling so down that I just couldn't imagine being there to celebrate without taking up so much attention from everyone and having them focus on my concerns.

I somehow decided to go to San Francisco, to stay with a good friend, and to attend a Thanksgiving gathering in the Northern California woods that I had attended last year. Being in SF and at the gathering was pretty much bittersweet. I found myself very depressed while there. I saw my friends having a good time together, connecting, and yet I felt like there was a veil between myself and them. This was quite striking to me, and really useful as far as giving me some clarity around my situation.

Upon my return to Patagonia, it took me just a couple of days to come to the overwhelming conclusion that I needed to quit my job. As much as there are things I like about being here, there is much more that is causing deep suffering. Yes, maybe it's true that this suffering is part of my path. And also, I have realized that I absolutely do not have to go through all of the tough feelings in life at once. Life is too short! I had been sticking it out, partly because I kept thinking that there was nowhere else I really wanted to go. That is not enough of a reason to stay in a situation that is so challenging. And ever since the "honeymoon" period had ended with my job and being a part of the community, I began to notice more and more things that just simply don't work for me here.

So last Wednesday, I quit!

And to tell you the truth, I feel more liberated than I have in a loooong time- maybe ever! I have no idea where I will go or what I will do from here...and I am thrilled about that! I have enough money to survive for a few months without working. And I feel like I NEVER want to be tied to a full time job again! There are so many things I'd like to do, and I am soooo glad to have the chance to do them.

So here's the short term plan:

1. Get a car that will enable me to do some traveling.

2. Go slow and take the time I need to feel settled with my life here.

3. Cater a new years retreat in Joshua Tree for Agape church.

4. Chill out, open up, and wait for the universe to let me know what's next.

Hallelujah!

P.S. My folks are in town visiting for the weekend. we went out to dinner last night at a cooked food restaurant- an experience I haven't had in quite some time. At dinner, not only did I eat some steamed veggies, and a few bites of sorbet. I also drank a few sips of wine- which I haven't had in almost 7 years since I quit drinking. The experience felt liberating, and also like no big deal. I didn't have any reaction last night or today, and in fact I am feeling really great today. I'm not sure what to make of that, and it feels quite positive.

Also...I apologize to anyone who's been reading for not writing in so long. My emotional state was really tough and I just couldn't get myself to do it. Now that things are turning around, I am really looking forward to utilizing this blog as a place to share again. Thanks!

Love,
Savrah

2008-09-28T01:33:00.000-07:00

Whew- It's been a few weeks since I have written, and as usual life has been full of constant transformation. Raw Spirit was lots of fun! I met new friends, connected with old ones, heard some great speakers and music, worked at the amazing Vivapura booth selling fantastic superfoods, slept on a hardwood floor in the house with the Laughing Yogi, ate tons of raw chocolate, rode back at 4 in the morning with a carload full of people, and spent the following week catching up on sleep and nurturing the sprouts back to health. It was great to have a little time away from the Tree, and also I realized that it takes quite a bit of energy to be away and then return. I think the next time I go somewhere I'll be sure to give myself a day or two where I can relax before going back to work.

Since my return I feel like things are moving ever so quickly. We've had a constant stream of visitors including people who used to work at the Tree, former apprentices, and Laura's parents. One of the former apprentices, (Ben), has stayed on and it appears that he will stay for another month. Yay! He's good and it will be really nice having him. Laura and I have been putting effort into manifesting another male person for the house. We joke that we need a "husband". You know, someone who is down to fix things when they break, take out the trash, carry the heavy stuff etc. It;s kind of a joke, and then again kind of for real. Anyway, for the moment we have Ben and it's all good. I also just got a message from my friend Cami who is writing a book and looking for a quiet place get some writing done. It would be rad if she wants to come and rent the other available room. Even with 5 people here it's generally really quiet and I love the evergy of a full house.

My sprouting apprentice from September is gone, and apparently there will be no apprentices for the next 3 months, due to overcrowding at the dorms. At first I though this was a bummer. Then I realized that I will be getting tons of assistance from both garden and cafe aprentices. I actually really like this idea! It's always a fun day working with someone new in the sprout house. There's something magical that happens in there. While we are harvesting, whoever I'm working with tends to tell me the stories of their lives. And of course I share with them too. It's a pretty special way to get intimate with other people, one on one. And on the days when I am in the sprout house alone, I get to have that kind of intimacy woth myself.

Today I went to Tucson and did two things I have really been wanting to do for a while. One is that I rented a car. I have been starting to feel rather trapped here lately. It's not even that there are so many places I want to go specifically- more just the idea that I CAN go ANYWHERE I want to with a car. I wanted a prius. I got a mustang. It's all good. I am going back to Tucson tomorrow to see a Michael Franti concert. And later in the week I am going to pick up my friend Karen from the airport because she is visiting for a few days. I'm really looking forward to that as she is the first friend to visit me here. Anyway, I digress. The second thing I did today that I have been wanting to do was buy the most amazing vaccuum cleaner. It's a Dyson- absolutely the cadillac of vaccuum cleaners! It works on any surface, has a 17' suction tube, it's bagless, and has a super simple design. I LOVE it.

Tonight Laura, Ben and I went to Krisanga's where we ate jackfruit and durian with Chris Whitcoe and Krisanga. Then we made coconut-durian-cherry-cacao ice cream in the ice cream maker and played The Abounding River board game. It was a really nice evening. Just over the past few days I have felt myself relax and let go of some things. What a relief! Tomorrow my plans are to make sauerkraut, unveil my kombucha that's been fermenting for over a month, use my new vaccuum, and go see that show in Tucson. What I mostly learned from the game tonight is that I am truly grateful for everything I have, and that I have a LOT.

And some pics...

Various grasshoppers- they are literally EVERYWHERE!

Amazing clouds around here lately...
A couple from Raw Spirit...
Laura and her mome straightened my hair for the first time ever...

Freedom

2008-09-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

Whew! I am glad to say that I am DONE with all responsibilities for the next 4-5 days. I just got home from having the most luxurious Ayurvedic massage, and tomorrow morning I am off to the Raw Spirit Festival in Sedona, Arizona- yeehaw!!!

The fast ended up working out fantastically well. I lost weight, had lots of energy, enjoyed making and drinking juice, and got some clarity of mind. Today is my 4th day back on solid food. I am still drinking juice once or twice a day, plus eating all kinds of other things. I have just started reading Gabriel Cousens' book, Conscious Eating. It is encouraging me to actually quit making excuses and live the life I truly want to live- go for it- feel my feelings, quit using food to stuff it all- recognize that every moment is a choice, and make the choice that truly serves me best in each moment. I know that I've had revelations like this before and that I've had periods of time where I quit using food to avoid truly living freely. Something does feel different about it now, like it is and is not actually a game this time- like, I can absolutely live in a free and powerful way, and that there is no pressure. Alll I have to do is continue to ask myself this question before engaging in each action:

What do you really want in this moment?

It's possible that sometimes the answer will be that I really want to eat that chocolate, or that salad or whatever. And I believe that more often the answer will be that I want to be free. No more hiding out.

I am really excited about going to the festival tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect and I love that. I know that there will be a lot of people there who I know and haven't seen in a long time. I know that I do not have to work at all! I know that some of my friends who are working may need some help at their booths. I know that I want to go and hear some of the speakers this year. I know that I have nowhere to stay and that someone will take me in- someone awesome! Here's what I want to manifest for this weekend:

1. An amazing place, or places to stay on site- at the Radisson or right nearby
2. Meeting a ton of people who I really connect with and who thoroughly inspire me.
3. Buying some perfect clothes- especially pants/dresses.
4. A sweet romatic connection.
5. Getting to reconnect with friends who I haven't seen in a while.
6. Tasting amazing food.
7. Play.
8. Getting to hear some inspiring words from amazing people.
9. Dancing.
10. Getting the perfect ride home.
11. Recruiting some incredible people to come work at the Tree.
12. feeling free and incredible in my body.
13. Perfect weather.

that's all I've got at the moment.

I think I'll spend the rest of my evening relaxing and pre[aring to go.

Be who you are.

2008-08-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

Well...it's Sunday afternoon.
I am sitting in front of my computer.
I am on day 2 of a juice fast...sort of.

On Friday night I got motivated to take a break from food. I have been feeling so low in spirit lately, and pretty heavy in my body. Physically, I've gained a bunch of weight over the past couple months and that just doesn't feel good. Emotionally, I have been holding onto some stuff that I really think I'm ready to let go of. I guess most of those things are old ideas of who I am, how the world works, what I am capable of, what I deserve, etc. So I decided to drink green juice for probably a week, or maybe a little longer. The "sort of" part is that in addition to the juice I am eating lots of bee pollen and chewing on chlorella tablets. I'm also taking a bunch of probiotics, and the same supplements I usually take. I'm not really doing any of this according to any particular protocol. It's more based on intuition. That's why I can't exactly say how long it will go, or what direction it will take.

Last night was the new moon. That's supposed to be a good time to set new intentions. And tonight they are burning the temple at Burning Man. That signifies an opportunity to let go of whatever is no longer serving us. Here are my intentions and what I would like to release with this juice fast:

To Release:
1. 15-20 pounds
2. feeling lifeless and depressed
3. constant desire to fill up with food
4. attachments to the past, the goal oriented present, and the future
5. feeling heavy and so serious
6. self judgment
7. attachment to expectations
8. anger
9. jealousy
10. fear
11. insecurity
12. any ideas that I should somehow be different than I am in any way

Intentions:
1. To connect to spirit
2. To feel free and joyful
3. To feel love for self and all other beings
4. To experience feeling a sense of gratitude
5. To allow all emotions to pass through me with ease
6. To be fully in acceptance of the way that things are right now

Hmm...now it is Monday afternoon. I quit writing yesterday to lay on my floor for a while. I ended up hanging out with Adam and then a huge thunderstorm came. We walked over to the arroyo, (dry riverbed), to watch it flood as the rains came. As it turned out the flood was a bit anticlimactic . I was imagining a torrent of water gushing towards us and us having to run out of the wash as it came to save our lives. In actuality, we just got really wet and then walked home.

Today I am continuing on with the juice. My energy is a little bit low, though not unmanageable. I am glad because I would really like to continue the fast, and work, without too much challenge this week.

My new sprout apprentice started today and she is awesome! I have a really good feeling about the month of September. I would love for there to be two sprouting apprentices every month going forward. It's a great opportunity if you know anyone who would like the experience of being in this environment and learning how to grow plants. In fact, this morning a young guest was in and he was commenting that learning to grow plants actually saved him from the bouts of deep depression and gave him the will to live. I almost take it for granted sometimes that so many absolutely amazing people with so many fantastic life stories cross my path on a daily basis. It can be easy to get caught up in the little trials and tribulations of the mind and the ego at times. It's nice to remember that I am in the most amazing environment, and that I meet the best people, eat the best food, have access to the best supplements and information. Really, there's nothing to complain about. I even have the best job, the best home, and the most comfortable bed around. And you are welcome to come and visit anytime!!

I'm feeling like passing on some words of encouragement for anyone who is feeling less than the best right now...

You are not your feelings. You are not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your job, your friends, or any role that you may play in your life. Every challenge that life brings is here for a reason, a lesson, and you have chosen to bring that exact set of circumstances into your life at this very moment. Be the witness. Watch how you feel and what you do. Feel those feelings deeply- the amazingly joyful ones as well as the incredibly painful. Remember...if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger...it's really true. Everything that arises passes away...like the waves of the ocean. All there is to do is wait and watch as the tide rolls in and out. And guess what. You are truly exactly perfect...exactly as you are...right now. There is only one you and absolutely noone else on the planet could replace you. And you...whoever you are and whatever you are doing...are completely necessary for the planet to exist. So be who you are. Shine. And enjoy the magic carpet ride of life. Relax. Celebrate your accomplishments! You deserve it. Dance, sing, laugh, cry, scream, whatever you need to do right now. Enjoy the moment. Share your joy with a friend.

Here are some pics from this past week:

It is definitely grasshopper season here! They are EVERYWHERE!

Outside of the cafe- Philip (the guy who basically runs this place), Esther (cafe apprentice), Sol, (sprouting apprentice), Adam (my housemate, chef and video guy):

Same location- different day- Daniella (cafe aprentice), Sol, Meghan (garden apprentice), Esther, Sarah (cafe apprentice):

The rainbows here are AMAZING! It's nearly impossible to capture them on camera:

pom bomb

2008-08-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's a tarantula. I've been seeing a lot of them lately. They are actually pretty darn cute.

I was walking in the garden today, harvesting some mint, (which I like to add to wheatgrass and ice cold water for the best infusion ever- try it!). Anyway, I was walking in the garden and Daniella, who's from NYC, said to me, "You are cool with walking in there?", suggesting that she's not psyched to be around all of the potential critters that live around here. And it suddenly occurred to me that I am no longer afraid of bugs. In fact, it's quite the opposite these days. I remember as a child, I was afraid to walk down the driveway when it rained because there might be worms there and I could potentially step on one. Now I spend a good bit of my time digging around with my hands in big worm bins, saving beetles and moths and spiders from death by drowning in the nursery. Just last night I was sitting with a little bug next to me on the bed and we were kinda hanging out together. It is not to say that I don't jump when some creature comes flying at me, or when a tarantula crosses my path. It's just that I no longer fear these amazing creatures, and in fact most of the time I enjoy their company. Pretty amazing transformation!

This past week seemed long at the time, though now I can hardly remember what happened. I know that John Phillips- the EM guy was at the Tree again, which is always a good time. He taught a class that I went to, and we were all on film which should be aired sometime on Supreme Master Television. I'll let you know when I hear anything about that.

My housemate Adam is an amazing video production guy, and he posted the first two little informational and funny raw lifestyle videos on youtube. The one I'm in is called "Intro to Durian", and it is pretty funny. Check it out. He also made another one which is great called, "hemp milk superfood smoothie". I'm becoming a fan of youtube these days. Stay tuned for the sauerkraut video next.

We had an amazing elixer party on Saturday night. It was the going away party for Joshua. We set up a bar in the kitchen and Michaela and I bartended, with a little help from Josh and Adam. We had something like 15 different menu options including various flavors of kombucha, kefir, herbal teas, prickly pear-lime margaritas, sorbet, chocolate-maca mousse, and more. (In case you didn't know, all of the elixers are some kind of medicinal superfoods- no alcohol- all delicious). I also served 9 types of fermented veggies for folks to sample. And Josh made a gallon of the best ever pumpkin seed butter in the stone grinder, which he packaged up in little containers for everyone to take home. There was also live music from Tommy and Abby- two awesome guests who are getting married at the Tree on Friday. All in all it was a grand success. And then when everyone left the four of us stayed up and watched "Point Break"- which is actually a really great movie. Late night- lots of fun.

I've been attempting to catch up on sleep since then, with some luck- though I think I ought to be in bed now. Here are some photos:

Me, Joshua, Adam, and Michaela...

Sarah and I at the EM class...
me serving up the sorbet and mousse...
last hug, with Kosan watching...
pom bomb shots...

awww...
edible flowers from the garden...
more pom bombs, (raisin kefir with pommegranate concentrate- delicious)

Late night durian dribble...

2008-08-18T22:26:00.001-07:00

It's Tuesday night, late, and I am sitting on my bed , typing. I think the reason that I am still up is that earlier tonight my housemates and I consumed a whole fresh durian fruit. It's a ridiculously amazing tropical fruit which is rather rare to come by fresh, unless you are in a tropical location. It smells and tastes...intense...so delicous! It's one of the only fruits that contains fat, and every time I eat some I find myself up until all hours of the night. I had a little cacao with the durian too- double whammy for stimulation. It was tasty, and certainly worth it, and Adam made a video recording of the whole event which should be posted on youtube soon, so i'll let you know when you can check that out.

Today was a long day. I had one of the garden apprentices in the sprout house, which was fun, though training someone new is always a little extra effort. And the guy today was really interested in talking....a lot. Tomorrow I teach a class to the 10 cafe apprentices which ought to be fun, and also a little tiring.

I officially have more mosquito bites than I ever have had before and they are starting to drive me a little bit crazy. I have scratched my skin until it has bled in so many spots...aaaaahhhh!

I guess I am ready to admit that I am officially off of the phase 1 diet now. That means that for the past week or more I have been eating quite a bit of fruit. It actually feels really good. I kinda feel like a little bit of the cheerful Savrah energy is coming back. And so far I am not noticing much in the way of symptoms, outside of a bit of gassiness at times.

Joshua moved all of his things here today and he's packing everything up- meaning that he really is leaving the Tree on Sunday. I've known this for a while, but seeing it happening makes it feel sorta real- and sorta surreal. He was the first person here I really got close to, and it feels significant to see him go. And there's a whole bunch of other feelings I have tied up with that which I can't even begin to go into. Let me just say that I've learned so much from our relationship, and I continue to learn more from it each day.

Laura is leaving to go to Burning Man on Thursday. I gave her all of my playa clothes and supplies. I am excited for her to go, and part of me is sad that I won't be there too. Though really, I know that I made the right decision to stay here.

I'm adding some pictures that I took over the last week or so. The first one is an example of what the sprout spread looks like at lunch on any given day:Next is me in the sprout house one afternoon:
Me sitting in the sunshine before lunch one day:
The view from where I was sitting in the sunshine that day:
One of the MANY butterflies we have around the sprout house garden lately:

Oh- I didn't take any pictures of this, but I DID make 2 gallons of dill pickles last Saturday, and they are currently fermenting. I am really excited to taste them next weekend! I also made what I think is going to be my best sauerkraut yet. I think we have 7 types of veggie ferments in the fridge that I have made over the past month and a half. We're having a going away party for Josh on Saturday and I would love to sample out the krauts. I'm thinking of getting little sample cups so everyone can have a taste.

I guess I may as well try and get to sleep now.

:) Savrah

Golden Beetle

2008-08-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night at 8:30pm and I am just getting around to writing. It's been a pretty busy weekend, so let me try and summarize...

Thursday we had an amazing "Happy Hour at the Wheatgrass Lounge". One of the guests, Tammo, from the Netherlands, played the sitar for the sprouts and maybe 15 visitors. Here are a couple pics:

It was pretty awesome!

On Friday nights here, we have a Shabbat service which last a few hours and is a really lovely way to enter into the weekend. When Gabriel and Shanti are in town, they lead the service. When they are out of town different people are asked to lead. This past Friday, I was given the honor of leading Shabbat with Michael, one of the spiritual teachers here. It felt amazing sitting up there, holding the space of the sacred feminine energy. Of course, most of the responsibilities for the evening rested on Michael, who did an excellent job of sharing stories and facilitating the recitation of rituals and prayers. I recited the blessing over the candles, inviting the light of the feminine evergy of the divine to enter all of us. At then end, Tammo played sitar after we meditated, and that was incredible. What a nice way to head into the weekend.

On Saturday, Michaela, Joshua and I went on an adventure into Tucson. It was really just for a few hours to do some errands, and the mission was a success! I just wanted to go to the bank, the thrift store, and the health food store. When we got back, Josh and I made something like 3 gallons of sauerkraut, which is something we had talked about doing practically since I arrived here in April. We made two different kinds- mine was cabbage, watermelon daikon, shitake mushrooms, ginger, hijiki, and salt. His had fennel, rutabaga, celery root, black radishes, cabbage, and salt. When they are done in about 10 days, we'll have a total of 7 different kinds of fermented vegetables in this house! That makes me happy. Today I was actually looking in the book "Wild Fermentation", to figure out the best recipe for crunchy dill pickles. I think that's gotta be next, it being cucumber season and all.

I've spent most of today pretty much chilling out. I did some laundry and a little kitchen cleaning. I went to brunch and the dorms and visited with a few friends and rode my bike. I spent some time talking on the phone and took a nap- which I almost never do. I also visited with Tanya. She's my friend, and one of the sprouting apprentices from last month. Currently she is staying at our house, recuperating from a terrible accident in which she shattered her ankle bone. the accident happened a month ago, and she's had two surgeries so far. She's been staying with us over a week and it's a pretty intense situation. She needs a lot of care and they have her on a lot of pain medication. It's awesome to see how everyone from the tree community is assisting in her recovery. I can't help but feeling that she needs more than what we are all able to give. It's definitely weighing on my mind- what to do- though I'm sure it will all work out somehow.

It's getting a little late here, and I really ought to start getting to bed. I'll leave you with a few pictures that I finally downloaded from my camera.

More to come later!
Love,
Savrah

Moth Medicine

2008-08-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of me and my adorable niece, Lauren Alexis Sherven. It was taken a little over a month ago while I was on my way from San Francisco back to Patagonia in a 10 foot U-Haul truck with all of my belongings. I stopped off in Reno for all of 2 hours- enough time to participate in feeding and bathing Lauren, before she went to bed. It was really nice to get to spend a minute with Michelle and Charles, (my sis and brother-in-law), and of course pure bliss to get a few minutes with Lauren. I am posting this now because I left my camera up at the Sprout House, and that is where all of the more current pics are...so...next week I'll post some.

two exciting things happened the past couple days!

1. I was chosen as the employee of the month! I am surprised and honored! The reward, (other than the good feelings and all), is that I get a free spa treatment of my choice! I am going for the Ayurvedic massage, given by Artemis and Krystalle. In addition to being, by far, the most expensive treatment, it is also absolutely amazing...simultaneoulsy getting massaged by four hands working in sync- including delicious Ayurvedic massage oil for my dosha, time in the steam box, and oil dripping on my third eye for 10 minutes at the end...yum!

2. The Food Network filmed my sprouting class today! They are doing a segment in which they are following one woman with Diabetes through her 21 day detox program here at the Tree. Part of the program includes a sprouting class, which I taught today, while being caught on tape. Kristen, the woman doing the filming was awesome! I was a little nervous, though I think it went really well. The whole segment is supposed to be 24 minutes long, on some show with Al Roker, which is supposed to be on during prime time! I'll let you know when it is going to air.

What else...
The sprouting apprentices finished their program. We had a party for them, and sent them off with smiles. I am sad to see them go. There will be two new apprentices arriving tomorrow for the month of August.

