Checking In

I'm not sure what to write and I want to check in. I've been going to a lot of recovery meetings lately and I tend to feel the same way there about sharing. Everyone has the opportunity to speak there. You get three minutes to say pretty much whatever you want and noone will answer back. It's generally really freeing- though much better if the share is really honest, really whatever is going on for me at that moment. And sometimes it's tough to access the bottom line- the deepest stuff. Sometimes I start talking and completely fumble my words and don't really get to the point. And generally, I am really liking going to the meetings, meeting lots of people who have similar experiences to mine, feeling like I fit into a group where I can have the opportunity to release some of the crazy thoughts in my head and hear some good ideas from other people.

My arms still itch, though I've had a shift in my attitude towards the situation. Somehow, I'm not quite as angry about it anymore. I've completed the scabies treatment. I've been taking my Chinese herbs. The acupuncturist believes there has been some improvement. I went to see a holistic MD who said he thinks it's emotional. He suggested I do some kind of aggressive physical exercise. I shared about it in a meeting a couple days ago, and somehow I feel all around less shameful about it. I get it that it's not my fault, and I cannot control it. I get that I am doing everything in my power and that it simply may not be enough to resolve the situation. And that is okay.

What happens in my life when everything is going well? My bills are paid, I have taken care of all of the details that need taking care of, I have no drama with people, I am happy with all of my relationships, I like my home, I have goals and a purpose. There's a part of my that is very content, and another part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess what there is to do is to be grateful, extremely grateful.

New Things

I just spent an hour changing the colors on the blog. It was ready for a new look- and now it's ready for some new material! My life has changed immeasurably since I last wrote in May. The short of it is this:

I ended a year long, completely unhealthy romantic relationship.

I went on a vision quest during which I spent 4 days, alone on Mount Shasta.

I learned to build fire!

I burned a box of journals dating back to 1993.

I moved out of my home in Patagonia.

I moved into a studio apartment in West Hollywood.

I went to Burning Man.

I met a good man who I started dating.

My friend Cami, with the help of Ikea and a couple of strong guys decorated my entire apartment.

I started regularly attending recovery meetings.

I got a sponsor.

I made sauerkraut.

Many other things have for sure happened, and all of it has been a whirlwind. I think I love LA. I'm still getting to know my surroundings. My new boyfriend lives in San Francisco so I've been up there a lot of weekends, which is pretty much like going home for a visit.

The main thing that has overshadowed just about everything else for about a year now, is something I was really in denial about until quite recently, and I finally feel I am having some clarity around it.

SCABIES

There. I said it. I am naming it as something I had for a year. It was only on my arms. They itched so unbelievably that I wanted to rip them off. I have the scabs and scars to prove it.

It began with a series of mosquito bites that itched like crazy. Then the bites were gone and my arms continued to itch- particularly at night, particularly in the elbow creases. I thought it was from eating sugar, or from emotional upheaval. It did seem to lessen as I cut out sugar for a few months and as the emotional stuff felt like it was settling. And yet it did not go away. I guess I started to accept it as just a part of life.

Then I went to Burning Man and met Bee. We started to spend a lot of time together pretty immediately. He became aware of my situation which brought my attention back to it. And it started itching worse. And he suggested that it might be scabies.

I freaked out. I researched it. It seemed possible yet not probable until... he started itching too.

I went to the acupuncturist who kinda shrugged when I said scabies. She gave me some herbs to take to restore the balance of yin and yang in my body, figuring that will take care of whatever is going on.

I spoke to my cousin who was a dermatologist for 30 years. He said it's very unlikely that it is scabies, though he had no idea what it is.

I found hundreds of accounts online of people who have had itchy arms for 10 years or more with little or no success in treatment.

I looked up the affirmations for arms and itching in Louise L. Hay's book- she believes all medical conditions result from emotional imbalances.