I had some intense, energetic illness this past week. On Tuesday night I went to sleep at 7pm and woke up to my alarm at 5am Wednesday, not feeling rested. All day Wednesday I was deeply sad and felt extremely tired and nauseous. I worked, and slept every moment I was not working. Luckily that night I had a Tachyon energy healing session scheduled with Asher. It is this really amazing healing work that I really respond to. After the session I was feeling better physically, and completely spaced out. That was when the party for the apprentices was happening. I attended the party, mostly laying on a chair by the pool, watching everyone dance and laugh. I went home pretty early that night, and by the next day I was feeling much better.

Ever since Wednesday I have been feeling a general shift in my energy. For the first time in a while I have not been ravenously hungry, and I have been consequently eating less, which feels relieving, physically and emotionally. I have also had more and longer periods of overall joy and gratitude. I feel a definite sense that the emotional challenges of the past month are moving behind me.

There is still a lot to let go of, and I can really feel myself wavering between releasing and holding on. If I wrote this entry yesterday I would have said confidently that I am doing awesome and I feel whole and complete and clear about everything in my life. This evening I am back to some feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and a bit of sadness and frustration.

I do know that I am not my feelings, and that all there is to do is witness the waves as they pass through me. I do know that I am whole, and loved, and I am grateful for all of the incredible abundance in my life. I do know that I am capable of manifesting whatever I choose for myself and that exactly what I have is exactly what I have chosen. I do know that whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. And it's all good. And there are a lot of tough moments lately.

Holy crap! As I am writing there is a HUGE thunderstorm going on outside. The biggest crash of thunder just made me jump! This is the rain we have been waiting for all week. I can feel myself relaxing as the rains pour down.

I have been very connected to moth medicine lately. I encounter numerous moths daily in the nursery at the sprout house. They tend to fly onto me and often one will stay with me for hours. I have also been washing many of them down the drain when I clean the nursery floor- sorry moths. Anyway, I looked up the significance of this and it seems moth people are very highly sensitive, (go figure). Moth people should be careful not to take on the feelings of others, as it can create confusion and irritability. Aha! This speaks to me because ever since I have been here so many different feelings come up often, and I generally assume that they are all mine. (Funny, a moth is flying around my computer screen right now). It's relieving to remember that I am a highly sensitive person, and that sometimes I am picking up on what others are experiencing.

I feel as though I could write for another 2 hours and still not get across all that is going on inside of me. I am not certain how to share it concisely, or even why it feels so necessary to share it at all. What I can say is that I feel a great sense of power within me that is just about to burst out. I feel afraid of what is to come, and it also feels absolutely vital that I find some outlets where I can authentically release...something. Maybe I am the caterpillar, inside a cocoon, just about ready to emerge into a new life as a beautiful moth. I'll let you know what happens...

Here comes the rain...bow

2008-07-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've written. I apologize. I will try and summarize what's been going on... Life at the Tree continues to grow deeper and more intense all the time. Patagonia is located on some kind of energy vortex, which in my experience means that just about EVERYTHING moves much faster than it would anywhere else.

We are in the monsoon season now which means the desert environment has completely transformed into a jungle, practically overnight. It's gorgeous, fascinating, and full of more small living creatures than I have ever shared space with b efore- and that is including living in southern India. The beetles are probably the coolest...and the tarantulas. I walk into the garden in front of the sprout house and there are weeds growing so high that I can't even see the flowers. The sprouts themselves are growing in record time. I've spent the past month working with mold and stilted growth, which has been a little worrisome- though I think things are back on track now. Oh, and I have seen a few of the most amazing rainbows (photos taken with my phone don't quite capture it)!

I've noticed that the pattern with the sprout growth has really paralleled my personal emotional state. They started getting funky when I went away for two weeks. From the time of my return from vacation, until just a few days ago, I have been really going through some deep feelings of pain and sadness. They are mostly related to letting go of attachment to a special relationship that I have been involved in the past few months. I guess I somehow got myself wrapped up in desires and expectations which have left me wanting things to be different than they are. Of course it's all okay-I mean fantastic- or at least I know everything that happens is exactly what I have manifested, and what I can handle. And the process of letting go has been amazing in terms of feeling SO sad, SO hurt, SO disappointed, and SO strong, SO powerful, SO alive. Of course I am happy to report that the sprouts are springing back, which I believe means that my heart is springing back too.

I have also really been using food to cushion myself from feeling so many tough feelings. I have stayed on the phase 1 diet, meaning that I am eating a low glycemic diet- just about no sweet foods. I have compensated by eating a lot of fat- hemp and olive oils, coconut, nuts and seeds, olives, avocados. I have also been eating a lot of superfoods- spirulina powder at least twice a day on salads, seaweeds, hemp seeds. And my treat of choice lately has been the quest to make the ultimate phase 1 ice cream: dessicated coconut, pumpkin seeds, chia, hemp seeds, lucuma, stevia, nutmeg, cinnamon, salt, and this amazing vanilla powder. All in all, I've managed to gain over 10 pounds in 2 months, which seems to be what's necessary at the moment, though it doesn't feel so great- physically and emotionally.

I have been loving settling into my home. It is so amazing to have all of my things in one place! I get to ride my bike back and forth to work everyday- yay! I love my rebounder, (mini trampoline), which I jump on for 8 minutes twice a day. I have completely unpacked everything and mostly set up my room. I LOVE my new bed and bedding. I put my pictures on the walls and my rocks and sticks on the windowsill which feels comforting. And it is so cool to have my kitchen stuff again!! I am slowly getting back into doing a bit of food prep. Tonight we had a fermented foods party, where Michaela and I made a gallon batch of pickled veggies. It's actually the third batch of sauerkraut I've made in the past couple weeks and that feels so good to do! My poor knife skills are pretty out of practice and it feels so great to exercise that again!

The other pretty cool thing that has been going on is a conversation I have started with my roommate about a potential business venture. I am completely unsure about where the conversation will go, and I am hesitant to even mention it, though it seems right to say just a bit...think Hawaii...superfoods...growing things...I really want to keep the rest quiet for the moment. Just know that it's big and there is much more to come.

So, my plan is to write every Saturday from here on out. I have some new pictures on my camera that I will post next time. For the mean time, my friend Joshua made a Youtube video clip of rawdi gras at the Tree, which was a fun day we had here put on by Ben, one of the Cafe apprentices. Check it out: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tLEQXchzSA (I'm wearing a blue wig and bunny ears)

It's quite late here- latest I've stayed up in a while! Good thing I have the day off tomorrow. I hope everyone is well and I look forward to being in touch soon.

Lots of love to you all,
Savrah

p.s. Savrah is officially my name now- changed it in California court :)

2008-05-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

Well...here I am...in the sprout house...at the Tree...with wheatgrass.

I apologize for not writing sooner.

Life moves both extremely slowly and extremely quickly here. Tomorrow marks 2 months. It actually feels like I have been here my whole life.

I signed a year lease for a beautiful 5 bedroom house in town. I haven't lived in a house since I lived in my parents house as a teenager. I am really ready to have a home. I am moving in with 4 other people who work here at the Tree. My fantasy is to have a home where folks from the Tree community and the town can feel comfortable to come together and hang out.

I love my job. I feel more connected with the plants everyday. We had our first weekly wheatgrass happy hour this past Thursday and it was a success. People came with instruments, enjoyed wheatgrass shots, and we communed with the sprouts. I think they, (the sprouts), were happy to have so much loving energy in their space :)

I went to Nogales yesterday, which is the closest city to Patagonia. It was the first time I was in a city since I've been here. I had to go to the bank. It was nice because I went with Heidi, the garden manager, who I love to get to spend time with. We stopped at Home Depot and she bought me a kadota fig tree which I planted in the yard out in front of the sprout house. Figs are pretty much my favorite food on the planet.

Ironically, (or maybe not), I'm not eating figs these days, or any fruit. A week ago I decided to put myself on what's called the phase 1 diet. If you want to know all of the details about that you should check out Gabriel Cousens' book called Rainbow Green Live Cuisine. Basically, it is a diet of all foods that are extremely low on the glycemic index. It's a pretty interesting experience.

I will be leaving here for two weeks on June 19th to go on a whirlwind trip to NYC, Baltimore, and San Francisco.

I can't promise that I will write much more regularly in the near future. I must admit that I have been pretty immersed in my life here, and being on the computer hasn't been my top priority. I do think of friends and family often, and wish everyone well.

I am so grateful for everyone and everything in my life that has gotten me to the place where I am now. It's not that every moment is blissful. Yet my dharma, (my life path), feels more clear now than it ever has before.

Fantastic Friday- with pics!

2008-04-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight here on Friday night. I have had the most incredible day today and I want to share!

First off- I finally have a minute to get a few pictures online- oh my god- right?! This first one was taken from the top of the mesa here one evening as the sun was setting and the moon was rising. It was the first night that I wasn't in temple at that time of day. I was walking on my way from teh cafe to the dorms. I looked to my left and saw the orange-yellow glow of the sun setting. Then I looked to my right and saw this amazing view...and really the photo doesn't even do justice to how beautiful it actually was!

Here's the most incredible sunset I've seen so far though- the first night of Passover, as I was walking to the seder:

Wow- right!

Anyway, back to today. I got to work in the sprout house today which was the most chill experience! I love being around the sprouts and the manager there is so awesome! We finished super early so I had time to work on this fun little project I am doing. I'm making laminated signs detailing all of the produce items that we've been harvesting and serving in the cafe. I plan to post them in the cafe, so everyone can get a better sense of what they are eating that has actually come fresh from the garden or the sprout house that day. We get a lot of our food here from out of town. It's organic and yummy- though not anywhere n ear the high vibration of what we grow and harvest right here with love. I think people ought to know so they can decide what they want to put in their bodies! Of course all of the food we have is the best on the planet :) Anyway, I got almost all of the signs finished and laminated in my extra spare time today, so that was pretty cool.

And a bunch of other cool things...

1. I ate 2 delicious raw chocolate treats made by the one and only Veronica- our TOL chocolate goddess.

2. Shabbat was a sweet, lovely evening program tonight, led by Philip and Susan while Gabriel is out of town. I sat with Anandi and we shared a nice silent prayer with each other, plus I danced and sang and had a nice meditation.

3. We ate durian with cacao nibs, and I finally GET the durian experience. I think it is the most sensual, satisfying, luscious, sweet, delicious food on the planet.

4. I jumped on a huge trampoline with Adam and Govinda and I laughed the hardest I have in loooong time. My belly is sore from laughing. Then we layed on the trampoline and looked at the stars and I saw a shooting star!

5. I shared so many sweet moments with friends today- smiles, conversations, hugs, hand holding. My new friend Scott told me that I'm his first friend here. He arrived a couple days ago. It was nice to share with him that I have noticed how easy our connection is, and to hear that he likes that too. I also had a sweet moment with my roommate and friend Anastarr. She's 21- so wise for her years, and I love that we connect so easily and pretty deeply.

I could go on...not sure exactly what my purpose is in detailing this checklist of my day... I guess I'm really aware today of what can happen when I open my heart. I think it's something that everyone wants to do, yet we spend so much of our lives afraid and acting out of that fear. What if we all just let the guard down and lived in the moments of love? I don't mean to sound cheezy. I do believe it's what all of the great teachers are talking about..letting go, surrender, creating peace by being peace. It is possible. Imagine what this world could be like. And then go further to create your wildest fantasies of peace and love for the planet.

Here are a couple more pics:

This is a prickly pear cactus- a sabra!

Me, on my way up to lunch- backpack and water jar in tow!

Oh, yeah! That's Anastarr and I in action in the garden! We are doing what's called double digging to prepare our personal beds for whatever we decide to put in them- yup, we get to plan our own garden beds, and they are huge! It's going to take a few days to get the beds dug though- for sure!

I am thinking about getting into bed ad reading- though I had some cacao nibs with the durian a couple hours ago and they are keeping me up late! Luckily, I have the next two days off! I wil try and remember to take more pictures- there's so much to see around here!

Gratitude, EM, and more...

2008-04-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Aah...today is a day off for me- and it couldn't have come at a better time :)

Last week was pretty tiring overall, and this week has been pretty exciting. We've had a visit from an amazing man named John Phillips and an almost unbelievable product/substance/spiritual potion-energy called EM. Let me explain a little...

John Phillips has been an instrumental figure in the creation of the garden here at the Tree, (and so much more). He's been working with Gabriel Cousens since 1999, and served on staff here for 3 years as garden manager in order to help create the vision and practical aspects of what the garden is becoming- a hub for spreading peace, love and compassion throughout this community and the world. The major tools he has brought to the project are what's called Nature Farming, and the Quan Yin energy of EM.

Nature Farming pretty much contains the framework and principles for the way the garden here is created and maintained. It originally comes from Japan, (though it is probably the original way all gardening was done- back before the modern world decided that nature is something to be tamed, gardens are meant to be cultivated, and we- humans- are in charge of the plants). Nature Farming simply abides by the guiding principle that we grow things as close to the way they would grow in nature as we can. So we use organic materials in efforts to create a balanced ecosystem. It uses some of the same ideas that are used in permaculture. Instead of major tilling to loosen up the soil, we grow cover crops that at the same time loosen the soil, add nutrients and allow water to seep in through their roots. Instead of using pesticides to rid the garden of certain critters, we introduce other critters, or EM, which has the goal of restoring balance, rather than destroying anything. We also have an altar in the garden and spend time each day attuning ourselves to all of the energies present in the garden- the plants, the nature spirits, the elements of sun, earth, air, water, our own energy, the energies of others in the community, and that of the divine.

the second tool we learned all about from John, is EM- Effective Microorganisms. EM is a substance unlike any other I have encountered. It begins as a liquid, and is actually a vegetable ferment including 3 elements: photosynthetic bacteria, lactic acid bacteria, and yeasts. EM was discovered in Japan over 20 years ago and is currently used in 80 countries worldwide in agricultural and medical health applications. It's uses are many. The common thread is that it works to restore microbial balance into whatever system it is introduced to. For the garden that means improving the quality of the soil and increasing crop yield. It can be added to water systems- be that filters, waste water, rivers or even oceans to bring them into balance. It can be added to compost to bring it back from a state of acidic putrification to balance. And in the human body it can restore the body systems to a state of balance from any kind of dis-ease. I know- this sounds unbelievable. Go check out the info! www.gardeningforpeace.com It's amazing! And it's quite cheap...and from the amount that you buy you can create an 'activated' batch of EM 20 times the size. There are even EM ceramics that hold an incredible vibration that you can add to water containers, wear as jewelry, or even put in your shoes to reduce odors. As you may not be surprised to know, the greatest skeptics of EM seem to be Americans. It is available here, though it does not have the reverence and popularity that it has in many other countries.

I heard all of the info, which was quite convincing- and the real treat was getting to sample EM internally. For two days as we were learning about the benefits and uses of EM, plus learning how to activate it and make several different garden applications with it, we also had the opportunity to taste it, and feel it's effects in our bodies. Wow. We sat in the garden and tasted sips of the 4 EM varieties that John brought. It's tough to find words to describe my experience. It was physical, emotional, energetic and spiritual. Each time we did the EM sampling I felt a sensation of tingling which began in the base of my spine, and as it traveled up the spine and throughout my body, it created an overall feeling of relaxation and bliss. I know- it sounds like getting high on drugs or something. It wasn't. The difference was that I was completely lucid and connected to everyone and everything around me in a deep way- there was no spacing out, seeing visions, or anything like that. I simply felt very relaxed, and so connected and aware of everything around me.

It completely shifted my experience of the plants and the garden itself. It reminded me of being in India. There was so much stimuli around me there- sights, sounds, smells, etc., that I could only take in a little bit at first. Then slowly, over time, I was able to take in more and more- and I realized what a rich environment I was in the midst of. After drinking the EM, I was able to begin to take in so much more of what is actually happening in the garden- how many plants there are, the energies of each plant, the birds, the insects, the compost, the soil, etc. Each component has it's own energy, it's own wisdom. I had been so timid in the garden- afraid of accidentally killing plants- over watering, under watering, planting too shallow or deep, or too close together, etc. Now I am beginning to get it that it's not so much about me. There is so much energy and so much intelligence in the garden. All I have to do is pay close attention and follow along. And we have the amazing tools of the Nature Farming methods, and of EM to help us along the way.

Anyway...it's a little challenging to convey the experience of being with John, and of the EM. Let's just leave it at: it was really cool!

Other than that, life has been pretty great here. There are 20 people here for a workshop on Conscious Eating which is great- they are all super-nice, and so grateful to be here. The food lately has been amazing! I'm working on eating consciously myself, with some success. I've been continuing with Yoga and meditation in the mornings. We are starting work at 7am now, as the weather warms up. My sunburn has settled down and I got some amazing sunscreen from my roomate's mother- with cacao butter :) Today I went jogging with another apprentice and actually liked it. I've been continuing to go to temple each night and am really enjoying that part of life here. This Saturday they are having a Passover seder, which I'm sure will be awesome.

I have been laying in bed at nights thinking about what I want to do when my apprenticeship ends. I am feeling drawn to stay here longer. Why rush on, and where do I want to rush onto? I do have a few scheduled events to attend over the summer. I scheduled a meeting with Philip- the man who seems to run a lot of this place, to discuss options for the future. It's on Monday.

I am grateful for:

how slow I can be here, and the more I get to slow down everyday.
my huge, comfortable room and my awesome roommate Anastar
the abundance of incredible food and the opportunity to find the right balance for myself.
the sunshine
the garden and my awesome garden manager Heidi
the room where I get to meditate and practice Yoga everyday.
daily opportunities to face challenges.
Veronica's raw chocolates in the store.
fruit.
hugs.
meditation.
you- whoever is reading this- thanks!

A Day in My LIfe

2008-04-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Hi there!
Well, I've been here almost 2 weeks and I think my adjustment is going phenomenally well! The general consensus here is that at about the 2 week mark, new people go through major detox- both physical and emotional. While I am certainly feeling various waves of sensations and emotions passing through me at a pretty rapid rate, so far it's been mostly smooth sailing.

I have been wanting to write, to give friends and family a sense of what the heck is going on with me- though finding time and energy for sitting at the computer really hasn't been my main interest lately. SO MUCH happens here in a day! Today is my day off, and here I am.

I wrote down a list of blog topics to get to in coming days. Here is topic #1: A Typical Day:

6:00 am- Wake up. I have consistently been waking up at 6 with no alarm, and it is so fantastic! I am sort of amazed everyday that it keeps happening. I even set my alarm for 6:30- though I haven't needed to use it yet- pretty cool!

6:10 am- Shower- I share a bathroom with about 15 people and I am so amazed that every time I go in to take a shower it's free!

6:45 am- Yoga and sitting meditation- There is an awesome Yoga studio/meditation room in the same building that I live in and there is usually either noone or maybe one other person in there in the morning. It is so nice to be practicing Yoga asana again after a year and a half break! I am easing myself in- maybe I'll practice 45 minutes or an hour, depending on the time.

The sitting in the morning has been pretty great too!

8:00 am- Head up to breakfast- The cafe is about a 15 minute walk from the dorm. Sometimes I walk and sometimes someone picks me up in their car on the way. Either way it's pretty nice.

8:30 am- Breakfast- I LOVE the breakfasts here! Today was chia muffins and some fresh sprouts and greens, plus fresh coconut milk!

9:15 am- Work in the garden. We meet and do a little prayer and intention setting for the day and then get to work. It's a little different everyday. Some of what I do is: water the beds, plant seedlings in beds, turn the compost, plant seeds in trays, prepare beds for new planting, sow seeds into beds, harvest veggies and bring them up to the cafe...lots more. I'll arite a detailed post about this later.

1:15 pm- Lunch- This is the biggest meal of the day and I have been eating a LOT! There is always some kind of entree- like pizza, sushi, pasta, burgers- and always a bunch of different veggie salads, plus you can make your own salad. I have been eating a huge amount of sprouts and greens- and I often try the entree too. Lunch is a nice time to connect with everyone.

2:30pm- Back to work- Garden work continues. We've got so much to do since it's springtime- planting time!!

5:30pm- End of the workday. We do a little prayer to close the day, and then head back up the hill.

6:00pm- Dinner- There is green juice available everyday, plus leftovers from lunch- yummy!

6:45pm (sundown)- Temple- There is a different type of service that happens each night at the temple. Each night there is a meditation, followed by either chanting, singing, or a question and answer sessions with Gabriel. I have been going just about every night. It's a nice way to chill out at the end of the day.

8:30pm- Back to the dorm- Often I end up walking back with another person. Sometimes I get a ride, or walk by myself. By this point I am usually pretty tired. Sometimes I go into the lounge area to socialize a bit. Last night I had a little sauerkraut party with my friend Joshua. We each brought our various varieties to sample!

10:00pm- Bedtime- I usually read or write a little before I go to sleep.

Then I get up the next day and begin again.

Today is a day off. So far I have done my laundry, cleaned the kitchen, reorganized my room, (my roomate left last night and my friend Anastar is moving in), and I've spent most of the morning on the computer. I am getting ready to head up to lunch. The colon hydrotherapist, Carrie, asked me to babysit this afternoon for her two very sweet girls- which I am really excited about. It's also Friday, which means Shabbat is tonight. That makes dinner at 4:30, and the shabbat celebration at 6:15. I went last week and it was really lovely.

I am feeling so grateful to be here. I love and miss everyone, and I think about you daily.

Love,
Savrah

A little catching up...

2008-04-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've been writing a bit in my journal each night before bed. So much happens here in a day that I am attempting to remember ad digest at least some of it on a csnscious level. Here are some snippets....

4/2/08

bagels and cream cheese for breakfast (actually- way better than the traditional ones!)
handmade raw chocolates sweetened with xylitol- shared with Anastar- decadent and delicious!
so many sprouts from the sprouthouse for lunch- with green powder sprinkled on top!

cleaned the bathroom- woohoo!!

worked a shift in the kitchen, made pumpkin seed and sunflower mylk for tomorrow's breakfast, setup for dinner, cleaned and got to talk/work with Joshua and Kosan- it felt so comfortable and familiar!

stood on my head before bedtime :)

4/3/08

Today's theme- Surrender

harvested beets and beet greens- first harvesting ever for me :)
prepared a bed for planting and then planted cilantro and lettuce.
had hard conversation with Christopher- he's a great teacher for me.
harvested pea shoots and bok choi
sprinkled bokashi on many beds- this was HARD work!

I participated in my first inipi- Lakota sweat lodge ceremony. Let me explain a bit...
32 people crammed into a small dome with a wooden structure, covered in all kinds of blankets. It was so crowded I sat crunched up in a ball with people on every side of me. We were in there about 2 1/2 hours while hot stones were brought in and water was poured on top to release steam and heat. There were 4 rounds. Gabriel led us along with a few others in chants and prayers. People were chanting and crying and praying and moving. We smoked a ceremonial pipe with herbs on the last round. My personal, spontaneous prayer:

Release me
Release me
Let me go
Release us
I release myself
Surrender

It was completely dark.

I felt desperate when I prayed. I felt relieved when I smoked. My nose was running. Sweat poured off of me, though I did not feel very hot. I got a rash on my chest which dissipated after the ceremony. I cried intensely for a few moments and then it was gone. I felt like the slippery sweat moved energy through me quickly and so much gunk was cleared. energetically.

4/4/08

I've been meditating and practicing a little Yoga in teh mornings before breakfast. I wake up around 6 and don't have to be at work until 9- so lots of time for relaxing morning activities.

Breakfast was so delicious- chocolaty, superfood granola bars and fig-mint-lemon nut mylk.

It was just Heidi and I in the garden today, which was really relaxing. The work was really physically tough though! I learned to water and sow seeds. I sowed beds with lettuces and wildflowers. I also spent several hours clearing straw from one bed into the compost area.

Lunch was the best salad ever- fresh sprouts, fresh greens from the garden, fresh sauerkraut, yummy dressing, green powder and these yummy soaked dried figs filled with walnut-dulse pate- I had 6 of them!

After work I went to the lovely Shabbat service. I'll tell more about this later on. It was amazing. I received shaktipat again!

Now I am late for brunch and pretty hungry.

I have arrived- I am home.

2008-04-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

It's 7:30am and I am about to head up to breakfast. There is so much to tell and at the moment my time is a bit limited, so I'll give you a brief summary:

The three days prior to leaving are a big blur of giving things away, stuffing my face with food, saying farewell to friends, packing, moving things into storage yet again, counseling, celebrating, watching the rest of Lost season 2, and just barely sleeping.

My journey out here was simple and lovely- mostly I slept- on the plane, in 3 airports, on the shuttle ride from Tucson.

Arrival here was sweet.

The other apprentices and I have spent the last two days having several tours of the fantastic grounds, and participating in what I would call initiation rituals- we walked the largest chartres style labyrinth barefoot- which started out feeling like delicious reflexology, yet ended with each of us in severe foot pain. We took 3 ceremonial dunks in the mikva, which if you aren't familiar is a ritual bath in the Jewish tradition- great for energetic cleansing.

Last night I went to an evening meditation program where we chanted the Triyumbikum (Sanskrit prayer which I know well from my Yoga studies), 108 times, followed by a silent meditation, during which Dr. Cousens (founder of this place) came around and gave each person shaktipat, (a poke in the third eye from a spiritually enlightened being- the purpose of which is to awaken kundalini energy- more on this in a later post). After that we went in one of the three hot tubs, where we looked up at the starry sky before bed.

The food is absolutely fantastic!! I'll talk more about this later too!

There are 3 other apprentices in the Garden program and they are all sweet! We all happen to be from the west coast, and we are all women. I am the eldest by almost 10 years!

The two garden managers are the coolest bosses ever- or at least they seem like it so far. The gardens themselves are amazing!! So is the sprout house- where you can juice your own wheatgrass any time you choose!!

Today is our first day of officially working in the garden. The coolest thing that I have seen so far are little tine baby dino kale sprouts, just coming up. We were told that we each have the opportunity to start our own garden plots! We get to plant anything we choose and future apprentices will take over when we are gone- pretty amazing!! We also get to de some kind of design projects- again more on that later.

I want to head up to breakfast now, so I'll write more later- I just wanted everyone to know that I am more than well taken care of here. I have had the two best nights of sleep I've had in the longest time, and the best bowel movements ever :)

All Systems Are Go!

2008-03-24T19:52:00.001-07:00

What I have consumed today:

1 quart water w/ msm and lemon
1 quart green juice with various greens plus apple, blackberry, lemon
1 papaya
delicious pumpkin seed, cucumber, avo pate with sprouts, microgreens, baby radishes, and various sea veggies wrapped in nori with baby lettuce, kimchi and more sprouts- yum!
2 valencia oranges
1 soaked prune
delicious salad w/ baby lettuces, mixed sprouts, watermelon daikon, sprouted pumpkin seeds, tomato, arame, dulse, bacon avocado, lemon juice, hemp oil, miso, kelp granules- best salad ever!
a little bit of mango-seaweed-prune-chia mush (my new favorite food)
5 olives

Every food I've been eating tastes like the absolute best food ever, and I keep wanting more. It's hard to tell whether I am hungry or simply enjoying the taste, or eating for emotional reasons, or a combination of all three.

I finally had a bowel movement this morning, which was nothing short of phenomenal! It was the first time I pooped without a colonic or an enema since going on the juice feast, and I am very grateful for the return of the normalish bowel movement! I was reflecting this morning on how for many months before and after going raw I was having pretty loose stools just about everyday. At that time I couldn't imagine it ever stopping- and now I've been at the other extreme. I am feeling that my system is moving towards finding a balance and that makes me very happy. As I've said before, the workings of the colon are such a great metaphor for the rest of life- what am I hoding onto, and what am I able to release?

Yesterday ended up being a great day! Paul and I ended up riding bikes out to the beach. Once we got there, I put down a little blanket and we just laid in the sun for a couple hours. It was actually warm and lovely, (kinda unusual for SF weather), and I really appreciated soaking up the rays. On the way back we atopped at Cafe Gratitude for dinner, (cosonut water w/ E3 Live for me). Then I stopped off at Rainbow to visit Kevin and pick up a few greens. I got to meet his girlfriend who was also visiting- lucky coincidence :) She's great and also raw, so always fun to meet other raw folks in the flesh! It's hard to believe I am actually going to be living in a raw community in less than a week!!

Today I had my last session with a health counseling client. It was awesome! I love doing one-on-one counseling work. It took me the whole last year to get comfortable with simply being myself and getting out of my head so that I could be really present and open and really take in the clients. And of course, now that I am leaving, I am really loving the work. I hope I get to do more of that kind of work in the future...hmmm.....I have lots of fantasies about how that could exist in my life :)

I am still completely addicted to watching episodes of the tv show Lost on ABC.com. It's so strange that now, as I am preparing to move even further away from all of the conventions of society, I am totally consumed by watching a television program. It's been what- 5 years or more since I lived with a tv. I used to be a total tv junkie, and then once I quit, I never thought about it again...until now. And now, I am thoroughly enjoying myself with this show :)

Tomorrow, the countdown really begins...barely any free time, and lots of logistical stuff to do to get myself packed up and out of town on Sunday. I am witnessing the dance between being completely present and focused on whatever I am in the midst of doing, and moments of shear anxiety at thoughts of the future. Today as I notice all of this mental/emotional activity I am feeling like a quiet observer to it all. I am feeling grateful for that, and curious about what tomorrow will bring. For now...a little more packing, a little more mango, and another episode of Lost :)

I Welcome in Fear and Anger

2008-03-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

I've had a challenging time since I wrote last night and I am writing here to try and make some sense, aid these feelings in passing- or something...

I tried to watch some more Lost, and ate the entire bottle of the mushroom kraut- I think that was my body trying to push the sugary dates through with some probiotics, (maybe?). I wrote a blog entry, though I don't feel like I really got out what I needed to say- there is so much denial with this shit! About 2 hours after the dates I got hit with this need to go to sleep immediately- like I just about passed out. This is a feeling I haven't had at all on the juice feast. In fact, I often find myself wide awake very late into the night, and then I sleep a few hours and wake up completely refreshed. Not so last night. I crashed out around midnight, and had a nightmare... I can't remember it all but let's see what I can piece together...

Rushing down a steep series of streets- maybe Sausalito-in order to make it onto a cruise ship that was leaving. I was running ahead and my 2 travel companions were counting on me to get there in time. As I was heading down the hill I realized that I forgot to bring my wallet and passport and I was cursing myself for not being prepared. I rushed and rushed for what seemed like forever and then when I got down the ship was pulling away from the dock. Next I was in some kind of yoga training course/school program. We were in a gymnasium and Robert Knotter/Venu (you know how people can be two different people at the same time in dreams?) Venu was one of the instructors at the Yoga training I did in India, and Robert is one of the teachers from IIN. I don't particularly get along with either one of them in person- or I should say, I don't particularly like or respect either of them. I think they represent parts of me that I am ashamed of. Robert seems kind of shallow and Venu is kind of mean and angry sometimes. So in the dream, the Robert/Venu character was leading us in some kind of asana practice where we were moving all around the room. It seemed completely wrong to me and I wasn't that engaged. He was paying a lot of attention to some people in the front who were really buttering him up- asking all kinds of questions and trying to do exactly what he was asking. I was feeling left out and not interested. he then began to speak sternly to me and tell me that I should leave. He wasn't just asking me to leave the room, he was asking me to leave the program and for some reason this was a huge deal to me. I couldn't handle being kicked out so I started to argue with him. It got heated and I was yelling and screaming at him- like really, really angry- totally out of control, all of my aggression was being channeled directly at this man in front of the whole class. And for some reason my sister was there as well, with her baby. And Radha was there too, (she's Venu's wife and probably the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, angelic person I've met). She was trying to help the situation in a calm way, though she was pretty clearly siding with Venu that I had to go. As I finally retreated, out of shear exhaustion from so much yelling and screaming, I walked with my sister down the hall of my high school. Then I woke up, with pain in my gut, and a flood of guilt, shame, anger, sadness. And for a few minutes I stayed laying in bed because I literally thought I wasn't going to be able to stand up. That was really odd. I had no nightmares during the juice feast.

Now I'm up.

I had some abdominal pain when I awoke which is very unusual for me and seemed directly related to the way I ate last night.

I meditated for 25 minutes and got to welcome in the feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.

I haven't showered or eaten or even had any water.

I can't decide what to do.

My thoughts are:

I want a day where I have a complete break from thinking about food.

Fast today on nothing, or just have water, or juice, or juice and mango, or mango and spirulina and maybe some seaweed.

Ride my bike out to the beach alone or with Paul. (I left him a message)

Go shopping for the last couple items I want to bring to the Tree of Life.

Lay in bed and watch movies.

Do absolutely nothing and then have a juice with Paul at Cafe Gratitude tonight.

It's sunny outside today and I know that I generally feel good when I am outdoors in the sun.

I don't know what to make of all of it.

I do know that none of it feels very good.

And I keep thinking back to my healing sessions with Zoe/Eric and with Angel, in which the suggestions from both were to invite in my fears and anger. Let them in. So...

I invite in all anger and all fear.
I welcome them into my body, into every level of my being.

(Take a few breaths and let them in)

I invite them in and welcome them- not just for a visit, but forever. I want them and I need them. They are the dark side, and light cannot exist without dark.

I welcome the fear of death. I am going to die and that is scary. (breath)
I welcome the fear of not being enough. (breath)
I welcome the fears of failure and of success- of never getting what I want, and of getting exactly what I want. (breath)
I welcome the fear of being hurt, by others, by the world, by myself. (breath)
I welcome the fears of pain- physical and emotional. (breath)
I welcome the fear of my body not working the way I want it to. (breath)
I welcome the fear of losing my mind. (breath)
I welcome the fear of eating too much, eating everything. consuming everything and everyone. (breath)
I welcome the fear of destroying anything I love. (breath)

I welcome in the anger I feel at my body- hating my body. (breath)
I welcome the anger I feel towards my parents, teachers, peers, ancestors, and modern American society for everything they didn't give me. (breath)
I welcome in the anger I feel towards myself for not doing it right, for thinking there is a right, for trying to be perfect, for not being perfect, for not seeing that I am perfect already. (breath)
I welcome in the anger I feel towards the world for not being fair. (breath)
I welcome in the anger I feel at this moment because I am trying to fix myself RIGHT NOW by writing this. (breath)

I don't know what to do with this or where to go from here. So I'm just going to sit here for a while...

Out with the Old, In with the New!

2008-03-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today's consumption:

1 quart water w/ msm and lemon
1 pint green juice- romaine, spinach, celery, cucumber, kale, parsley, mint, pear, asian pear, lemon
1T bee pollen
date and navel and sauerkraut samples at farmer's market
1 pint green juice
1 navel orange
3/4 quart water
1 mango, 4 soaked prunes w/ soak water, handful of sea palm and wakame, sprinkled chia seeds
salad w/ baby lettuce, various sprouts, baby radishes w/ greens, avo, tomato, sprouted pumpkin seeds, 4 kinds of seaweed soaked in prune water, hemp oil, miso, lemon juice, kale granules
4 more soaked prunes
1 pint green juice
a shitload of dates

Today was intense. What do I talk about? I'll give a high point and a low point:

High:

Walking to BART this morning I had a moment where I was brought to tears. It just hit me that I am leaving in 1 week and I am going to the exact place where I want to be- yes, physically I think the TOL garden will be a good spot for me. But what I was feeling at that moment was that energetically-spiritually-emotionally...I am there, here, in a spot of having/being exactly what I want in this life. And what brought me to tears was- not just one thing, but a multitude of thoughts and feelings at once. I'll try to capture a few...

What is it like to have everything I want? Can I handle it? Will I explode? Will I find that I was attaching too much meaning to the location only to be disappointed when it doesn't meet my expectations? Will I wake up and realize that I am actually a complete failure? Does this mean I will be involved in a relationship soon? Do I want that? Can I handle being this open all the time? YES, I will have my hands and feet in the earth and on my meditation cushion. I can be free and grounded simultaneously. When I am not spending all of my energy trying to control my body, my interactions, the world...what will I do, where will I go, how will I live? There's no turning back- there's no reason to turn back. Can I bring my friends and family with me? Do they want to come? Do I want them to come? AAAHHH!

There was more. I continued to have a really profound experience all day. I was really noticing so many thoughts and feelings, and simply going slow enough to allow them. It was very satisfying.

Other mini highs:

met the woman behind the amazing raw sauerkraut company and had a great convo!
deep, lovely connection with Karen
got an organic cotton tank top at the market, plus some cedar and incense from the sage lady.
got amazing sprouts, baby lettuces, baby radishes, delicious navel, cheap fujis
made the most delicious mago-seaweed-chia-prune dish again!
made a delicious salad- so yummy!
nice convo with Sean on the phone
Great convo with Day who called for support which felt really nice
finished my 36 days of juicy produce twist tie fruit bowl- here's a photo:

Low:

I binged on dates. I'm not sure what the actual low point was. I know that I had eaten quite a bit and was pretty full and satisfied- and then I remembered that I bought the dates at the market- a lot- like 1/2 pound of them. I don't need to go on with the details- you get the picture. I can't actually say that the date eating was a low, because it was actually rather uneventful. And to tell you the truth I didn't/don't feel particularly sick physically, or even emotionally about the whole thing. The whole mental loop is there in my head, and it is kind of running like a tape, without having too much impact. So I'm not sure why I write this as a low. Maybe because I am disappointed that I would choose to muck up my system so quickly after the juicing- though maybe I didn't muck anything up. Maybe for some reason I needed to eat those dates. Maybe it was actually good for me.

I feel the old habit pattern dropping away.
I love that I have the freedom to come to new habits in an authentic way, as I am ready.
I trust my body today.
I ate the most amazing food today.
I am grateful for being alive.

Growing Pains

2008-03-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today I had a reintroduction to food in a way that I haven't experienced it since juice feasting. I am still sorting out how it all feels...

In the morning, I made 2 quarts of mostly green juice with some pear and blackberry. I drank a quart of water with msm and lemon, and then I drank a quart of juice. A while later- maybe an hour and a half or so, I made a concoction that was very delicious- at the time I thought it was the best dish ever! I cut up a perfectly ripe mango, added 4 soaked prunes with some soaking water, a spoonful of chia seeds, and a handful of wakame and sea palm. I mixed it together, let it sit for few minutes and...YUM! I ate half, and then went back for the other half because it was so delicious. I mean, I really thought this was the best food I had ever eaten! Shortly after that I drank a quart of water, and after that I was feeling really, really full- like, more full than I wanted to feel. And I was also really satisfied. It was so good to eat seaweed again- and with that perfect mango.... A couple hours later I ate the rest of the soaked prunes- maybe 6 more, and drank a bit more juice and a pint of water. Then a couple hours after that I made myself my first salad since coming off of the feast. In order to decide what to put in the salad I sat down and intuitively decided what sounded good to eat. I made a list:

soft greens
avocado
tomato
seaweed
sauerkraut
hemp oil
hemp seeds
nutritional yeast
lemon juice
sprouts
microgreens
olives

I went to the store and bought the things I didn't already have, and then I made a salad with all of those things, plus a little spirulina sprinkled on top. Again I served myself about half of it, finished it, and went back for the other half. It tasted good, though not the best ever. What I was/am left with is that it was so complex compared to juicing, or eating a single fruit at a time. Even a juice with more ingredients feels more simple than that salad. And I barely even used any of the toppings, meaning it was mostly greens.

And after eating the salad- immediately after- I had a major sweet craving and ate a tangerine. There was no question about it- I HAD to eat that tangerine in that moment. And then I drank the rest of me green juice. Now I feel pretty full again, in my belly.

So why am I writing all of this? What am I trying to get at? Hmmm....I guess I am trying to understand my feelings and thoughts about it all. I feel all screwed up as far as how much food to eat. Before the juice feast I ALWAYS ate large portions, and I just about always ate until I was super stuffed. There was some enjoyment I got out of that. I also always ate whatever I was craving. And generally everything I ate had some kind of sweetener. If it was a salad, there was agave or honey in the dressing. If it was fruit, it was often just fruit, or dried fruit- not fruit with spirulina or seaweed. I mean, I did eat a lot of green smoothies, though they were always pretty sweet tasting. And if there wasn't sweet, then there was definitely a good deal of fat- like nuts or seeds, coconut, avocado. I was always making sure that there was a major grounding, (yang), element to whatever I ate, because I feared feeling too yin, too expansive without it. So if I made a smoothie it contained some nut milk or oil, and if I ate a salad it had an oily dressing and avo and some nuts or seeds. And there was always some kind of super heavy food at some point in my day- dried fruits, dehydrated crackers, chocolate treats, raw puddings, fancy pies or cakes, nut ice cream shakes, or something similar.

So now, I'm all confused about what sounds good to me, and how much I want to eat at all. It's a little challenging to hear the difference between my intuition, and my thoughts on what I "should" eat.

What sounds good is this:

1. Continue to drink 2 quarts of green juice a day- 1 quart first thing, and one quart last thing.

2. Continue to drink 3 quarts of water a day, at least one with msm- i'm not entirely sure what it's doing for me, and I feel like it's a good thing.

3. Continue to eat juicy fruits and soaked prunes- loving mangos right now! I bought 3 more tonight. I might even try that mango-seaweed concoction again!

4. Eat sea vegetables. I really missed them on the feast and I feel like I can never get enough of them, all kinds.

5. Experiment with small, simple salads- more simple than the one tonight. Use baby lettuces and just a couple other ingredients, with lemon juice and a little hemp oil.

6. Continue to dialog with myself as I notice all of the fears coming up around eating.

7. Be with what is, and enjoy the process of figuring it out. This is a new place that I am in with food. It's a huge transformation and it may take some time to adjust.

I am not interested in being so rigid with myself either. And yet, I am afraid of truly letting go and trusting that my body can take care of itself. Again I am having the feeling that my mind and my body are not part of the same being- like "I" am the mind part and my body is the enemy. Man that is frustrating! I am actually embarrassed to write it here because "I should know better!" And I do. And I am writing these thoughts here out of curiosity to allow them to exist and find out how they are important to the healing process. I can hear the two differing attitudes as they sort of duel in every other sentence. HA! I just had this thought that- wow, must be hard to have a fight going on in there all the time. Then I realized that it's ME I'm talking about...it's ME that has that fight going on...no wonder I've been feeling so challenged about what to eat!

The main salvation that has been occurring to me all day is that it is not my task to make all of these thoughts go away. I don't have to do that. All I have to do is allow them to flow through. Everything which arises, passes away. Even with that acknowledgment I feel an absolute sense of relief. It's all just a bunch of thoughts...in my head...nothing is actually wrong. The world is not going to end this minute. Tomorrow is another day. Who knows what it will bring. I know that I am meeting 2 friends tomorrow one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. I know that being outdoors with friends gives me lots to think about that has nothing to do with food. I know that in just over one week I am going to live in a community of people and I will be spending most of my time out of doors with friends. I know that this is exactly the perfect environment for me to allow the stream of thoughts to flow freely, to witness them, to acknowledge them, to release them, or to figure out how to use them in a healing way.

I am so grateful for all that has happened along this journey that is my life. I cherish everything I have been through- all of the struggles and all of the joys. I am so grateful for all of the healing that has taken place over the past few years which enables me to share myself with others and feel connected to myself, other people, and spirit. I love all parts of the journey. I choose to continue to grow. That is who I am- an ever growing, transforming, beautiful, amazing, creature. And so is everyone else who I encounter.

Lessons from the Toilet

2008-03-20T22:58:00.001-07:00

Here are before and after Juice Feasting photos.

The first one was actually taken about a week into January, just before I did a 21 day cleanse which involved eating mostly green smoothies and green blended soups. I was feeling pretty good when that cleanse was completed, though I wasn't quite ready to be done cleansing. I continued eating the blended foods for a few weeks, and then began overeating again, before I got inspired to do the Juice Feast.

The second photo I took today, just after I returned home from my post Juice Feast colonic. I'm not sure the photo does justice to just how light, free and glowing I was feeling at that moment. Take my word for it...I was!

It's funny, looking at these two photos. I completely identify with the second one, and the first one seems like someone from my distant past- even though it was only a couple months ago. It reminds me that A LOT has happened in these months...A LOT!!

Today I had 2 quarts of green juice with apple and lemon. I also had some soaked prunes, a mango, 5 strawberries, a tangerine, some green powder, msm, bee pollen, coconut oil, kelp powder, and 2 quarts of water. When I got home from the colonic I made the most delicious concoction! I diced the mango, added 6 soaked prunes and some soak water, plus 1T vitamineral greens and 1T bee pollen. I mixed it all up with a spoon and ate it...YUMMMY! It was the first thing I've had that really felt like a meal- and it was so spontaneous and delicious. I am looking forward to making a salad tomorrow with avocado!