And yesterday, I did the full scabies treatment. I washed every item of clothing and bedding in hot water and dried it on high heat. Anything that could not be washed I placed in plastic garbage bags to sit for two weeks. I vacuumed everything, even the furniture and sprayed it all with lice spray. And then I took a shower, after which I applied premethrin, a pesticide, to my entire body.

To my incredible surprise, I actually feel about a million times better. They say the itching can last another week or two and I should do the cream again in another week. Ok. In the meantime I posted the affirmations on my wall and I say them a lot. I'm drinking water, meditating, exercising, taking the Chinese herbs. I am going to see several bodyworkers in SF next week who I love. I actually practiced a little Yoga this morning and I realize I've gone to at least 1 class a week for the last month. Things are beginning to feel quite manageable.

The affirmations:

I lovingly hold and embrace my experiences with ease and with joy!

I am at peace where I am. I accept my good, knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled!

Love to YOU!

Savrah

What's coming through lately...

I've come to this page to write a blog entry a few times lately. I stare at the page for a few minutes, decide that I really have nothing to say, and then I leave. It's interesting really. Sometimes lately I am so aware of the fact that there is really no need for words- or maybe it's simply that I am challenged by the idea of attempting to communicate what's going on inside of me lately. So here's my attempt...

We are all spirit, embodied in physical form. While we are in these bodies, the lessons we are presented with are all about learning to recognize our true nature, love and accept ourselves and all others, remember who we truly are. Many of these lessons come through relationships with other people. Every time we have any reaction to any situation we have the opportunity to learn and grow. The way we do this is by separating ourselves from our thoughts and feelings. I am not merely my thoughts and feelings. They exist, as I have created them. The nature of thoughts and feelings is that they arise, and then they pass away. This wave will happen regardless of how I choose to respond to any particular thought or feeling. By attaching myself to thoughts and feelings I cause stress to my body, mind and spirit. When I allow these thoughts and feelings to exist without responding to them, my whole being is able to be in a state of calm and presence and I am able to recognize who I truly am- god, embodied in a physical form. And then there is nothing to worry about. When I am present in the moment, simply recognizing my thoughts and feelings without attempting to judge them, (good or bad), there is nothing to do, nothing to solve, nowhere to go. All is well.

My world is completely created by my intention, desires, thoughts and feelings. Whatever I choose to place my attention on is what occurs for me. If I choose to focus energy on what I want yet do not have, I will continue to want and n0t have that thing. When I choose to focus my energy on what I truly desire, and put forth energy towards that truly existing in my life, I see that it does truly exist already. If I imagine something which I want and keep thinking of it as something existing in the future, it will stay in the future. I truly believe that I actually have everything I could possibly want right now. When I set intention towards what it is that I truly desire, I do so imagining that whatever it is, I am rich with that right now. It definitely takes a leap of faith to experience this. And in my experience it is completely 100% true all the time.

Often, in the past, when I would think of what I desired, I'd get bogged down in thinking about "how" that thing would happen. Sometimes, in the past, I have gotten so involved in figuring out the "how", that I have failed to notice when whatever it is that I desire is being presented to me in a different way than I had envisioned. Like for example I would think, "how am I going to make money if I have no job", and then I would come up with plans and lists for how that was going to happen. This would occupy my mind and my time so much that I failed to recognize that somehow, while I was thinking and thinking and stressing out about the how, I was actually living for months without a job and my needs were completely being taken care of. People were offering me opportunities to trade for goods and services, and I even got a mysterious check in the mail. When I realized this it was like a huge weight suddenly lifted from my shoulders. "You mean I can actually thrive doing exactly what I want and everything is okay?", I would think. Little by little, through trust and faith, I have come to believe more and more that this is not only possible, it is the exact nature of how the Universe works.