I really had the most profound colonic experience ever today. First off, I LOVE my colon hydrotherapist. She's so gentle and wise and sweet and we just really get along super well. Today she said that she was impressed by what came out of me, and that from all that she's seen it's hard to impress her. I was pretty impressed too :) Let me try to explain what was profound...

I believe that for me, stress is the cause of any kind of illness I suffer from- physical, emotional, mental, whatever- it all results from some kind of stress. And the way stress shows up in my body, mind, spirit, etc. is through some kind of holding on- holding onto thoughts, holding patterns in the body through muscle constriction, holding back feelings, holding grudges, holding onto old ideas or ways I think the world should be, holding onto ways I think I should be-think-act-feel that I really don't, etc. I notice more and more that the more I am able to relax my body-mind-spirit (let go), the healthier I feel all around- the better I feel physically, the better I am at communicating with other people, the more balanced I feel. Sometimes it's easy to relax, like when I am receiving bodywork, or sitting in a hot tub, or laying in the sun, for example. And sometimes it's more challenging- like when I am about to give a presentation, or when I feel like I am in danger, or when my mind feels very agitated for any reason.

In my colonic session today I was really connecting to the metaphor of holding on and releasing, and how evident that is during the colon hydrotherapy session. I mean that's what it is- a series of holds and releases. And it feels pretty similar every time. As I am getting filled up with water it seems pretty manageable up to a point. Certainly, the more relaxed I am, the more manageable it feels. And then inevitably, as the toxins are getting ready to be released, there is a short time of feeling really uncomfortable- like, yuck! And even though I know that the discomfort will last no more than a minute, tops, it's challenging every time. There's no avoiding that discomfort. And today it made total sense to me. I mean, literally, illness-toxicity-waste-shit, often really old shit, is exiting my body. OF COURSE that is uncomfortable. It's a little scary and tough to release all that darkness from my being. And then it feels like the dam breaks...and then TOTAL RELIEF...Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. And of course that makes sense too. The toxins just left the building. I am free-clean-healthy. And this whole process happened today at least 10 times with really HUGE, AMAZING results. Just thinking about it now I almost can't believe how much came out of me- how much I have been holding onto, and how much I was able to shed in one short hour. And when I was done...I was done. And I know there's more. And that's perfectly okay because whatever didn't go today simply wasn't ready to go today.

And a revelation I had about it today is that going to the bathroom is a fantastic reminder of the ebb and flow of holding and releasing. We get to do it everyday- hopefully 2-3x. And we can choose how to connect to that experience. Do I release everyday, or do I hold onto shit for a few days? When I release is it quick and easy, or slow and painful? What is the quality of what comes out of me? What is the shape, color, odor, size? Does it change? I feel that exploring all of these questions gives me a new perspective on my digestive system. I have definitely been interested in my poop for a few years now- and today I just got it on a whole other level. I guess the shift is from asking those questions in a judging way, to simply observing with curiosity. I am realizing that I can actually trust my digestive system to take care of itself, and I can observe with amazement at how it works- how I work. I think I used to live in fear of holding on- like, if I don't get that bowel movement out now, maybe it will go back into my body and infect me. I've been acting as if my body is against me- is separate from my mind, and as though I am in charge of controlling it. Yikes- what a waste of energy, and rather detrimental to my health. Whatever I let go of today really opened my consciousness to a new level of body-mind connection. Cool.

Mmmmmangooooo!!!!

2008-03-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

It is officially the end of my third day of incorporating solids back into my diet. I am loving the process! Here's the rundown of how it's going:

Today's Food:

2 quarts green juice- spinach, romaine, celery, dino kale, red and yellow chard, bok choy, parsley, apple, lemon
1 mango
3 strawberries
3 pixie tangerines
8 oz soaked prunes with soaking water
2 1/2 quarts water

supplements- 1T msm powder, 1T bee pollen, 1T coconut oil

Energy:
High and even

Mood:
Mellow, easy, joyful, tolerant

Hunger:
Hmm...this is a little tricky. I am finding myself hungry before eating a meal- which has been mostly some green juice followed by a fresh fruit and some soaked prunes. While eating I feel kinda ravenous- like I want to eat a lot and fast, though I am really attempting to go slow, chew thoroughly, and appreciate all of the eating process. Then about 15 minutes later I am feeling quite full after about a pint of juice followed by a fresh fruit and about 4-5 prunes. A couple times I have overeaten and then felt way full afterwards in an uncomfortable way- this happened last night. I think I am slowly getting hte hang of how much feels good to eat, how much my body wants.

Symptoms:
My mind feels very clear and focused. I am quite gassy. I feel very sensitive to how my body feels. a couple blemishes on my chin.

Exercise:
Rode my bike 1 hour and walked 45 minutes.

Self Care:
Amazing massage from Pamela today!

Meditation:
25 minutes this morning. I set an alarm for 45 minutes, to see if I would stay that long, and I didn't.

Bowels:
Nothing. I feel okay, though a little bloated. I had a small bowel movement last night. I am really looking forward to going in for a colonic tomorrow morning.

Musings:
I have had a really fantastic day and I am tired now, though I have been feeling really amazing most of the day. Some things I feel grateful for today:

1. I had an amazing conversation with my mom- this in itself is something I could never have imagined myself saying just a few years ago. I love my mom.

2. I had the best massage I've probably ever had. It was so great because throughout the session I was in a dialog with Pamela. I was super in tune with exactly where I wanted her to work, and she was so open to going into those spots in a deep yet gentle way. It was cool to have our intuitions working together, and my shoulders and neck feel the most relaxed they have in forever.

3. I gave my first "Raw Foods 101" talk tonight to a small group of women at a pilates studio. They are in a group that is learning about whole foods and holistic health that is lead by my coworker and friend Alice. She asked me to come in as a guest speaker and it was SO AWESOME! The women were so sweet and open and it was so fun to share with them and to answer their questions.

4. I found the most amazing people to help me move my things into storage using their veggie oil powered truck. They are local artists who are building an art studio in the truck, and to make the money to get the project going they are operating a moving company. The guy, Crockett, who I spoke to, was super nice and they are super cheap too!

5. I spoke to Maya about helping her shop and prep food for the Fruition party next week. I am so thrilled that she wants to organize, and that our schedules match up perfectly for me to assist!

6. The sushilovecake dishes are almost finished being washed. This is a project that has been waiting to be completed since last August and it feels so amazing to have the motivation to get it done. Hallelujah!

Wow. Really, great day. I have had some challenges today as well. I guess I want to write for a minute about food and weight and body image stuff...

I definitely lost a bunch of weight this past month- probably 20 pounds. It was one of my goals on the feast, to get to what feels like a natural, comfortable weight in a healthy way, once and for all, and to stay there. I feel like I am there- or almost there. It feels so good to have a thinner body, flatter belly, less excess on my sides. It also feels a little unfamiliar and a little scary. I guess the scary is 2 things- 1 is that I am afraid of reverting back to old eating habits, gaining weight, and feeling crappy. The other is that I feel like there's no "protective layer" around my body that will keep me from getting close to other people. I feel more visible, more attractive, and that means I may attract people to me- yay and yikes.

What will it really be like to eat truly for nourishment and not for emotional comfort? I guess I have been doing this during the feast, yet it was pretty easy with a structure to follow. How easy will it be with total freedom?

What will it really be like to be out there, living my life, getting involved in all kinds of new relationships- including romantic, intimate ones? I know I want it- relationship, connection, community. And I know that means I get to be vulnerable.

It has been pretty easy to be eating juicy fruits and green juice and prunes. And fortunately, I am finding that I am feeling full after eating a relatively small amount at each sitting. What will happen tomorrow? Will this continue? Will I slowly begin to eat more and start to slip back into old habits of overeating? Right now I have very little desire for nuts, or dehydrated foods, or anything complex. A salad sounds good with juicy veggies and fruits like cucumber and tomato. Avocado sounds good.

I guess the voice in my head that is scary is the judge that is saying stuff like- "did you really need to eat those prunes at 9pm? You know you're not supposed to eat that late.", and then, "There you go, judging yourself, being restrictive. You should give yourself a break."

I've been thinking so much lately about that judging voice. And I am so aware of the fact that I have lived my life as though there is a right way to be and that if I do everything right I will have everything I want. And I know in my head that it is NOT TRUE. And I feel in my body that it is NOT TRUE. Let me end with some affirmations:

I am enough.
I approve of myself.
I am beautiful and perfect as I am, right here, right now.
Everything that happens is exactly what is supposed to happen.
I have come a long way.
I am home, I have arrived.
Everything I feel is okay.
Everything I think is okay.
I feel more alive than I have ever felt before and it is incredible.

The Feast Has Been Broken!!

2008-03-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

I broke the feast last night. Here's the story...

I had nowhere to go all day yesterday, and I was really glad about that because my energy was extremely low. It was so low, in fact, that I began to get pretty concerned. The best way I can think to describe the way I felt was as if I was a marionette puppet that was not being manipulated- like a rag doll, simply sopped of all animation, slumped in a pile on the bed. I managed to make juice, and to do a little packing and sorting of things in the apartment. I was even present on a conference call that involved planning a big Fruition party. The way I was feeling was less that I felt physically tired, and much more emotionally tired- like I had a complete lack of motivation towards doing absolutely anything. I kept having this strange thought that I was literally losing the will to live. Maybe that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean that I was depressed, or actually thinking that I wanted to die- because that wasn't it. I just felt completely not interested in doing any possible activity, or even seeing anyone or going anywhere. I spoke to a few friends on the phone throughout the day and couldn't even muster the desire to ask anyone for help or support. I felt like an observer simply watching myself just barely exist. And the one feeling/thought that did arise a LOT was that this was kind of a scary and fucked up place to be in.

It was Day 28 and I guess I was holding out until I completed the 30 days as I had planned...

...Until it occurred to me around 4:00pm that I could end the feast whenever I wanted to- and I WANTED to!

So I soaked my 8oz. of prunes and planned to break the feast the next morning, (this morning). And I continued on with the day. Around 9:00pm I got a strong desire to watch a movie, only I didn't have one, so I went online to see if I could download one for free. As I was looking for that I came across the ABC tv website, and found out that I could watch tv shows for free. I haven't seen tv in years, and I barely even think about tv or have any desire to watch it- though for some reason I was really into the idea. I had heard of the show 'Lost', and saw that I could watch it from the beginning of the series. So I loaded up the pilot episode. Then in a quick decision I got the prunes, and decided to break the feast right then- at 9:00pm, while watching tv. It was so NOT the way that I would have imagined breaking the feast. It was NOT in the feast breaking protocol to end it this way. And yet there I was with a bowl full of prunes, sitting in front of my computer, and it felt absolutely right. It's funny how reality sometimes falls so far from the images of how I think things ought to be.

And I went for it. I began eating the prunes slowly...chewing..swallowing...they tasted extremely sweet, and also kinda savory- rich, meaty almost. I continued to eat my way through the bowl. They tasted extremely satisfying until about half way through and then they started to taste sorta disgusting. I continued to eat them anyway. I'm not sure why. I ate all 8oz. and felt very full immediately- not sick, just full. Then I got in bed and watched 5 episodes of Lost, back to back, until 2:00am. I felt the low energy thing lift very quickly. I felt like a human again. I knew that I had made the right choice for myself.

I went to sleep. When I got up today I made my juice, same as always. I had also soaked more prunes and had 2 meals of 4oz. prunes each, (one at 11:00am, the 0ther at 4:00pm). The prunes were delicious. I did feel quite full from them and didn't enjoy feeling the solid food in my gut. It just felt super heavy. I also took the ginger and white oak bark. I got home at the end of the evening and realized that I had 2 quarts of juice left to drink that I just couldn't finish. For the first time ever I actually poured about a quart and a half down the drain. I put on some more prunes to soak for tomorrow. I also bought 3 mangoes, 3 tangerines, and a package of strawberries to start eating the day after tomorrow.

My energy today was high! That has felt amazing. I spent half of the day hiking on the coast with Pamela, stopped at the coop, and then got to take a bunch of donation stuff to Goodwill. Then I went to see Day's new apartment and went to the first Yoga class I have been to in many months, which felt so satisfying- even though my muscles were feeling super tight. I didn't get home until 10:30pm which is really late for me. And now it's 2:00am and I am just winding down. (I watched 2 more episodes of Lost- this is why I gave up tv a few years ago- I get kinda sucked in- much better without the advertising though)

I still haven't pooped. I took one cascara sagrada capsule, and I've eaten 16oz. to date of prunes. I have had some gas, though nothing else. I have a colonic scheduled for Thursday morning so I'm not too concerned. And I do believe that once I am eating solid food again my system will kick back into the 2-3X/day that I usually have bowel movements. I guess I'll see what happens.

So far the feast ending is going as well as I could have hoped for. I look forward to another day of juice and prunes tomorrow.

Day 27

2008-03-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

Juice:
2 quarts plus 1 pint- green mix*, cucumber, pear, blueberry, blackberry, mint
2 quarts- green mix*, carrot, ginger, parsley, apple, sprouts
water- 2 quarts and I'm making my way through a third one
supplements- 2T msm powder, 3T bee pollen, 1T kelp powder, 2T vitamineral green, 1T coconut oil

green mix- romaine, spinach, yellow chard, kale, carrot tops, dandelion greens

Juicing today:
I was frustrated because the vitamix shorted out 3 times. I'm not sure what's going on with that. I've been in a routine of making the same juices for a week or so now and I'm getting kinda over the whole process.

Energy:
Super low when I'm alone, and much higher when I'm interacting with other people- though I've been inclined to spend most of my day alone. I got home around 4pm and have been sitting in my bed most of the time since then, watching a movie and tooling around online.

Mood:
For a lot of the day I was feeling pretty irritated- with the vitamix, people at the farmers market, my friends, myself.

Hunger:
I sat with Pamela while she ate tacos at the farmers market and I felt kinda hungry- or moreso I just wanted to eat food. I'm definitely getting ready to come off of the juice!

Symptoms:
As I've said above my energy is pretty low overall and I'm feeling kinda unmotivated. I still have 2 blemishes on my chin. I feel clean inside. I have a headache on the left side of my forehead. I've been freezing for a lot of the day.

Exercise:
Rode my bike 1.5 hours, rebounded for a few minutes.

Self Care:
Big shop at farmers market and Rainbow, went to young and raw potluck, and spent most of the rest of the day totally relaxing at home.

Meditation:
15 minutes when I woke up.

Bowels:
Again, nothing. I am a little gassy and a little bloated.

Musings:
One thing that I did do today was get a little further on organizing my things. I realize that I have really settled in here. It took me 3 months to decide to really move in, and then I got pretty settled pretty quickly. And now here I am, moving again. It looks like I'll have about 20 boxes to put into storage, plus 2 bikes. I also have a huge amount of things to donate- mostly clothes. Over the past few months I have really been undergoing a transformation around the amount and type of material items I have in my life. The bulk of what I now own are kitchen tools, books, and Burning Man supplies. I guess my goal for this storage and move is to pare down to whatever I feel is most essential. What I feel most attached to are the Burning Man things. And you know what, it's such a drag in a way to have so much of that stuff. And...I've spent the past 4 years collecting it all. And I have a feeling I'm not going to need all of the sushilovecake supplies anymore. I'm just not sure what to do with them. I feel like it makes the most sense to hold onto all of it in the storage unit and decide later. Now that I'm thinking about it, it just feels so much easier to get rid of it all. I'm not going to make sushi this year. I don't even know if I'm going to go. Part of me can't imagine not going. I love it there. And I can't imagine going without a camp. Of course, I could join someone else's camp and go with my backpack and get a bike on my way in and wing it. That sounds scary! Tomorrow I have nowhere to be all day, except on a conference call at 2:30pm. I'd like to spend the day going through all of my things and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of.

Day 26

2008-03-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

Juice:
1 pint- green mix*
2 quarts- green mix*, cuke, mint, pears, blackberries, blueberries, sunchoke
2 quarts- green mix*, carrots, apples, ginger, parsley, sprouts
water- 2 quarts so far- going for one more before bed
supplements- 2 or more T bee pollen, 1T coconut oil, 2T vitamineral green, 1T kelp granules, 2T msm powder

Energy:
All day and some of yesterday I have felt very quiet, low energy. I am not exactly tired. I feel like my body is completely ready to lay down and have someone carry me in their arms. I want to simply collapse and let go of any holding on that I am doing. I feel like something in me is dying- and it's hard to explain, but it feels really good- like total relaxation. I was moving a few boxes today and I barely had the motivation to lift them. I mean, I was able to do it pretty easily, though I didn't have much desire to do it, and I gladly accepted the help of others around who offered.

Mood:
I have gone in and out of feeling absolutely calm and relaxed and blissful, and also feeling a little frightened and frustrated. For the most part I feel really calm and satisfied.

Hunger:
Mostly not so much- and then when I returned from my bodywork session I was very hungry for an hour or so- which was when I had most of the supplements.

Symptoms:
I never mention this but I am always really cold, now I have 2 larger and 2 smaller blemishes in my chin area and something on my nose that hurts a little when I touch it, I took a photo of myself today and I look pretty radiant, the new "tired" feeling that I mentioned above, some vaginal discharge again this morning.

Exercise:
walked about half an hour, moved a few boxes from Fruition to my apt.

Self Care:
Healing session with Angel, and allowing myself to go slow and not do much more than that for the rest of the day. I got into sweats by 7:30pm and I've got my hot water bottle uder the covers with me now.

Meditation:
23 minutes this morning.

Bowels:
Great enema this morning- a lot of sludge-like stuff came out. It felt like a good release.

Musings:
I had an amazing session with Angel today. We addressed what I am really afraid of:

1. dying- not existing- destruction of "I".

2. my intense feelings of anger- huge need to express them to another person, coupled with the fear that if I do express them I will push away the person I express them to and that is someone who I will want to have close.

We did an exercise where I got to keep telling her my fear and then I grounded myself, until I really experienced the fear as merely a thought that did not have a strong hold on me. Then I got on the table and she did craniosacral work on me, which I was really soaking up. I felt like I could have laid there for 6 hours. It felt so good. At one point she had one hand under my sacrum and one hand under my neck and it felt like I was being held in the way I have been craving. She said something which I am trying to remember now...she said that the only thing I have to let go of is...shit, I forgot. After leaving there I felt so slow and grounded. I met Day after to pick up some boxes from Fruition and he asked me if everything was okay- similar to the way Maya asked me yesterday. And everything IS okay- it is actually way better than okay. I simply feel so calm and grounded and I have no interest in getting all hyped up about anything. i don't want to waste my energy. And I love feeling so relaxed. And I can't wait to get to the garden and dig my hands in the dirt.

I am beginning to look forward to eating prunes. I read about coming off the juice feast today. I have read the protocol several times, and I listened to an interview where Angela Stokes talked all about it. It sounds fairly straight forward. I have some fears about coming off of the feast:

1. I fear that my bowels will not start working regularly again.
2. I fear that I will gain weight.
3. I fear that I will binge eat and clog up my system.
4. I fear that without the structure of the juice eating will feel confusing and I won't know what to do and I will eat a bunch of food that I don't really want to eat and I will feel awful.
5. I fear that I won't have enough time before I leave for TOL to get my diet under control and that once I get there I will want to eat everything in sight and that the food there will be good, yet not so great for me.

Hmmm...I think I will read some more of Raw Emotions over the next few days and into the time when I come off the feast. I feel like I want support now more than at any other time during this feast. I know I am making a huge transition to eating in a new way and that in itself seems kinda scary. It doesn't feel simple, like going raw did. Maybe I took this next step a little prematurely. Maybe this is just how it is to shed the really big stuff.

Let it go...let it go...let it go...you don't need to protect yourself anymore...

Day 25

2008-03-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Juice:
2 quarts- green mix*, cuke, pear, mint, blackberry, sunchoke
2 quarts- green mux*, carrot, apple, ginger, parsley, sprouts
1 quart- water w/ cherry, lime, stevia
1 quart- water w/ msm, lemon
1 quart- water
other supplements- 2T bee pollen, 1T kelp powder, 1T coconut oil

green mix- celery, romaine, butter lettuce, purple kale, dino kale, baby collards, spinach, baby napa cabbage, dandelion greens, sorrel (it was kinda bitter- lots of dandelion and a good bit of kale)

Juicing today:
Success! I managed to make the carrot juice today without shorting out the vitamix! What I did was first add apples, sprouts, parsley and a little water. I blended that and then added most of the carrots, blended that and then added the rest of the carrots. It worked smoothly. I'm pretty into the juices that I've been making, and not reslly interested in trying out new ideas at this point. I like them to be pretty green, and also to have a little sweet edge. Sometimes, if the greens are more mellow- like a lot of lettuce and spinach or chard- I am happy to drink straight greens without carrot or pear or apple. Maybe when I am working back towards eating solids I'll do straight green juice, since I'll be eating fruit for meals in between.

Energy:
even, and kinda quiet. I defintely felt pretty mellow at cooking class compared to my usual pace.

Mood:
Kinda "okay" overall. I know I felt a little frustrated this morning at not being able to let go of certain thoughts/feelings. I enjoyed myself at cooking class, with a few moments of anxiety/frustration. Something in my mood definitely seems to have shifted after my healing session yesterday- like, I'm more spacey or something- more airy.

Hunger:
no. When I came home after class I did take some bee pollen and kelp and coconut oil. I felt the desire to ground myself with food. And at class I had everyone share about their old food craving habits, which kinda made me desire some of those old foods- kinda, not really though. And then when I was cleaning up the Thai chicken satay I had a flash moment where I wanted to eat some. It smelled really good for some reason. That passed immediately though.

Symptoms:
At the moment I have some soreness on my right side below the ribs- is that my liver? It's definitely an organ. I have a blemish near my chin on the left side. I feel light. I look really good- clear skin, bright eyes, less weight, healthy hair. I feel pretty spacey today.

Exercise:
not much. Mostly running around before during and after cooking class, and walking a few blocks from the bus to get there with heavy bags.

Self Care:
I really took my time this morning. I slept until 9 and then didn't leave the house until 1:40 to go to class.

Meditation:
15 minutes upon waking. I noticed that I didn't have a torrent of thoughts and feelings as I've been having lately. Everyday I think I want to sit longer, and then I get up. Why do I want to sit longer?

Bowels:
Nothing. I barely even had gas today. Somehow it feels right not to take any supplements to make things move. It also felt right to skip the enema today. I made a colonic appointment for next week and I can ask Shayla about it when I see her. I'm curious what will come out. I'm having a feeling that I'm mostly cleaned out. I know that's not usual, and I also feel like that might be the case.

Musings:
Hmmm...Tonight was the end of an era...I taught my last cooking class...at least, for now. It's a little confusing because I LOVE so many aspects of the class....pretty much everything except the cooked food. I even like planning the menu and smelling the food. I don't even have a problem with being involved with the meat. It's just a bummer that I don't want to taste anything. Of course, the students and assistants are really cool and understanding about my diet- and even about the juice feast. They all asked me how it was going. I really love the community aspect of the class. Tonight we went around at the end and everyone shared one junk food, or craving food that they used to enjoy. Then they shared something that they crave now that they didn't used to. It was so cool to hear about how they used to eat Hershey bars and now they crave greens. So who knows? Maybe I'll come back and teach more cooking classes. I just don't want to commit to anything beyond my time at TOL. It feels important to leave the future wide open.

I'm feeling very tired now. I am going to watch another episode of Flight of the Conchords and then go to bed :)

Day 24

2008-03-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

Juice:
2 quarts- green mix*, carrot, parsley, ginger, apple, sprouts
2 quarts plus 1 cup- green mix*, pineapple, raspberry, mint, cucumber
water- 3 quarts
supplements- 2T msm powder, 1T coconut oil, 2T bee pollen, 1T kelp granules

*green mix- romaine, butter lettuce, baby cabbage, spinach, red chard, dandelion, sorrel, baby collards, farmers market braising mix, celery

Juicing:
It gets simpler each day. I am always amazed that I tend to make exactly the amount that I am going for. One thing that has happened 3 days in a row now is that when I'm making the carrot juice the Vitamix cuts off and needs to rest for 10 minutes or so. I think the whole thing is taking an hour now without rushing. I am desiring to simplify the juices more- maybe have 3 kinds of greens only, and 3 or 4 other ingredients.

Energy:
good, strong, even.

Mood:
I had a brief period of anxiety this morning, noticing how free and clear I am feeling- feeling emptiness in my body, then I had a bodywork session which was INTENSE, (more on that below), and since then I have felt peacefully spent.

Hunger:
Nope. I didn't drink my first juice today until noon, and I just finished my last.

Symptoms:
I am really noticing feeling lighter, more empty. I am noticing a lot of emotions and thoughts coming up and they are passing through pretty quickly. I have a couple new little blemishes around my mouth on the left side. This morning I had a little bit of vaginal discharge that is kinda the color and consistency of yogurt. My skin is itchy where I am a little sunburned on my back.

Exercise:
I rode my bike for an hour.

Self Care:
Healing session with Eric and Zoe.

Meditation:
15 minutes upon waking.

Bowels:
Enema this morning with a couple of huge releases.

Musings:
I had a profound session with Eric and Zoe today. They do bodywork/energy work together. Basically we all sat in a room and they began to ask me questions. We got quickly into my stuff- the stuff that motivates me and holds me back- the stuff that I am working through. I cried a lot. They touched me at certain points. What I walked away with...

I am angry.
I am a perfectionist.

In order to let go of defensiveness and judgment, it is necessary for me to pull the anger close to me- to incorporate it into myself.

I do not have to push away others when I feel angry or defensive. It is all coming from me- not from them. And if I do have judgments or feel defensive, this is okay too.

Being who I am is okay.

I am moving into a place of recognizing my power, and learning to share my gifts with the world.

Whew! It was an amazing experience. I think it will take some time to take it all in.

Day 23

2008-03-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Juice:
2 1/2 quarts - green mix*, cucumber, mint, pear, fennel, blackberries
2 quarts- green mix*, carrot, parsley, apple, ginger
water- 2 1/2 quarts
supplements- 2T msm powder, 2 heaping T vitamineral green, 2 heaping T bee pollen, 2 T kelp, 1T coconut oil

*green mix- celery, romaine, butter lettuce, baby lettuces, red chard, spinach, tatsoi, dandelion, sorrel, baby collards, carrot tops

Energy:
Riding my bike was challenging today, and I actually opted to take public transport and walk in the afternoon because I was feeling tired.

Mood:
Exuberant in the morning, mellow later on, moments of feeling annoyed with other people

Hunger:
Yes- in the evening. I took so many supplements to compensate, and drank a quart of water. I'm starting to think about eating food and it's becoming appealing.

Symptoms:
really noticing weight loss, soft skin, clear eyes, extremely responsive to bodywork, feeling tired, feeling like there is stuck energy in my thoracic spine and in my neck, less sense of attachment to my feelings- though many emotions seem to be passing through intensely and quickly, craving sweets.

Exercise:
rode my bike for 40 minutes, walked about an hour.

Self Care:
Eric the magical chiropractor, chi nei tsang (organ massage) from the magical Jada, getting organized session with Pamela.

Meditation:
an hour during my chiropractic session- again it was very profound, and of course I don't remember what I discovered :)

Bowels:
I did an enema first thing this morning. I had to release almost right after I put the water in. There was one really good release. I haven't been too gassy today.

Musings:
I can hardly believe it's Day 23. In some ways I feel as though I have just begun, and in other ways I feel like this has been going on forever. I am beginning to think about how this feast will end- what's entailed, what I will want to eat after the prunes. I guess I am looking forward to coming off of the feast, though I also have some anxiety. In the past, I have had great success during cleanses, and a tough time coming off of them. While I feel way more prepared now than I ever have before, I am still a bit uncertain about how much of this transformation is for real- for keeps. I guess the uncertainty comes along with the binge-like behavior I feel like I've been doing with the bee pollen and kelp powder. One thought I am having about that now is that it may be physical- maybe I need to drink more juice, or more calorie dense juice- especially on a day like today when I have major bodywork, or yesterday when I was feeling pretty emotional. hmmm...

One great thing that I did today was to sit down with Pamela, a list of everything I would like to get done before I leave town, and my calendar. I penciled in when I am going to do the entire list, and it actually all fit well into the time I have left. I'm sure I forgot about some things, and I feel like there's still room to fit more in. What's more is that when I came home after making the plan, I actually completed the tasks I said I would do tonight. My fantasy is that I do the same tomorrow. In fact, it would be an incredible transformation for me to actually create a list of things to do, and do them when I say I will. I mean, I do always get everything essential completed, though often I put things off until the final hour and then they don't get the time or attention they deserve. I'm not sure the best next step in supporting myself in this process. I am sorta going on the one day at a time theory at the moment, to avoid feeling pressured by it all. I guess the coolest part of all is that the reason I want to complete all of these tasks is that they are in preparation for me to go to Arizona and work in the garden at the Tree of Life! I sorta have to keep reminding myself of that because it seems so far away from here. And yet, in less than 3 weeks I'll be there :)

Day 22

2008-03-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

The Juice:
2 quarts- greens mix*, cuke, pear, blueberry, mint, sunchoke, broccoli sprouts
2 quarts plus 1 cup- greens mix*, carrots, ginger, apple
1 pint- grapefruit, mint, celery, apple
water- 3 quarts
supplements- 2T bee pollen, lots of kelp (maybe 2T), 2T vitamineral greens, 1T coconut oil, 1T msm powder

*greens mix- celery, romaine, butter lettuce, mixed baby lettuces, red chard, sorrel, dandelion greens, tatsoi, plus other farmers market mixed greens.

Juice making:
It's taking about an hour now. Today's greens were kinda intense and I didn't love the juice. I drank the first two quarts and a quart of water pretty slowly over a few hours, and then I practically chugged the second 2 quarts in the late afternoon- which is also when I had just about all of the supplements.

Energy:
pretty strong and even most of the day, though I'm very tired now.

Mood:
Extremely erratic. I cried a few times today, deeply. I also yelled at a driver today and called him an asshole, (which I never do). It shifted between kinda flat, and pretty down.

Hunger:
I was super hungry in the late afternoon- so I drank 2 quarts of juice back to back and had a lot of supplements.

Symptoms:
Erratic mood swings and emotional outbursts. Looking in the mirror I almost do not recognize my face- my skin is so clear and glowing. I really noticed today that I have lost weight.

Exercise:
rode my bike about an hour and a half. It was hard and I felt tired.

Self Care:
I reached out to Pamela and Karen by phone to get some support for feeling sad. I'm also about to get in bed and go to sleep early.

Meditation:
25 minutes upon waking

Bowels:
nothing except some gas.

Musings:
I think the hunger today, and the subsequent binge-like behavior is related to something that happened last night. My friend Kevin spent the night here. We've known each other a few months and just about our entire relationship has developed over him spending the night at my place. He works at the health food coop and he lives in Oakland, so sometimes when he has to work Sunday night and then Monday morning, he stays here instead of heading back over the bridge. It's been pretty cool, and pretty casual. When we first met I kinda thought that maybe he was a potential person to date. And then we just developed what felt mostly like a friendship. And it was cool. And I liked the slow and easy way we were getting to know each other over time. And he's pretty much my only raw friend who lives in town.

Last night he told me that he is in a relationship with a woman he met on New Year's Eve. Apparently she's been living out of the country and she's moving back here to be with him. When he told me I was surprised that he hadn't mentioned it before, and happy for him. To tell you the truth, I guess I kinda thought that he was interested in me- just really shy about that sort of thing. (maybe that was me)

And then this morning when I was making my juice I suddenly got really sad and started crying. I kinda felt like I just broke up with someone.

And then this afternoon I found myself eating bee pollen, chugging my juice, and eating kelp granules in binge-like fashion.

Basically, I think I am lonely.

I realize that I am afraid and ashamed to be honest with myself about having feelings of attraction towards anyone. I guess I'm afraid that I will be rejected. I am so used to feeling not good enough- or at least feeling that I don't look good enough. I'm ashamed that I feel that way- I know it's simply not true and that I am so much more than those thoughts.

And, I'm lonely and desiring intimate connection. And I know I have to let go of all of the armor around my heart to let the intimacy in. I have a feeling that I'm gearing up to do that. Maybe admitting how I really feel is the first step. I feel super shy to even post this, and also I am so ready to move on and get what I want out of life. I do it in every other area...

Catch Up Plus Days 20 &21

2008-03-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a bit since I've written and I'd like to spend a few moments getting myself caught up. Since my last post I was in Miami for almost a week and now I've been back in SF since Friday night.

Miami
The trip was a juicy success overall. I brought my Vitamix, a nutmilk bag, my mason jars, a knife and cutting board, and a container to juice into, (plus my enema kit, bee pollen, vitamineral greens, msm, and kelp). I rented a car while down there and made several trips to the Whole Foods which was the best nearby option for produce. I woke up early every morning to meditate, juice, and do an enema before walking over to the conference. I thoroughly enjoyed drinking my juices, and was really glad to not have to try and figure out what the heck I was going to eat in South Beach. If you don't know that area, it's pretty much a perpetual Spring Break town- lots of college age people who are out to get drunk, have sex, and party! There were a couple juice bars, though not too many organic ingredients. At first I was a little startled to be amongst a community that was in such a different mindset than where I was. And then as the week went on I was simply enjoying the warm weather. I got to hang out at the beach and swim in the ocean everyday. And so many people wanted to learn about what I was drinking, and about juice feasting. And the conference itself was pretty good too- lots of opportunities to reconnect with friends and connect with new ones.

Return to SF
I got home on Friday night and I've had a pretty busy couple of days since. I was so happy to get to visit the Farmers' Market on Saturday morning. I bought so many greens that my fridge is about to burst, (well, not really- a lot of greens though). The weather here was fantastic all weekend, so I got to spend half of Saturday hanging out in the park with my friend Day, and half of Sunday on a beach hike in Point Reyes with Karen. I also had a massage from Pamela on Saturday which was so amazingly relaxing- my body is loving bodywork lately! And then we went to Osento, the women only hot tub/sauna place on Saturday night...yum. And last night I got to spend time with Kevin, practically my only local friend who is also 100% raw vegan. It's always really satisfying to get to talk with him because I feel like I can really share a lot about my raw experience and he gets it. I don't have to explain so much.

Day 20 Juice:
2 quarts- celery, romaine, spinach, bok choy, dandelion greens, cuke, mint, pear, fennel, radish, sunchoke, blackberries
2 quarts- spinach, dandelion greens, apple, carrot, carrot greens, parsley, ginger
1 pint- coconut water w/ E3 Live
supplements- 2T bee pollen, maybe 2T kelp granules, 1T hemp oil, 1t coconut oil, 2T vitamineral greens, 1T msm
water- 3 quarts

Day 21 Juice:
2 quarts- celery, romaine, baby collards, baby cabbage, red chard, tatsoi, dandelion greens, mixed greens from farmers market, cuke, apple, fennel, radish, sunchokes, sprouts, blueberries
2 quarts- celery, romaine, baby collards, baby cabbage, red chard, tatsoi, dandelion greens, mixed greens from farmers market, carrots, apple, ginger
1 pint- kale, romaine, dandelion, celery, apple, lemon
supplements- 2T bee pollen, 1T coconut oil, 2T vitamineral greens, 1t kelp and dulse granules, 2T msm
water- 3 quarts

Energy:
20- strong and even
21- high and even

Mood:
20- up and down from deeply connected and satisfied to 2 brief periods of anxiety and dissatisfaction
21- pretty cheerful, calm, joyful all day

Hunger:
20- yes! I finished my juices pretty early on in the day and drank them all pretty quickly, and then I was stoked to go to Gratitude and get a coconut water w/ E3 live- and when I got home pretty late I ate bee pollen and a lot of kelp/dulse

21- I was feeling a little hungry in the late afternoon after hiking and got a juice from a juice bar on my way home. I also wanted extra bee pollen last night and coconut oil when I got home.

Symptoms:
I'm noticing my energy beginning to really pick up. I'm sleeping no more than 6 hours and I usually wake up before my alarm goes off. The skin on my face is getting very clear, though there is one little blemish that seems to be emerging on the right side of my nose. My spine is feeling less achy than it has been for a while. I have been a little gassy the past couple days, generally shortly after I drink a juice. My skin feels soft and I smell good- like fresh- kinda like celery, (surprise, surprise!). My thoughts are feeling very clear and I am finding the ability to focus- I have been reading a lot. Emotions are passing through intensely and quickly. Once moment I am feeling extreme joy, and the next I might be crying out of deep sadness, or feeling like I'm going to have a panic attack. My left eye seems to have relaxed, and yesterday I felt a little twitching in my right eye. I am not noticing any improvement in the condition of my feet and toenails.

Exercise:
20- 1.25 hours bike riding, 1 hour walking
21- 3 hours hiking/walking

Self Care:
20- farmers market, massage, time with friends, hot tub and sauna, being in the park
21- hiking, time with friends

Meditation:
20- 10 minutes upon waking
21- 20 minutes upon waking

Bowels:
20- Exciting news!! I had 2 (small) bowel movements without the use of an enema! I actually had 3 on day 19!! I decided that as long as that continues I will decrease the enemas to every few days.
21- did an enema in the morning and had a good release.

Musings:
Hmmm...is there anything I want to add...Basically, I am really loving being on this feast! I am a little conflicted about the choice I have made to end it after 30 days, though it really seems like the appropriate thing to do before leaving for TOL. And speaking of my upcoming move- yikes! It has really just begun to sink in that I am leaving here in less than 3 weeks and I kinda have a lot to take care of in that time. I set up a session with Pamela tomorrow, who is going to hold space for me while I create a plan for what needs to happen and how it might get done. It's funny, because I have always been very good at being organized and accomplishing tasks. Since I've been raw, and particularly since I've been cleansing, I have leaned more and more into trusting the Universe and witnessing the unfolding- less and less focused on making and completing lists. I realized yesterday that part of the manifestation process is actually putting forth some effort towards what I choose to manifest. So I guess I have my next few weeks cut out for me, and I'm looking on it with a little anxiety- and mostly a feeling of satisfaction that I am preparing to go at what feels like the perfect time to what feels like the perfect place.

I'm back now- back to some routine- and I have a feeling I'll be back to posting daily about how things are going. I like having a place to download, and also I think I will be happy to look back on this later on...

Day 13

2008-03-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

It's pretty late and I am getting on a shuttle tot he airport at 4:50am for Miami, so I'll keep this post short....

Today's Juice:
3 quarts green- celery, romaine, spinach, curly kale, baby bok choy.
1 quart sweet green juice- cuke, mint, apple, pear, radish, sunchoke (mixed this w/ 1q green)
3/4 quart new flavor- apple, carrot, yam, parsley, cilantro, ginger (mixed w/ 1/4 q green)
2 quarts water (one w/ msm and lemon)
2T bee pollen
1T coconut oil

Energy: relaxed and even, kinda low overall

Mood: pleasant

Hunger: nope

Symptoms: my face continues to be broken out in several spots, low energy, vaginal discharge- kinda yogurt-like

Exercise: 40 minutes on my bike, an hour walking in the city

Self Care: Paul practiced some Feldenkrais on me and we hung out, I did a Reiki session on Karen and we hung out, took a bath with scented salts

Meditation: 20 minutes upon waking

Bowels: a bit gassy in the evening, did an enema this evening instead of morning- again mostly liquid w/ little bits of solids

Musings:
I'm all packed for Miami. I'm going for 6 days. My suitcase is very heavy- Vitamix, knife, everything I need for juicing while I'm there- plus some clothes. I was feeling pretty anxious about the trip earlier and now I'm sleepy and ready to go. I'm not sure how much I'll be writing while I'm there...I guess it depends on how amazing the weather is! I'm going for a conference, though I hope it's nice enough to spend all of my spare time in the ocean!

Day 12

2008-03-01T00:12:00.000-08:00

Juice:
8:30am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 3/4 T msm
11:30am 1 cup green mix
12:00pm 1 quart green juice
1:00pm 1 quart water
2:00pm 1 quart red juice, 1 T bee pollen
6:00pm 1 pint red juice
7:30pm 1 t coconut oil, 1 pint red juice
8:00pm 1 quart water w/ 3/4 T msm
9:00pm 1 quart green juice w/ 1 heaping T vitamineral green
11:45pm 1 t bee pollen

Today's Green Mix: it made 2 quarts and 1 pint of delicious juice- 1 1/2 hd. celery, 1 1/2 hd. romaine, 1 bu. dino kale, 1 bu. spinach, 1 hd. baby bok choy

Green Juice: 1 quart plus a cup of green mix plus: 1 cuke, 2/3 bu. mint, 2 fuji apples, 2 radishes, 1 jerusalem artichoke, 1/2 package clover sprouts (this was the best juice ever!)

Red Juice: 1 quart green mix plus: 3 carrots, 1 beet, 1/2 yam, 1 " ginger, 1/2 box sprouts, large handfuls of parsley, cilantro, basil, 2 cloves garlic (I forgot to write it down and I think this was it- I realize I gotta change it up cause it's not that good)

Juicing today was pretty enjoyable. While juicing I listened to an interview with Angela Stokes from shortly after she completed her juice feast last year. It was cool because on the day she did the interview, she mentioned that she was in NYC and she had just returned from speaking at Bonobo's restaurant. I was there that night at her presentation, which was the first raw food lecture I had gone to since going raw, and I'm sure it was the first time I ever heard of juice feasting.

Energy: up and down. I had a lot of energy in the morning and then kinda crashed around 5pm, and then got a second wind and went out to the movies.

Mood: good, even, calm- I had 3 conversations today where in the past I might have gotten frustrated and tried to control things. Instead, in each convo. I actually slowed down and told the other person how I was feeling in the moment, which enabled really awesome connections.

Hunger: none until I was just heading home from the movies at 11:30pm. I am not sure whether the hunger was physical or emotional- that usually means it's emotional though. I ate a t of bee pollen and now I feel fine.

Symptoms: i feel a general sense of fatigue that I've been feeling the past few days on and off- today is the first time I'm really recognizing it as a detox symptom.

Exercise: 40 minutes bike riding, 40 minutes walking

Self Care: I got my legs and bikini waxed in preparation for my trip to Miami, I bought some new underwear, and I went to the movies with Day.

Meditation: 25 minutes upon waking

Bowels: enema this morning which was mostly liquid, and felt simple and satisfying, and a little bowel movement in the early afternoon that was semi solid.

Musings:

I saw the movie "Juno" tonight and it was really amazing.

I got to practice today recognizing how judgemental I can be, and suspending my judgements long enough to actually connect with myself and the other person I was judging. It was a pretty different and remarkable experience...

I was kinda dreading going in to get waxed today because of all of the preconceived ideas I have about the woman who does the waxing. I go to her because she's amazing at the work, and I've gone to her for years. When I started going I was in a pretty different place in my life, when I used to like to gossip and complain about what was wrong with myself and the world. She would agree with me. We would talk about tv and celebrities, and dieting and so many things that are just not a part of my reality anymore. I still have this idea of her being kind of negative and skeptical of anything positive and new, and depressed and trying to engage me in that kind of conversation.

So today before I went in, I consciously decided that I would not try to tell her or convince her of anything. Instead I would listen to her. Oh- also, she talks and moves so quickly that it really triggers anxiety in me. So I also decided today that I was going to stay at my slow pace, breathe and relax, regardless of her energy.

It ended up being a really fun 2 hours. We somehow got to talking about Eckhart Tolle, and meditation. At the end she actually asked me for recommendations on what kind of juicer to buy! I realize that when I let go of my expectations of who she was and what I thought would happen, it allowed for me to be present. I found myself interested in what she had to say, and also able to share myself without trying to prove anything to her. It was pretty awesome.

Day 11

2008-02-28T23:08:00.000-08:00

Juice:
7:30am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 3/4 T msm
10:00am 1 cup green mix
10:30am 1 quart green juice
11:15am 1T bee pollen, 1 quart water w/ 3/4 T msm
1:10pm 1 quart red juice
2:15pm 1 T coconut oil
4:00pm 1 quart red juice
6:30pm 1 quart water
8:30pm 1 quart green juice w/ 1 T vitamineral green
10:30pm 1/4 t kelp granules, 1 pint water (still drinking, maybe a quart)

Today's Green Mix: (best ever!!) It made 2 quarts and 1 cup- 1 hd. celery, 1 hd. red butter lettuce, 1 bu. yellow chard, 1/2 small hd. napa cabbage, 1/2 bu. beet greens, 1 hd. baby bok choy, 1 bu dandelion greens

Green Juice: (also best ever!!) 1 quart of the green mix plus 1 quart of: 1 cuke, 2/3 bu. mint, 2 red bartlett pears, 1/2 bulb fennel, 3 radishes, 1 piece jerusalem artichoke

Red Juice: 1 quart of the green mix plus 1 quart of: 1/2 yellow heirloom tomato, 3 carrots, 1 beet, 3 stalks green garlic, large handfuls of parsley, basil, cilantro, 1/3 medium yam

Energy: consistent throughout the day- high.

Mood: incredible int he early part of the day- super joyful! It settled down to general happiness as the day went on.

Hunger: no. I even had a point int he afternoon where I had to really encourage myself to keep drinking because I was not hungry.

Symptoms: my right foot is itchy, especially between the toes, and the skin between the toes is peeling- it seems very much like when I used to get athletes foot years ago. (my feet have been healing for a long time, and part of the purpose of the feast is to restore them to excellent health, so this is curious), also my heels are dry and cracking, I generally feel and look vibrant! I am at the same time quite focused and quite spacey

Exercise: 10-15 minutes on the rebounder, taught cooking class so running around the classroom for a few hours

Self Care: I really took it slow this morning and early afternoon. I didn't have to be anywhere today except for cooking class and I allowed myself the time to go as slow as I naturally wanted to.

Meditation: 30 minutes when I woke up. I've been keeping the clock nearby while meditating so I know how long I sit, though not setting an alarm, which I usually do. It's awesome!

Bowels: I released a lot during the enema this morning, almost all liquid though. I did have another small bowel movenent later in the morning which was pretty loose.

Blood Sugar: 88

Musings:
Today was the final day of testing my blood sugar. I know the idea was to do it before the feast, and I didn't. That was mostly because I was afraid to see the results. So I've been testing it every morning before I have any juice. The average is 87. According to the Rainosheks:

We will call this pre pre-diabetic. Your blood sugar is a little high, which is placing an extra burden on your pancreas, and could lead to a compromise of vital organs such as your brain, kidneys, pancreas, and heart in later life which could be prevented by lowering your blood sugar.

Juice Feast: 1 quart of fruit juice each day is possible, but mix in green superfood powders, and drink mid-day.

This is good news I think. I have definitely been having fruit and sweet veg in my juices each day, and every juice has been half greens and celery. In fact, the thought of having straight fruit juice right now sounds way too sweet. Today I was drinking some of the greens and celery juice as I was making the rest and it was SO GOOD! I thought for a minute about adding only one pear instead of the two, and then I added both. One or two- jeez- how incredible that this is the question I am asking these days- and not because I am forcing myself- because that is actually what tastes good to me! Sometimes I have to take a step back and remember where I've been...

5 years ago I was literally addicted to white sugar. I would binge on a box of meringue cookies every night. And when I decided to stop starving myself and start eating again I would eat pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream at a time. I did that on and off for years. I have gone through so many different phases of eating sugar that it's really funny to remember. There was a time when I would buy rolls of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough and eat the whole thing without cooking it. I would buy cakes from grocery stores and eat them in a sitting. When I started to get turned onto whole foods the sugar binges shifted. For a while I ate manna bread, (sprouted wheat bread sweetened with fruit and nuts). It was super dense and I would eat the whole loaf at once. I also got into these muffins called monster muffins which were alternative flours, fruit juice sweetened, with malt sweetened chips. For a while I ate 3-6 of those a day. For a while I would buy the packaged mochi and eat that with almond butter, honey and apples. After I had been eating macrobiotic for a few years, I was traveling in Europe and Asia. I pretty much let many of my healthier habits drift away and I went sugar crazy. I had to try every candy bar that existed in every country, and every Indian sweet plus tons of chai. In Japan and Korea it was all about the mochi treats filled with bean paste or ice cream. There were also time periods at home when I would eat several candy bars a day- kit kats, hershey bars, 100 grand. And little Debbie snack cakes. I remember being in Kauai and driving from one side of the island to the other, (like 3 hours), just to get shave ice because the one place on the side of the island I was staying at was closed. And while I was on weight watchers I would eat these disgusting sugar free candies just because they tasted sweet and were 'low points'. And that reminds me of all the hard candies I would eat. For a while I pretty much always had some kind of sugar free hard candy in my mouth. I would buy them by the huge bag at Walgreens. And I know there was tons more. Phew.

The climax of my sugar story happened when I was in culinary school. I went to a whole foods school, so the sugar we used was mostly maple, brown rice syrup, agave...no white sugar, yet still...We had a 2 week section of baking and pastry classes. This was all about breads, cakes, cookies, pies, tarts, etc. Everyone in the class above us warned us that we should be crazy by the end from all of the sugar and wheat, and I was pretty concerned. At that time, I had been eating some sugar here and there, and mostly staying away from it because I had realized the major effects on my mood. At first I really didn't eat much of the stuff we were making. Then we got to the cookies and I couldn't resist. I kinda figured that I had to learn the hard way, and I did. I spent about a week eating every sugary thing we made. I wasn't able to sleep at night. I was having a harder and harder time concentrating in class. I was edgy and snapping at my classmates. One day we each made a cake, and the next day we iced them. I made a ginger cake with buttercream frosting. During the cake decorating process I was eating the bits of cake that I had shaved off to level my cake. As I was icing I was having a terrible time concentrating and my hands were totally shaky. I got into arguments with two people over the silliest things. Then we each presented our cakes to the rest of the class. I took the knife out of the hot water that it was in and went to wipe it with a towel before cutting my cake, only I didn't have a towel in my hand, and I cut myself across all 4 fingers. As a friend was helping me bandage my hand I just broke down crying. It was that moment that I really got it that I had a sugar addiction and that it had to stop. Funny thing though, I went home that day with at least 5 pieces of various cakes and proceeded to eat them all that night. When I woke up the next morning I took the lid to the cake box and wrote a declaration that said something like this:

My name is Flan, (it was at the time), and I am a sugar addict.
Just for today I will not eat sugar.

And that was it. I still eat sweet things. I eat fruit daily. I use agave, lucuma, honey on and off. The past couple months I've had fruit in my green smoothies and an occasional dessert at Cafe Gratitude and that's about it. So the fact that my blood sugar is stable around 87 is really good news to me! And remembering all of that as I write it here is intense. I have come a long way with all of that. And the coolest part is that I eat what I want. I don't restrict myself. I have actually come to a place in my life where I really, truly, don't want to eat any of that crap. I love my life. I love the way I feel. I love the way my body works. And I am so glad to be free of that addiction.

Day 10

2008-02-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Juice:
7:30am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 3/4 T msm
10:30am 1 quart green juice
11:30am 1 quart water w/ 3/4 T msm
1:00pm 1 quart red juice
2:00pm 1 T bee pollen
3:30pm 1 pint coconut water w/ E3 Live
5:30pm 1 quart green juice w/ 1 T vitamineral green, 1/2 T coconut oil, 1/4 t kelp
7:30pm 1 quart water
8:00pm 1/2 T coconut oil

Today's Green Mix: about 2 quarts juice made from: 1 hd. celery, 1/2 hd. romaine, 1 bu. red russian kale, 1 bu. spinach, 1/2 bu. beet greens, 1 bu. radish greens, a couple leaves baby bok choy (man- that's really a lot of greens if you think about it!)

Green Juice: 1 quart green mix plus 1 quart: 1 cuke, 1/2 bu. mint, 2 cara cara navels, 1 navel, 1/2 bulb fennel, 1/2 watermelon daikon, 1 piece jerusalem artichoke (I was in the mood for citrus, though in the end I prefer apples or pears instead with this type of juice)

Red Juice: 1 quart green mix plus 1 quart: 1/2 large heirloom tomato, 2 carrots, 1 beet, 1 green garlic, handfuls of parsley and cilantro, 1" piece of ginger, 1/3 medium garnet yam, 1/2 meyer lemon, 1/2 package clover sprouts, a few napa cabbage leaves (this was a little too sweet today- next time, more garlic and herbs, less sweet veg.)

Juicing today was interesting. I deviated a little from teh combos I had been making the last few days and I didn't really enjoy the juices as much. I'm really noticing that I am liking the straight green mix more and more, and that I desire less fruit and sweet veg. It's weird to be at the store buying more produce and not buying more fruit. And even though I like the taste of the green mix on it's own, I hesitate for a moment each morning, and then add the sweet juice in. I guess I am on the verge of being ready to let go of some of the sweet juice. It's cool to hover here. Maybe I will go the next step...maybe not. I'm really more interested in my process than the actual action at this point.

Energy: up and down. I definitely took a dip this afternoon. Riding my bike home from Rainbow felt tiring, and when I got home all I wanted to do was crawl in bed and watch a movie. As it turned out, I ended up drinking a juice and doing a few other pretty mellow things, like talking to my mom on the phone, washing my dishes, cruising around online, cleaning up my apartment. Now it's 9:30 and I'm feeling a little less tired- though still looking forward to bed and a movie when I'm done writing.

Mood: generally even and happy. I had 4 great conversations with different people today and felt cheerful and energetic during each one. It was also the most beautiful, sunshiny day here and it felt so nice to be riding around in the spring-like weather.

There were also a few moments where I felt discouraged.

Hunger: I was hungry this afternoon at some point. I think it was between 4 and 5. Then I came home and had a juice with greens and coconut oil and kelp.

Symptoms: the few blemishes are still there on my face and in my ear, though no new ones, I am really beginning to notice that I look vibrant- particularly my eyes, my interactions with people have been pretty easy the last couple days, my voice is resonating more and I am enjoying the vibration of hearing myself talk, I'm not feeling particularly bloated or gassy, I'm a little clumsy and slow moving...

Exercise: rode my bike 1.5 hours, headstand this morning

Self Care: really, it's all self care these days...great conversation with Karen, went to Gratitude for juice and connection and I'm gonna watch a movie, also I "washed" my hair with water

Meditation: 30 minutes this morning

Bowels: great enema this morning, lots was released, very dark liquid and some solid matter

Blood Sugar: 89

Musings:
I am thoroughly enjoying doing less and less each day, and allowing myself to really take it easy. My morning routine seems to take anywhere between 2 and 4 hours and I have been creating the space for that to occur. I feel so lucky! That means I really have no reason to rush, and I love that. Even still, I find myself in certain moments feeling that I should get the juice made quicker, or get moving. I will be going along slow and steady, and then I'll catch myself in a moment of panic, like I forgot about something important. I think it is residue from the lifetime I spent as an anxious person.

I am extremely grateful that I am learning to live in a slow, calm, ease filled way. I believe it is my true nature to go super slow. I remember as a child that I was always the last one at the dinner table. My mom would be washing the dishes, everyone else would be gone, and I would be sitting at the table finishing my meal. I think that I wanted to move slowly and deliberately in most of my actions as a kid, and somehow I learned that it was better to be faster. So I expended my energy training myself to move faster, speak faster, think faster. On the outside I got pretty good at it so that I could "pass" as a quick person. On the inside though, it really caused a lot of anxiety to spend all of my time going against my natural pace of living. I have spent a lot of time over the past couple years really slowing back down. And each time I find a new level of slowness, I feel a huge sense of relief and release which is deeply, deeply satisfying in my core...so much to be grateful for...

Day 9

2008-02-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Juice:
7:30am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 3/4 T msm
9:00am 1 quart green juice
11:30am 1 quart red juice
12:30pm 1 quart water w/ 3/4 T msm, 1 T bee pollen
3:00pm 1 quart green juice w/ 1 T chlorella and 1 T spirulina, 1/2 t kelp powder
4:00pm 1 T coconut oil
4:30pm 1 pint water, 1 t bee pollen
6:00pm 1 cup water
8:30pm 1 quart red juice

Today's Green Mix: 1 hd. celery, 1 head red leaf lettuce, 1 bu. spinach, 1/2 hd. napa cabbage, 1/2 bu. beet greens, 1/2 bu. carrot greens, 1/3 bu. dandelion greens.

Green Juice: a quart of the green mix plus: 1 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 2 fuji apples, 1/2 watermelon daikon, 1 piece jerusalem artichoke.

Red Juice: a quart of the green mix plus: 2 cluster tomatoes, 2 carrots, 2 beets, handfuls of parsley, basil, cilantro, dill, 1/3 red bell pepper, 1" ginger, 1/4 medium yam.

Energy: up and down- I was feeling pretty lethargic this afternoon, and I am also feeling pretty tired now. Riding home tonight felt like work!

Mood: pretty good- I had a couple of particularly nice moments, no really low ones.

Hunger: this afternoon I was feeling pretty hungry at one point, also tonight I stopped at the store on my way home to pick up a few items and I was definitely feeling hungry. (not sure how much is physical and how much is emotional though)

Symptoms: during my chiropractic session this morning I got a pretty bad headache for a few minutes across my forehead, the twitching eye seems to have stopped, I still have a blemish below my mouth on the right side, and in my right ear, and now there is one on top of my nose, I noticed today that I have lost weight- I put on a pair of pants that were tight for a while and they fit better, moments of extreme relaxation and moments of absolute contentment.

Exercise: about an hour and a half riding my bike.

Self Care: Eric the magical chiropractor, chilling out at home this afternoon because I didn't feel like running around.

Meditation: during my chiropractic session

Bowels: Hallelujah! I actually had two tiny bowel movements today!! Solid matter actually came out of me and I did not do an enema this morning! It was just a little, and I was very happy about it! I don't think I will do an enema until tomorrow because I am super tired and I just want to get into bed.

Blood Sugar: forgot to test first thing so I tested after drinking half of the green juice- 120!

Musings:
First let me say that I have had so many thoughts, feelings, ideas etc lately that I could probably fill a book! That said, here is something that happened today...

I had a pretty profound chiropractic session. First, a little background...Eric, my chiropractor, is nothing short of amazing. He's also my Reiki master and he combines various energetic practices with traditional chiropractic methods. What I love is that he is incredible at tuning into whatever spots on the body are calling for the most attention, and touching them in the most confident, safe and caring way which enables stored or stuck energy to be released with ease. He also works on 5 or 6 people simultaneously, so you lay on one table, and he rotates around the room, working for a few minutes at a time on one person or another. After he comes to adjust you, he walks away and you have time to incorporate whatever he did as he works on other folks. It's awesome to be in a room where so much healing is happening, and so many different energies are coming together.

So, today, the moment I hit the table I began to fall into a pretty deep state of relaxation. I was feeling really forgiving of myself and the world today, and also pretty tired, (even though it was 10am). My mind wasn't so tired, it was more my body. So I began to unwind, unravel. Many things happened. I found that several times my mind completely left the room and it felt like I do sometimes when I'm meditating...like I was nowhere...of course the only way that I knew this was happening was after the fact when I would suddenly startle and find myself back in the room. Another thing that happened was that I got a pretty intense headache in my forehead, which lasted a few minutes. I sometimes feel pressure on the left side, and today it was on both sides- maybe more on the right. For a minute I considered the idea that my head might actually explode. In the midst of the headache, I started to drift off again into the meditative state, and I got a message that I needed to "Let the light in through the crown chakra". I began to visualize the top of my head opening up, and me standing up with my arms reaching up, sort of ushering in the light- which was bright yellow sunlight, coming in through the top of my head and lighting up my whole spine. Immediately my headache went away. Then I moved down to the third eye and invited the light to come there. I imagined releasing all tension from that spot and as the yellow light hit that area, there was also a violet light that was illuminated in the 6th chakra. I continued down to the 5th and the 4th. When I got to the 4th, (the heart chakra), I had a vision of my chest actually opening up and my anatomical heart being exposed. There was some kind of hole in it, and I was having some kind of revelation about noticing it. It's so weird to explain now because it was all sort of like a vision or a dream. As the light poured in, I felt my heart being both opened and healed at the same time.

As all of this was happening I began to have a revelation. Bear with me as I try to describe it...I was aware that this light that was coming in was Universal energy, God energy- whatever you choose to call it. For years I have been fully in acceptance, (in my mind), of the idea that Universal energy/God is real- it's what everything is made of, it's what I am, and we have access to it at all times. And yet, there is a huge part of me that still operates under the ideas of good/bad, right/wrong, better/worse. And somewhere underneath everything else I believe, I realized that I am holding a belief that God, my teachers, and wise people everywhere are the ones who know the TRUTH and "They" are the ones who can show me how to "get There" (you know, to enlightenment, peace). This has caused me to stand in judgement of anyone who is not telling the "Truth", be that their own truth- like how how they are really feeling or what they are really thinking in a given moment. I have also judged people for whatever they are doing, saying, thinking that does not stack up to my ideas of what is good or right or true. Granted, I have grown more tolerant of various perspectives and ways of being over time, though underneath my tolerance, I still have judgement. And of course, the person I judge the most is myself.

So what I began to get a sense of today, while lying there on the table and inviting in this light, in that room with all of the other people accepting healing, and Eric inviting in the healing energy- what I began to get in a newer, bigger way, was that/is that everyone really is God. Everyone really is my teacher. Each of us really, truly are the energy of the Universe. There is no figure somewhere that is holding the answers- there is no Heaven or Hell anywhere else besides what exists here, now. Noone knows the answers because there are no answers. Everyone has the capacity to invite in the light- WE ARE THE LIGHT! We just spend so much of our lives attempting to keep ourselves in the dark.

This feels particularly significant. I have personally spent so much time and energy seeking others to tell me how to live. First it was my parents...my teachers...my friends...various gurus...all kinds of workshops, schools, books, films, mantras, practices, etc. I did the whole classic Siddartha/Alchemist journey of literally of traveling around the world seeking the answers that I knew intellectually were right here all along. And now I am beginning to understand it in my body, in a new way.

Day 8

2008-02-25T22:41:00.000-08:00

Juice:
9:00am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 3/4 T msm powder
11:30am 1 quart and one pint green juice plus maybe 1/2 cup of greens mix
1:30pm 1 pint coconut water w/ E3 Live, 1 pint water
3:30pm 1 quart red juice
5:00pm 1 quart water w/msm
5:30pm 1 pint green juice w/ 1T vitamineral green, 1 cup water
9:00pm 1 pint green juice w/ 1T vitamineral green
10:30pm 1 quart red juice

Today's Green Mix: 1 hd. celery, 1 hd romaine, 1 bu. spinach, 1 bu. yellow chard, 1/2 bu. carrot tops, 1/3 bu. dandelion greens- this made maybe 2 quarts and 2 cups worth

Green Juice: 1 quart plus 1 cup green mix plus 1 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 1 bartlett pear, 1 asian pear, 1/2 bulb fennel, 2 radishes, 1 herusalem artichoke- sweet and delicious!

Red Juice: 1 quart plus 1 cup green mix plus 4 cluster tomatoes, 4 carrots, 2 small beets, 2 cloves garlic, small handfuls of parsley, cilantro, dill, basil, handful of alfalfa sprouts, pinch of himalayan salt- unusual taste...sweet, salty, garlicky- pretty yummy.

Energy: pretty even.

Mood: cheerful.

Hunger: nope.

Symptoms: mucus in my mouth this morning- I had to keep spitting it into the sink (yeah, a little gross), I think my eye was still twitching a little, I have a zit on my face- on the right side below my mouth, and the one in my right hear is still there, also maybe I bit my lip or something because there's a sore spot on the inside of my mouth...I'm noticing all of these are occurring in my head area...

Exercise: 40 minutes bike riding, 20 minutes walking.

Self Care: seaweed and sea salt bath this morning, really took my time with all of my morning stuff too since I had the day completely free, also I bought a bathing suit for my trip to Miami.

Meditation: 30 minutes upon waking.

Bowels: I did an enema after the bath, mostly liquid came out which was very dark brown in color and smelled a littel yucky. Otherwise, nothing. I've been less gassy though.

Blood Sugar: 87

Musings:
Somehow it is really confusing today to try and remember exactly how much I drank and when. I think I got it mostly correct. I know when I was making juice this morning I made maybe a cup over 2 quarts of the green mix, and after I poured it into the jars, I began drinking it right away as I was making the rest of the juice. This was the first time I was pretty into the taste of the green mix, without adding any other fruit or sweet veg, and I was completely surprised that I was drinking it. I've been pretty into the way I've been making the juices- making about 2 quarts of celery and leafy greens, and then splitting that between the 4 containers, and adding one more savory and one more sweet combo to 2 each of the jars. Though if I keep getting happy about the green mix itself, maybe I'll need to make more of that, and less of the other mixes. That seems appropriate for how a lot of things in my life have been. Once I begin to get used to something, once it begins to get a little easier, then it's time to change it again.

I stopped into Cafe Gratitude today after a not so fun experience attempting to buy a bathing suit. I figured I needed to pick myself up with some good connection and a little E3 Live in coconut water. It worked! I ended up meeting this awesome woman who I got into a great conversation with. It felt so good to be connecting so effortlessly with someone brand new, who just happened to be sitting next to me. I got her contact info, though I'm not sure if I'll get in touch. That's been happening a lot lately. I've been meeting a lot of cool people, getting their info, and not contacting them. I'm not exactly sure why I don't want to hang out with them. I've just really been getting a lot of satisfaction out of spending time alone lately. So generally, when I feel like connecting with other folks, I go out somewhere like Gratitude or Rainbow, or the Farmers Market, and meet someone. And that's really enough. I don't so much want to extend those interactions into making future plans. This is really a new way of being for me, and it's interesting. Part of me wonders if I'm okay, or a little crazy, for wanting to be by myself. I guess that's because it's not the norm. And also, I've been s pretty social person throughout my adult life so far.

At this moment, I'm pretty content overall. I feel grateful for that, for a sense of peace.

Day 7

2008-02-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

Juice:
7:00am 1 quart water w/ 1/2T msm and 1/2 lemon
9:00am 1 quart green juice
11:00am 1 quart water
12:00pm 1 quart brown juice
1:30pm 1 quart water w/ msm, 1T bee pollen
3:30pm 1 quart brown juice
6:30pm 1 quart and almost a pint green juice w/ 2T vitamineral green
7:00pm 1t coconut oil
7:30pm 1 pint water

Today's Greens Mix: made 2 quarts- 1 hd. celery, 1 hd. romaine, 1 bu. spinach, 1 bu carrot tops, 1/2 bu. radish tops, 1/3 bu. dandelion greens (this was good on it's own!)

Green Juice: 1 quart greens mix plus 1 pineapple, 1 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 1 asian pear, 2 cara cara navels, 1/2 lemon (a little too sweet)

Brown Juice: 1 quart greens mix plus 2 radishes, 1 cuke, 4 carrots, 1 box clover sprouts, 1" piece ginger, 1 fuji apple

Juicing: It took about an hour and 15 minutes, maybe less. This was the first day I tried new juices. I wasn't in the mood for a tomato-garlic- savory juice, I really wanted them both to be a little sweet. This was also the first day I enjoyed the green juice on it's own- it was pretty watery though- no super bitter greens except the dandelion.

Energy: quite high in the morning! I led a health food store tour and it was awesome. I was focused and I didn't get tired out as I often do towards the end. Later, riding my bike both to and from the movies I felt pretty tired. It was also windy and rainy which I wasn't really enjoying. Right now I feel like I could go to sleep soon.

Mood: This morning I was very happy, I had a few moments of extreme anxiety which passed quickly, and most of the day has been even.

Hunger: not so much- I did have a feeling of disappointment when I came home from the movies around 6 and sorta longed for a warm, grounding meal. This felt more like a craving than actual hunger.

Symptoms: a few twitches of the left eyelid earlier, a little achy in my back.

Exercise: 1.75 hrs. biking

Self Care: went to see "Brokeback Mountain" at the Castro, great convo with Karen

Meditation: not yet- I'm planning to sit after I'm done writing this.

Bowels: I had a fantastic enema experience this morning- lots of solids that were super dark and kind of stringy, also lots of dark liquid, and it smelled kinda gross.

Blood Sugar: 88

Musings:
1/4 of the way to 30 days! In moments I think it's a bummer that I don't have the opportunity to do a 92 day feast at this time. And in other moments I think I'm nuts for jumping into this at all. In the moments of anxiety I am gripped by the idea that there is major transformation happening and there's no turning back. In other moments I can't imagine why I wouldn't want that?!

And I am noticing that I am alone a lot, and that I generally like it, though I can also feel lonely at times. I am wondering how my life will change when I go to Tree of Life and live so closely amongst others. Will I be able and ready and happy to open my heart and let others in? It's interesting because I am at a place with myself lately that feels satisfying and comfortable. I am content for the most part to spend a lot of my day going slow, taking care of myself, moving at a pace that feels deliberate and relaxing. I know that being with others may mean letting go of my own rhythm a little. I'd like to explore how to stay completely in my rhythm, and at the same time connect to the rhythms of others around me.

Love the Water

2008-02-24T14:15:00.000-08:00

I must admit that consuming enough water to stay hydrated is something I rarely find myself doing. This has been the case for as long as I can remember. It's not that I dislike it, it's just that I have no particular desire for it, and unless I'm really focused on making it a priority, I generally skip the water. My diet lately, (prior to the juice feast), consists mainly of smoothies, green soups, salads and fruits- so I tried to convince myself that I am getting all the water I need through these watery foods. Though, to be honest, I have known for a long time that it's not true. The clues that I could benefit from more water are:

1. I am dry, dry, dry- skin, hair, nails, cracked and calloused heels, thickened brittle toenails. itchy scalp...pretty much everywhere is dry.

2. I usually have no more than 2 bowel movements a day- often just one. And now, on the feast, I am not having any outside of when I do an enema.

3. Depression and anxiety- I have experienced both of these emotions in excess for much of my life. Of course, they have decreased significantly with all of the changes in my diet and lifestyle over the past few years. And lately as I am cleansing, they are both appearing more and more.

Even this past week on the feast I believe I have not had enough water. I have had a quart each morning, first thing, and most days that's it.

NO MORE!!!

I am right now making a declaration to drink 3 quarts of water each day for the rest of the juice feast! My fantasy about this is that it will clear up the symptoms listed above and that I will love drinking water so much that I will not be able to live without large quantities again.

The first step to loving water has already happened. I just finished my third quart today, with some MSM powder in it. I started to chew it, and swish it around in my mouth, and for the first time ever I actually got kind of into the taste and feel of it. It was kind of slippery and a little metallic tasting...and it was good!

Day 6

2008-02-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

Juice:
5:00am 1 quart water with 1/2 lemon and 1/2T MSM powder
5:30am 1/2 cup root juice, 1/2 cup green juice
6:00am 1 quart root juice
9:00am 1T bee pollen, 1t coconut oil
10:00am 1 quart green juice
12:00pm 1 quart root juice
4:30pm 1 quart green juice with 1 heaping T vitamineral green and 1t maca powder

Today's Green Mix: 1 hd. celery, 1 hd. romaine, 1 bu. dino kale, 1 bu. spinach, 1/2 bu. yellow chard, 1 hd. baby bok choy. This made 2 quarts of juice.

Today's Green Juice: 1 quart green mix plus 1 1/3 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 1 asian pear, 1 red bartlett pear, 1 navel orange, 1/3 fennel bulb, 2 radishes, 2 jerusalem artichokes

Today's Root Juice: 1 quart green mix plus 4 cluster tomatoes, 1 small zucchini, 3 big carrots, 1 chioga beet, 4 stalks green garlic, 1/4 bu. parsley, dill cilantro, basil, 1/4 yellow bell pepper.

Juicing Today took about an hour and 15 minutes. I am definitely getting faster. And I have been pretty good at making the amount of juice I am going for. I would still like to simplify- less ingredients seem like a more digestible idea. I just have to determine what those will be...

Energy: fairly even, a little tired.

Mood: also fairly even- up and down a little, though mostly calm.

Hunger: I felt hungry mid afternoon for the first time since I've been on this feast. I also feel a little hungry now.

Symptoms: some kind of irritated pimple in my ear, a couple twitches of my left lower eyelid, feeling dizzy a couple times when standing up quickly, right now I feel gassy/stopped up- like some gas wants to be released and can't get out, a little achy in my sides and back, earlier my teeth were feeling really coated- that got better after brushing them.

Exercise: 25 minutes on the rebounder, a headstand for 4 minutes

Self Care: long phone convo with Sean, thinking about a bath, watched part of a movie

Meditation: none so far

Bowels: did an enema at 9am, a lot of dark brown liquid came out, no solids. Ever since I finished the last juice with green powder and maca I have been feeling a little bloated and wish I could go to the bathroom.

Blood Sugar: 93 at 4:30am

Musings:

Today I had 7 hours of phone counseling sessions with students from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I do this once a month and today was the smoothest it's been so far. My energy lasted easily throughout the day, and I was even able to make juice before the sessions began at 6am, and do an enema during my break. I also had one no show so I was able to read a little and begin watching a movie. I was supposed to go to the Chinese New Year parade with Chris, who I met at Thanksgiving and haven't seen since. The weather is pretty awful here so we decided not to go, and since he lives in Santa Rosa we decided to postpone our date. I'm happy about that because I am really content to chill out here. Something happens to me on those counseling days. I just spend so much of the day listening to people talk that I tend to not want to engage with others so much after. Although, I did talk to Sean for a long time and that was fun.

I am feeling somewhat low on the motivation to do much right now. I think I will take a bath, watch the rest of that movie, and go to bed. It's nice having so much energy on this feast, though it sounds really yummy to crawl into bed and sleep a long time during this rainstorm. I guess if I can't fall asleep I can do Reiki on myself and meditate.

I really like spending time by myself when there is nothing pressing that I have to do. I feel grateful for the opportunity to go slow, make juice, and relax. I am also grateful that I have the private space to live in where I can do enemas and naked headstands, and spend all day in my pajamas. I may miss this when I am living in a dorm room.

Juice Feast- Day 5

2008-02-22T22:21:00.000-08:00

Juice:

9:00am 1 quart water w/ 1/2 lemon and 1/2T MSM powder
11:30am 1 quart plus 1 cup green juice
4:00pm 1 cup coconut water w/ E3 Live
4:45pm 1 quart red juice
7:00pm 1T bee pollen, 1t coconut oil, 1 quart green juice
8:30pm 1 quart red juice

Today's greens mix: 1/2 bu. watercress, 1/2 hd. romaine, 1 bu. spinach, 1 hd. baby bok choy, 1 hd. celery

Today's Green Juice: 1 quart greens mix plus 1 quart and 1 cup- 1 1/3 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 1 grapefruit, 2 cara cara navels, 1 fuji apple

Today's Red Juice: 1 quart greens mix plus 1 quart- 2 small tomatoes, 1 patty pan squash, 2 stalks green garlic, 4 carrots, 1 small beet, 1/4 bu. cilantro, a few napa cabbage leaves, a few soaked sundried tomatoes

Energy: high and steady

Mood: cheerful and mellow

Hunger: nope

Symptoms: left eye twitching most of the day, half hour to an hour of pretty intense anxiety/panic in the morning, woke up with a sore throat that went away immediately, a little pimple or something in my right ear that feels irritated when touched

Exercise: rode my bike 1.25 hrs.

Self Care: craniosacral/psychic session with Angel- maybe the best I've ever felt during and after a bodywork session ever! Also, went to rainbow, cleaned out the fridge and cleaned up apt/did laundry. And Ian came over tonight and we hung out and chatted which was nice. I lit all the candles.

Meditation: A whopping 40 (or 50-not sure) minutes- longest in a long time. I befriended a rat that holds my pain, and a tarantula that holds my fear- or maybe the other way around- I should have written it down then because it seemed really profound at the time- something about me not having to shoulder the burden of fear and pain- like I'm allowed to let them go.

Bowels: good enema this morning, first time I did not spill any water on the floor, a lot was released, (though not as much as the other night), otherwise I haven't pooped at all- I'm wondering what the best course of action is to help things move naturally.

Blood Sugar: 86

Musings:
This morning during the enema I had a rather profound experience. I was really connecting to the value of total relaxation, trusting the body and the universe. I was noticing how much of a desire I have to try and make it come out- force nature, and how using energy in that way is really counter productive. It's not that I haven't experienced that lesson before- yet I had a new experience with seeing how clearly connected that lesson is to the workings of the bowels. When I was able to completely let go of trying to control things with my mind, my body responded immediately. And every moment that I even slightly attempted to control the situation, my body responded to that by constricting itself and preventing anything from flowing out.

I was thinking about how many people in the world have issues with some aspect of their digestion...heartburn, constipation, diarrhea, stomach aches, IBS, chrones disease, candida, colitis, and the list goes on. I bet most people if they are lucky go to the bathroom once a day at best. This is so connected to the idea that stress is what causes inflammation, which is what doctors say is the cause of most, if not all, disease in the body. And that completely makes sense to me. I mean, everyone I know deals with some level of stress on a daily basis. This causes the system to shut down on a certain level, and prevents an even and regular flow of toxins leaving the body through the bowels. Add that to all of the toxins that we take in on a daily basis simply breathing, drinking water, and the way most people eat...yikes.

Also of note today, was what happened at Angel's. I love the way she really takes me in without judgment. I felt comfortable to really share with her how I have been feeling lately, which has been pretty amazing. I really get it that I am shedding some old layers of who I was, to become who I am. On the BART this morning I was feeling like a soft shelled crab- molting, super sensitive, fragile until my new shell grows in. I realize thatsomething I am really looking forward to about the Tree of Life is having a place to be supported while this new shell grows. I love that I will be in a safe space, working in the dirt, in the sunshine, able to meditate and eat amazing live food everyday, connecting with other like-minded people, with opportunities to do spiritual practices in community.

I go to sleep tonight feeling deep gratitude for being alive and for the opportunity to grow and share.

Juice Feast- Day 4

2008-02-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am glad for this long day to be just about over.

Juice:

7:30am 1q water w/ 1/2 lemon and 1/2T msm powder
10:30am 1q green juice
1:00pm 1pint red juice
3:00pm 1 pint red juice
5:30pm 1 quart water with 1/2T msm powder
6:00pm 1 quart green juice w/ 1T vitamineral greens
6:30pm 8oz. coconut water w/ E3 Live
7:00pm 1 pint grapefruit, celery, apple mint juice
11:00pm 1T coconut oil, 1T bee pollen, a few sips red juice

Today's green mixture made 2 quarts which I split between the green and red juices. It contained: 1 hd. celery, 3/4 hd. red romaine, all of the rest of the rapini and other mixed dark leafy greens from the farmers market

Today's green juice contained 1 quart of the green mixture plus: 1 1/3 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 2 small asian pears, 1 fuji apple, 3 radishes, 1 pieces of jerusalem artichoke, 1 meyer lemon, 1/3 fennel bulb.

Today's red juice contained 1 quart of the green mixture plus: 1 small tomato, 1 yellow squash, 4 green garlic stems, 1 small piece burdock root, 3 carrots, handfuls of parsley, basil, dill, cilantro, 1/3 yellow bell pepper, 1 beet, 2 broccoli crowns.

I think I was feeling some detox symptoms today. I have had a minor headache on and off since last night. I have felt kinda tired at different points today. And I have been feeling a little achy in my body.

The red juice was not that good- too rooty tasting. I think I want to simplify. I like having one juice that tastes more sweet and another that is more savory. I'm thinking carrot, celery, greens, tomato, garlic. Tomorrow I'll figure it out based on what produce I have. I am really into the green one though! I do have a pineapple which I will have to use soon.

I tested my blood sugar again and got 86.

I had no bowel movement today, and it's too late and I'm too tired to do an enema again. Maybe I will have to start taking cascara sagrada. They don't have the IMF at Rainbow. I also want to make an appointment for a colonic, and get some B-12.

Making time to fully do everything necessary on this feast is pretty intense. I'm sure I will get used to it soon. At the moment it feels like the honeymoon is over and the next couple days seem a little daunting as far as having time to shop, prepare the juice, do enemas, and prepare for Miami. I know I can do it and that I really want to and will- I just feel super tired at the moment and all I can think about is going to bed.

Other notable things from today:

Exercise: biked 1.5 hours

Self care: chi nei tsang massage from Jada, went to the sauna/hot tub place, had dinner and watched a movie with Day, meditated and pranayama this morning

Mood: sporadic, mostly cheerful, also some sad moments

Energy: pretty low overall, though I did a lot today.

Hunger: I didn't quite drink 4 quarts of juice and dumped almost a quart of red juice. I felt hungry around 5:30 when I hadn't had enough to drink all day, and then I drank almost 2 quarts of various juices in a short time. I've felt pretty gassy since.

It's after midnight now and I'm going to bed.

Addendum to Day 3

2008-02-20T23:41:00.000-08:00

*Warning* The following contains descriptive discussion regarding the bowels- if you think that's gross, you may want to skip this!

I am taking advantage of my lack of readership, to share about the best enema experience ever!

Where to begin...
My afternoon and evening turned out to be pretty satisfying. I jumped on the rebounder while listening to an interview with "The Juiceman", who is 85 years old! Then I drank a quart of juice with Vitamineral Greens and a pint of water with MSM. Then I headed out on my bike to the Reiki Circle at my chiropractor's office. I drank the last quart of juice while everyone else was enjoying the pre-Reiki potluck. There were 26 people there and we split into groups of 6 or 7 to a table. Then we did a round robin healing session, where everyone got to lay on the table for 15 minutes with 10 or 12 hands on them at once. It was awesome! Afterwards I was feeling pretty blissed out and didn't really want to chat with folks, so I skipped out pretty quick and got home around 9:45.

I decided to take a bath and then do an enema, with my new kit. The bath was perfect, relaxing, yummy. I loaded the tub with essential oil scented bath salts and stayed in for 15 minutes. Then I got out and prepared the enema. Filling was no problem. I was feeling super relaxed and was able to really go slow and breathe as I filled up. Then I did a headstand for a few minutes, and a shoulder stand, and some impromptu stretches. I waited to get on the toilet maybe 8 minutes.

At first I was squatting on the toilet seat, massaging my colon, and little bits and spurts began to come out. I kept alternating between sitting, where I was better able to massage certain areas, and squatting, which gave me better leverage. It was okay.

Then I got an idea. I stood up and spontaneously started to do this Yoga exercise that I haven't done in years. I forgot what it's called...maybe agni sara, or something like that. Basically, I leaned over, bending my knees a bit and placed my hands on my lower thighs. Then I completely exhaled everything and held my breath out. Then I used my abdominal muscles to allow my belly to move in and out as many times as I could before taking a breath. I did this exercise three times, and also involved rotating my hips so different parts of my belly were moving all around- it looks like a roll kind of.

After I finished the third time, I immediately had to release. It was, (forgive me), a huge explosion- though a controlled one. I have no idea what the heck came out of me- though I know it was OLD. It lasted at least 30 seconds, maybe more. And I came to realize that that was just a warm up for what was to come. I ended up doing that exercise 3 more times with incredible results each time! I also did some colon massage. And also, I discovered a new sitting position which was amazing. I kinda leaned back on the toilet seat, and raised both legs- one on the doorknob of the bathroom door, and the other on the top of the tub. By the time I was done I felt incredibly cleaned out!! It was really the best at home enema experience I've ever had!

The physical release did feel good, and the reason why it was the best enema experience is this...I took matters into my own hands and found success! I listened to MY BODY and did the enema at night instead of the morning, because that's what felt right to me. I was able to completely relax myself with the bath, and then I took the time to go slow in filling up and in waiting to release. And during the release I was able to really relax and listen to the clear messages that were coming about how to make the most of the experience. I am so blown away by the fact that I remembered to use that Yoga exercise, which I knew years ago was a good way to get things moving in the intestinal tract. Actually, I really had just heard that it was good for that, because it never really worked for me.

Overall, it was probably the clearest experience I have ever had where I really, truly, checked in with my inner wisdom, and saw quick, tangible (ha), results. I have never before felt like I had an experience around anything to do with health that was so true and clear that I could share it and pass on the wisdom to others. Wow...huge..awesome.

Juice Feast- Day 3

2008-02-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

Today's Juice:

8:00am 1q water w/ 1/2 lemon and 1/2T msm powder

9:30am 1q green juice *see ingredients below

10:30am 8oz. young coconut water w/ shot of E3 Live

11:00am 1pt. Cafe Gratitude "I am Bold"- tomato, carrot, garlic, cayenne, celery

12:30-2pm 1pt. I am Bold, and 1q red juice *see ingredients below

Juicing today took a little over an hour. I made a pretty good mess again, though it was a little more organized today. First I juiced about 2 quarts of greens including:

1/2 hd. romaine, huge handful of rapini, 1 bu. spinach, 1/2 bu. red russian kale, 1 hd. baby bok choy, 1/2 bu. watercress, 1 hd. celery

I split this between the 4 quart containers so there was about a pint in each.

For the green juice I added:
1 cuke, 1 bu. mint, 2 1/2 fuji apples, 1/2 watermelon daikon, 1 piece jerusalem artichoke, 1 meyer lemon

For the red juice I added:
3 small tomatoes, 1 patty pan squash, 3 pieces green garlic, 1 piece burdock root, 2 carrots, 2 small beets, handful of parsley-basil-cilantro-dill, 1/2 yellow bell pepper

It's 2 now, and in the fridge I have a quart each more of the green and red juices. I am planning on having them, plus probably some bee pollen, green powder, maybe some hemp oil.

Energy: So far pretty even. I woke up this morning 45 minutes after I had planned to get up. My alarm was set for pm instead of am. That means I slept over 8 hours. I got up right away. After I drank the first quart of green juice I rode over to meet Emily at Gratitude and I was pretty much buzzing. It was similar to the feeling I had yesterday- which actually felt really amazing! I had a challenging time settling down and focusing the first few minutes after I arrived. Then I drank the coconut water with E3 Live and I felt more grounded. Right now I feel a little bit tired. I may actually stay home and rest for the next few hours.

Mood: It has been fluctuating often so far today. When I was riding over to meet Emily I felt absolutely incredible! I felt the juice running through my body- it felt like I could sense it in my veins and I had this sense like I can do anything! Then at Gratitude, I started to feel a little sad. First, it was about Emily. She and I have been friends for a long time, and our lives are so different now that I was feeling pretty disconnected from her and that made me sad. And then I drank like 1/2 a quart of juice from Gratitude and it occurred to me that this juice had bits of tomato peel in it- not strained. This made me feel bummed out- like more than was probably necessary. I felt like I was jeopardizing the feast- just way more drama than seems reasonable, now that I look back on it. I ended up just taking the rest of the juice home and straining it out- no big deal. And now my mood is...nothing special- content, I guess. I have some anxiety. I'm not exactly sure what it's about.

Hunger Level: So far, I have been feeling full and satisfied all day.

Detox: The main thing I am feeling is slightly lethargic. Oh, also I am quite clumsy today. I almost knocked over my bike several times, and I stumbled earlier too. Also, when I got up to go to the bathroom before, my leg was kind of asleep and I had a little trouble walking. And I do feel a little achy in my spine and organs.

Exercise: So far I rode my bike about 45 minutes. I am going to rebound in a bit too.

Self Care: Of course it's all about self care- though what I mean here is what am I certain to do for the sole purpose of taking care of myself? Today I went to meet Emily for breakfast. Tonight I am going to a Reiki Circle at my Reiki master's office.

Enema: I did one this morning and it wasn't ideal. The tip kept coming unscrewed a bit and a lot of water ended up on the floor. I bought a new kit so I can try that one later. And I have decided that enemas seem to work better for me at night. I feel a little conflicted about this because I get the theory of why it's good to do it in the am. I'm thinking I will try to do one tonight, and then see what happens naturally tomorrow morning and the rest of the day. And if necessary, I'll go back to the mornings after that. My main concern, of course, is that all of the toxins have an easy way of leaving my body. I am also going to make an appointment for a colonic- maybe in the middle, and after the cleanse is over.

Blood Sugar: I bought a blood sugar monitor last night. I tried it out last night and was dismayed to see that I was at 109! Then I did it this morning, before having any juice and it was 84. I plan to test it daily in the morning to get an average over 10 days, as is suggested.

Other musings...
Overall, I am quite pleased with being on this juice feast. I feel pretty great in my body, the juice is delicious, I'm not particularly hungry, and I am managing with transporting my juice where I need to go. I love my quart mason jars! I am already feeling way less gassy than I have been lately, and my skin seems to be healing a little already. I am also feeling pretty good about navigating this whole blog thing. I still don't necessarily want anyone to be reading these posts- though I emailed Heidi and Justin and asked them to add me to the list of juice feaster's blogs. I figure it keeps me accountable to at least know that there is some possibility that another person out there could read what I'm writing. My fantasy is that I get more comfortable with posting, and then I get better at streamlining what I am trying to say so that each entry is not sooooo long.

I am also facing a few little challenges. The biggest one is keeping on top of the grocery shopping. I figure I really need to get to the store every other day, mostly because I can't really carry more than 2 days worth of produce on my bike. I just went to the store a couple hours ago and when I got home I took an inventory of everything I have. Right now I have enough produce to make juice for 3 more days- which is actually really great. That means, I can continue to shop every other day, and I will have a one day cushion just in case I can't make it one day. I guess my fantasy is that someone magically delivers each day's produce to my kitchen at 7am each morning...I'll keep fantasizing about that :)

I am also feeling challenged around my meditation practice. I am used to sitting in the morning, though with over 2 hours of activities to do in the morning for the feast, I have skipped the morning sit the past 2 days. Two nights ago I sat before bedtime, which was good. Maybe i can do that- or the enema at night and sit in the morning...not sure exactly, gotta work that out.

Two upcoming events that might be challenging are cooking class next Thursday, and the trip to Miami Beach. Usually, the cooking class is pretty fun and easy for me to do. I teach the class, and tend to bring my own food to eat, and don't eat what they are cooking. Though I do usually taste at least any raw dishes- and next week we are making a green blended soup plus raw chocolate! I wonder if I will feel tempted to eat any of that? I'll keep thinking about that and how to prepare myself for it.

As far as Miami, I am trying to figure out what exactly is the best plan for that. I am there for 6 days. I really think I am going to bring my vitamix, 4 quart containers, a couple nutmilk bags, a knife, plastic chop chop board, and a container to strain the juice into. I figure I can fit all of that into a larger suitcase than I was planning to bring. I found out that there is a Wild Oats within a mile of the hotel I'm staying at. I'm thinking I can walk there everyday and get supplies for the next day. And the walk can be my exercise. I will also bring lots of green powders, bee pollen, and whatever other easy to transport superfoods I might want. I will keep thinking about this too, and hope for the best.

Juice Feast- Day 2

2008-02-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

Today I consumed:

7:30am 1q water with 1/2 lemon

9:00am 1q green juice *see recipe below

10:45am 1q red juice *see recipe below

12:45pm 1pt water with 1t msm powder

1:00pm 1pt green juice w/ 1T vitamineral greens

3:30pm 1pt green juice

4-5:30pm 1q red juice

6:00pm 1 cup licorice tea

7:30pm 1T. bee pollen, 1T aloe gel, 1t coconut oil

8:30pm 1q juice- 3 cara cara navels, 2 stalks celery, 1T chlorella, 1pt water

Today's greens- 1bu spinach, big wad of rapini, big wad of mixed farmer's market greens, 1/2 bu. red russian kale, 1/2 hd romaine, 1 hd celery

I split this evenly between the 4 quart jars.

For the green juice I added:
1 asian pear, 1 navel orange, 1 danjou pear, 1 cuke, 1/2 watermelon daikon, 1 bu mint

For the red juice I added:
5 small tomatoes, 2 small beets, 2 carrots, handful of parsley, cilantro, dill and a few basil leaves, 1/2 small zucchini, 2 stalks green garlic

Details:

Energy: steady throughout the day.

Mood: happy most of the day, with a few moments of feeling a little frustrated.

Hunger level: Really even throughout most of the day, and I was satisfied by everything I consumed. I felt a challenge when I got home tonight around 7:30pm. I had finished the 4 quarts of juice I had made and I wanted to put something in my mouth. I couldn't really tell if I was hungry, or if it was an emotional desire. That was when I ate the bee pollen, aloe, and coconut oil. Then about a half hour later I was really craving eating an orange, (which I have been doing a lot lately). Instead, I made a watery juice with oranges, celery, water and chlorella. I finished drinking that about 45 mintes ago, and now I feel pretty satiated.

Detox: I started to get a headache around 8:30pm. Then I drank the juice and it is pretty much gone now. Otherwise, I feel pretty good- maybe a little more tired than usual, not sure. It's also really rainy here and a little cold and I rode my bike around all day in the rain which tires me out sometimes.

Exercise: bike riding- 1.5 hours

Self care: magical chiropractic adjustment, 1.5 hour amazing massage

I had a noticeably new physical experience today: I drank a quart of juice this morning pretty quickly and then got on my bike. I felt a surge of energy during my 15 minute ride. I felt a lot of energy particularly in my head. It didn't hurt, though I got a little nervous for a moment because the surge made me feel like I was flying a little

I did an enema this morning, though there was not much action. I actually had a really satisfying BM before I did the enema, and then a couple after also. I'm wondering if maybe I should do enemas at night. Also, I finally figured out how to use the plastic tube release on the enema bag. It has been a bummer because Half of the water seems to leak out somehow. Now that I have resolved the technical issue, I imagine that it will be smooth sailing from here on out...I'll keep you posted.

Juicing took about an hour and 15 minutes today. I did it all in the vitamix, which was easier for sure. There is definitely a learning curve to doing this juicing business without making a complete mess, and I am in the early stages! It's funny because I am a trained chef, so any time I make a mess in the kitchen I'm kinda surprised. I busted a hole in my only large sized nut milk bag. That was bound to happen, though I thought I would make it last longer than 2 days!! It was a pretty worn out bag anyway. And I am meeting a friend in the morning at Cafe Gratitude, so I can buy a new bag there- hope they have large ones!

Somehow it's gotten to be 11pm now, and I am really ready for bed. More tomorrow...

Juice Feast Begins!!

2008-02-19T21:37:00.000-08:00

(I actually posted this yesterday on Give it to me Raw, and have copied it here)

Today's juice:

First I made 2Q of green juice which I divided between my 4 quart jars of juice. This was a mixture of red russian kale, romaine, spinach, chickweed, rapini, a few varieties I got at the farmers market and can't remember the names of.

2Q of above listed greens plus 2 pears, 4 navels, 1 apple, 1/2 head celery, 1 cucumber

2Q of above listed greens plus 2 carrots, 1 beet, 2 stems green garlic, 2 lemons, 1/2 apple, 1/2 head celery

The juicing project took about an hour and a half. I used the juicer for the greens and the vitamix for everything else. I mistakenly thought the plan was 2Q greens, and not 2# greens, so I probably did more greens than necessary- though it all tastes sweet enough for me to enjoy.

I have not had any water yet today.

It's 11:45am right now and I am 1/4 way through my second juice.

I have to go to work to see a client this afternoon, and otherwise I get to be home. I plan to do a little reading on the juice feasting website.

Right now I feel pretty excited and hopeful about this experience. Just as I wrote that I looked over and saw a packet of nori sheets and thought...wow, that looks good, maybe I'll have one. Ha!

This should be a really interesting experiment/experience/cleanse.

I will write more later about some of my goals, feelings, etc.

Calling a Truce with the World

2008-02-17T00:03:00.000-08:00

What I ate today:

1Q green smoothie- banana, mango, blueberries, blackberries, bok choy, kale, romaine, hemp seeds, green powder, maca, lucuma

samples of citrus at farmers market

collard wrap with veggies, mock cream cheese, tahini sauce

a few nori sheets

a few olives

a couple bites of sauerkraut

2 fuji apples

a little food at potluck- some green and beet salad, a few bites of other stuff, 3 dates

more citrus- cara cara navel, navel, part of a pommelo

big handful of almonds

Again, it seems like a lot of food. I feel full now, though not stuffed or sick. I feel emotionally bad or wrong for eating so much throughout the day, and specifically for eating late at night when I got home from the potluck. There was something going on in my head saying- well, you're going to be only drinking juice for a month so you better enjoy food now. And the follow up to that is- what, that's so fucked up...you don't want to go into the juice feast with the attitude that you are depriving yourself of something because then when it's over all you will want to do is continue that behavior.

Hmmm...all of that is assuming that my behavior around food is emotional. And one of the reasons I want to do the juice feast is that I believe there is a physical component to the way I eat, my cravings, etc. and that by doing a serious detox I might get to the heart of that physical component. And by getting to the heart I mean that I might make friends with it, and learn to understand it more.

In general, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of fighting with my body, my mind, my parents, my friends, people I don't even know, ideas I read in books or happen to see in films or on posters. I really just want to be how I am, and let everyone else be how they are, and be fucking happy with it all.

If my back wants to be cracked a million times a day- just let it want to be cracked- or crack it- it doesn't really matter either way. If I'm thinner or heavier...so...that's just how I am right now and it's fine. If my parents don't really get me- fine- they never really have and it's worked out okay so far. I mean, I don't really get them either.

So I stay up kinda late most nights and I spend a lot of time online, and I really like to play mah jong on the computer, and I eat too much sometimes, and I feel depressed sometimes lately, and my apartment could be cleaner, and there are dark circles under my eyes, and my heels are dry and cracking, and... Part of me is kind of embarrassed to list all of those things. And shit, I could probably list a lot more. And then I am at this point of feeling like..WHO REALLY FUCKING CARES! (that sounds pretty angry, huh?)

The thing is, I can get angry in some moments about it all- mostly angry at my mind for trying so hard to figure it out. And then in other moments I'm really not angry at all. I'm grateful for my life and for what I have experienced and for who I am and what I know, and who I know, and so many amazing gifts that are available to me all the time- for my health, and for the opportunity to be fully alive.

Sugar-Crack-Nemesis-Teacher

2008-02-13T23:33:00.000-08:00

Today I ate (not exactly in this order):

1 quart green smoothie: apple bananas, mango, blueberries, maca, green powder, bee pollen, hemp seeds, water

1 quart liver lemonade

2 cara cara navels

1 minneola

1 pint green energy soup w/ sea palm

a lot of dried mango

a few bites of raw chocolate

a few sheets of nori

small handful cashews

1 pint or two of water

The good news is that I never really reached the point of being ridiculously stuffed today...at least I don't think I did (can't remember anyway). I ate the mango while prepping for teaching the cooking class. I teach classes at the health food store that I worked as a cook in for two years. During the time that I worked there I used to binge eat chocolate covered cherries and dried mango on a daily basis. There's something that happens to me when I go back there to teach that encourages me to participate in that old habit behavior. Maybe I get nervous before the class. It's also something about all that food being available to me that makes me want to eat it- and it's definitely the sugar that I want!

Part of the reason that I want to go on this juice feast is to have a break from sugar. I've been having a really sweet green smoothie everyday for over a month. I have also had raw chocolate with agave several times lately, and afterwards, I tend to really want more sugar. I definitely fear that I have a sugar thing...it's even hard for me to say...pre-diabetic. I know many people would say that is ridiculous, because it's been years since I've had white sugar, and the past year I've been eating only raw, organic, vegan food. And then there is the other camp of folks who would look at my diet in disgust because I eat SO MUCH sweet fruit, dried fruit, quite a bit of fat- I have this history of overeating and binge eating, and such a long history of addiction to alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, and sugar- depression, mood swings, panic attacks, yeast and parasites- everything that says sugar is really not good for me.

And I have known intuitively for a loooong time that I could be truly free of the sugar addiction, and that all of my lingering health concerns would clear up. Wow- just to say that seems like it's crazy for me not to let it go, (the sugar). And at the same time, in the back of my mind right now I am thinking...what can I go get to eat right now that is sweet...do I want a tangerine...do I have any other sweet food in the house???

So...I know that I am on a healing journey and that I have come a really long way thus far. My journey has not happened like to many- where there was one defining moment after which everything makes sense and I have no interest in engaging in my old, destructive ways of being. I mean, sure there have been amazing moments of love, gratitude and clarity...lots of them. And I have absolutely come to adopt many, many diet and lifestyle habits that are SOOO different from past habits, and SOOO amazingly useful!

6 years ago I was a depressed, anxious, alcoholic, smoker, major coffee drinker, girl- starving myself on vegetables and sugar only- to the point where I was yelling or crying at everyone I encountered and I stopped getting my period for a year and a half. I worked 75 hours a week at a job I really didn't want to be in. I hated my family. My friends were people I hung out with in a bar. I watched television all the time, was lamenting over the end of a relationship to a seriously depressed alcoholic. I drove everywhere in my car. All I wanted to do was eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream, only I wouldn't do it because I was starving myself out of will power to be thin. It sucked!

Writing that all down is pretty astounding. It's hard to believe I was that person. Today it's like this...

I eat 100% raw, vegan, organic or better food. I meditate everyday. I work when I want to as a health counselor, cooking class teacher, caterer. I practice Reiki. I love to make and eat fermented veggies. I have traveled around the world on a spiritual quest. I receive bodywork from the most amazing practitioners several times every week. I have amazingly deep, connected relationships with a LOT of people- friends AND family included. I have no tv, no car...I love to get everywhere on my awesome cruiser bicycle. I make all of my food at home, except for the occasional meal at Gratitude or the farmers market. I am a Burner and LOVE the playa! I have worked in the kitchen at 5 Witchcamps in a row! I recently quit buying new clothes, unless they are made from organic materials in a way that is fair for everyone involved. I recently quit using any products on or in my body that contain anything but natural, organic, plant materials- I even quit using all hair care products. Most importantly though, I have come to a deeper understanding of what life is, what I am doing here in this body. And that is harder to put into words...

So, I'm getting ready to go away to the Tree of Life, to discover more about this spiritual piece- really this time I am going to discover more about myself. Who am I in service? What is my contribution to community? What happens when I really strip away more of the ego? It's not for anyone else's approval this time. I have no plans for afterwards, no particular expectations of what's next.

It does seem to me right now that sugar plays a huge role in all of it though, which is a big reason to go ahead and start the juice feast on Monday. It's like a trial run for TOL. I am looking forward to it.

I'm not Flan anymore

2008-02-12T22:03:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to David Rainoshek- the juice feasting expert. He's talking about Thich Nhat Hanh and Plum Village. He also just mentioned Philip, my friend, who is now a raw food celebrity. I also was standing behind him in the lunch line at the Raw Spirit Festival last fall. At that time, I was curious who this guy was. Now I know, and I'm glad I decided to listen. I'm getting re-interested in the idea of doing a juice feast. I wonder if it's worthwhile to do it for 2 weeks. I am going to Miami on March 2nd and I'm not certain how I would juice during that visit. I'm actually not sure what I'm going to eat at all on that trip. I'm slightly considering the idea of packing my Vitamix and a nut milk bag in my suitcase and juice feasting while there...I gotta find out the scoop about the hotel and where the hf store is, and if I ought to rent a car...

Why juice feast now?
1. Freedom from emotional eating.
2. Weight loss- about 15-20 pounds.
3. Clear up lingering health concerns- dry skin on feet, dry scalp, feeling puffiness in hands, feelings of depression, brittle toenails, dark circles under eyes.
4. Get out any yeast/parasites and assure regular bowel movements.
5. Preparation for my TOL appreticeship.
6. For clarity of mind.
7. I have the opportunity now, since I am alone a lot, and have few commitments- I have the time to shop and juice.

So, what I'm thinking about is whether or not it's reasonable to do it. Looking at my calendar I just marked off 30 days, beginning next Monday. The only day that looks challenging is the day I fly at 7am. Maybe that day I have water most of the day with some superfood supplements. I think what there is for me to do about this is meditate, and see if it's really the best idea for now. Because just thinking about it I am getting kinda excited, and sometimes that's hype- like I have a fantasy about getting disconnected from the emotional eating/binge eating piece- kinda like taking a pill to cure a disease- not that this is a pill, or that I have a disease, I just don't want to get myself caught looking for a quick fix to a "problem". Cause there is no problem to fix! Anyway, meditating is a good idea in general.

I jumped on my trampoline for maybe 20 minutes today and I was pretty into it. I did it while listening to the Immersion teleclass, which was actually kinda fun to listen to in that way. So much of what is said on those calls is great info if what you are doing is creating a health counseling business...and for those of us who aren't, it's not as awesome. So it was definitely enhanced by bouncing with the ear piece in my ear. When I signed up for the Immersion program back last spring, I knew that I wasn't so into building a business. Of course I also thought I would be full time health counseling at Fruition, which has since changed. Now I am finishing up with my few clients and cooking classes and preparing to leave for the Tree of Life in Arizona where I will be working in a garden 5 days a week for 10 weeks. Who knew? SO in some ways, Immersion feels kinda like a drag to have to keep up with. And then, I do love my student clients and I am committed to staying with them through the rest of the year. It's all good. And I am looking forward to seeing everyone in Miami.

On another note, Chris called me again today- the guy I slept in the bed with for 2 nights at the Thanksgiving gathering. We had played a bit of phone tag around the holidays, and then I didn't hear from him until he called last week. At first I didn't care about keeping in touch, and then when we spoke before Christmas I got kinda into the idea of seeing him again. And then he didn't call and I kinda forgot about him, especially with lots of other stuff going on. Now we are playing phone tag again. I'm not sure whether I want to see him or not.

pros- someone to hang out with, make out with, connect with on all kinds of levels. I could use being around someone who will make me feel good. I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday and thinking I want to be around people more.

cons- Not sure if I really like him, or just want to have some companionship. I'm pretty into my own world right now and it will be all shaken up. What about the juice feast?

The truth- I think I'm actually just scared that I will have to come out of my bubble and be present with another human- one who I have been physically intimate with and who got to witness a little bit of my psychosis, (I mean the reality of my issues around sex and intimacy). I'm scared to be present and to be faced with opening my heart a little bit. It's so much easier to complain about what I don't have, than to confront what I do have...

Okay...I'll call him back tomorrow.

I had a revelation today while I was doing a Reiki session on Carin, who is someone who I really love and respect. I loved working with her in a situation where I didn't have to talk, and I got to simple touch her. The revelation was that I want to get to do this more...more healing, less talking- and that I can! It's possible, and in fact, I am doing it. I am going to do distance healing on her mom, and her boyfriend wants me to work on him too. Pretty exciting. And it's mostly exciting because it is coming pretty easily. I mean, ever since I took the Reiki 2 course a few weeks ago, I have been feeling shy to go ahead and practice on anyone. And today, I finally did it and it was awesome. She really got a lot out of the session, and so did I. I felt the pulse of the energy moving through me and I felt her body soaking it up. I do want to practice on anyone who's into it.

The other thing I did today was to write up a menu for my fantasy raw cafe and send it to Carin, who mentioned that there may be an opportunity to make the fantasy a reality. I'm not at all certain that I want to make it real, AND it was pretty cool to write up the menu. Maybe I will have a cafe someday after all. Maybe it will even be with Emily when I'm 40...that's less than 4 years away. Or maybe not. Either way, fantasizing about what I might want is definitely a worthwhile activity.

For some reason I just remembered that Jonah is getting married. I think about that every once in a while. He's my high school boyfriend. He was in love with me for a long time and I pushed him away out of fear. I think I am finally recovering from all of the sadness. I do feel really on the brink of huge life transformation...(of course I have said that before)...(of course it feels different this time).

Qualtities of this transformation:

1. I am looking more and more inside for answers. I realize that some of the things that are making sense to me make absolutely no sense to other people, and that the solutions that work for them seem absolutely ridiculous to me. That is not to say that I am ignoring others, because I am actually spending time reading and listening to people who are talking about topics that interest me. I'm simply only paying attention to those people and topics that really seem to be serving me now, and ignoring the rest for the moment.

2. I have a strong sense that I really can live the life I want to live and it doesn't matter what anyone else has to say about it. Tonight, my mom was asking me to come visit, and I just simply, honestly told her why I think it's better to wait. To my surprise, she totally understood and was really cool about it. I hung up from that conversation without getting upset. That's pretty different than it's been in the past. I also was able to share some difficult feelings with Pamela last night while we were at the movies. She let me know that she is there for me, as a support, and I am pretty grateful for that. I don't know what she thought about the stuff I was sharing, and she didn't try to give me advice or anything. That was pretty cool.

3. I am preparing myself to step into the unknown. I have 6 weeks until I leave for TOL. I am in the process of planning where to leave my things. I am consciously not making many plans for after that 10 weeks. I want to leave my options open. It;s fun to fantasize about various options: being a counselor, opening a cafe, staying at TOL, going to Hawaii, moving back to NYC, writing a book, joining a band, joining a spiritual community, falling in love, getting immersed in new studies, getting some random job in some random town, living in a raw community somewhere, writing a blog that people read, practicing Reiki, practicing Yoga, being a mom, being a farmer, doing retreats with Darsh and Carin and who knows who else...it goes on and on...

4. There is some kind of acceptance of self going on. It's quiet. I won't deny that I have been feeling all kinds of low lately. Right at this moment I feel pretty grateful and happy. I'm not sure that I can put words to it yet, except to say that "I approve of myself", my affirmation from Louise L. Hay. Little, incremental shifts are happening in the direction of really seeing myself, and actually liking what I see. It's kinda slow going. 2 steps forward and 1 step back- or sometimes 1 step forward and 1 step back. And it's coming. And I am feeling more free as a result.

I think I will go and watch a movie now, even though it's kind of late...

Late and Not So Eloquent First Post...

2008-02-12T02:05:00.000-08:00

I am listening to the Beatles. Mark made me a double Beatles primer cd. Somehow I have never owned any Beatles music, and lately I have been really into them- especially John.

I have no idea exactly what I want to do with this Blog- only that I have been having an urge to start one for the last month or so. I have a feeling that I won't tell anyone I'm doing this, at least not for a while...at least until I get a sense of what I want to say that I would want other people to look at.

In general I feel absolutely confused by my thoughts and feelings lately. It seems to be getting more and more challenging. And also, everything seems to be getting easier and easier too. I am barely working. I have very few people that I want to spend time with, and very few activities that I want or need to do. And I have plans to find a place to store my things, and then to go do some gardening in Arizona for the spring.

I watched 'Into the Wild' tonight. It was pretty intense. That dude really got away from society. He was convinced that he really didn't need anything from the civilized world- until he was almost dead, at which point he wrote that Happiness can only be fully experienced when shared with others. I get that lately. I'm lonely.

There are a lot of 'shoulds' running around in my head. I 'should' be sleeping because I may be tired tomorrow, and I might get sick or something. I 'should' exercise more, eat less, be less critical of myself, have a job, be in a relationship, be happy, contribute more to society, vote, reuse my plastic bags, brush my teeth at night more, do better food combining, clean up after myself better, have more friends to hang around with, have at least one plant, look better than I do, feel better than I do, approve of myself all the time, be a better counselor-daughter-friend-sister...fuck.

And then there is the other side- awesome things I'm grateful for.

And really, all there is to do...is meditate.