One huge epiphany I have been struck with over the past months is the value of having faith in god, or whatever you recognize as a higher power. For me, I always intellectually accepted the idea that there is some force of nature governing the Universe, yet I did not recognize the faith within me through experience. This changed for me when I was hanging around a spiritual community that uses music as a major part of their spiritual practice. When I would listen to these folks play music and when I would sing with them, something just hit me deep in my soul. I suddenly was able to connect so many dots of faith that were lying within me- so many times I had called it love, or intuition, or just feeling good. I realized that all of those moments were actually moments when I was feeling oneness with spirit. Once I started to accept this as reality, truth, I was able to connect with it more and more. Now I am starting to really get that I am fully supported by the Universe at all times, no matter where I am, what I am thinking or doing. This has allowed me to feel completely safe, calm and happy regardless of whether I am alone or with others, whether the weather is sunny or cloudy, and whether I am feeling good or bad. As far as I see it, it's all wonderful and it's all part of the grand plan. And it's not my job to understand the grand plan- I just have to play out my part. Whew!

I think that's where I'll leave it for today. My intention is to use this space to continue to get clearer and clearer with the messages that are coming through me lately. Thanks to anyone that happens to read this.

Fermentation Party

It's 2:47 on saturday. Today at 4 is the first event for the Patagonia Raw Food Meetup group. It's happening here at my house. I am going to teach an hour long class on fermentation and then we will have a potluck. I am planning to spend about an hour preparing- cleaning up the house, getting out the materials for the demo, and getting mentally and emotionally prepared. I'm mostly really relaxed and looking forward to it. Making fermented foods has really become my main passion lately. I make at least a one gallon batch of something a week, usually more. I do lots of variations of kraut and kimchi, pickled vegetables of all kinds, kombucha, kefir, seed cheeses, (though not so much of that lately). It usually takes about two hours to do a large batch of veggies.

I am excited to be able to have the floor for an hour, to share something that I love. There are so many ways to do fermentation, and I am going to share about the way I do it. And it's going to be hands on. Everyone will get to do some chopping and some massaging.

Sandor Katz is pretty much my fermentation hero. He wrote the book Wild Fermentation which is the most comprehensive modern book on the subject. What I like about him is his absolute faith and trust in the fermentation process itself. I share this faith too. And sure, there are some ways that I do things differently from him.

I just love the idea that people are coming here to be in my kitchen, where I play all the time, and they have an interest in what I love to do. Come to think of it my ultimate career fantasy is that I get to do what I love to do and people come over to learn about it. I'm curious about making this a reality.

I love that lately I have simply been doing what I want and not concerning myself with thoughts about how I "need to get a job" or that I "need to have a purpose, be doing something important, be of service to the world in a particular way". Well, I guess those thoughts are obviously around, and also I am allowing them to exist, yet not dwelling on them too much. My energy is going much more into what do I want to do right now? What would I like my life to be like this moment, and what are my visions for the furture? When I am concentrating on these things, time seems to pass without me being particularly aware of it, and yet everything that needs to get done seems to get done. It's been a bit of a trip to start having these experiences rather than simply knowing about them, thinking about them, wishing for them.

I see that it's now 3:06 so I am going to get on with the preparations.

:)

Best World Ever

I returned last night from two days in Las Vegas. I went there to attend the wedding of my best friend Emily.

We've been friends since the first grade. We became friends when we were trying to walk past each other between two tables in our classroom. We both looked up at each other, smiling, and we realized that we had both lost the same tooth. She left my school after second grade, though that didn't stop us from being friends. We used to spend every Saturday together when we were kids and then we graduated to spending hours each night on the phone as teenagers. The only break in our relationship came when I had a boyfriend senior year of high school. I was so consumed with my first experience of romantic love that I stopped calling Emily for almost the whole year. Thank god she was willing to forgive me after that. Ever since we both moved away from Baltimore we have been in consistent touch. We used to talk once a week for an hour. We would see each other a couple times a year, mostly we would go on vacations together. That was fun! These past few years, since she started dating, and then living with Joe, we talk and see each other less frequently, though the connection is strong. I'll always consider her my best friend.

It was incredibly special to get to be at her wedding. It was in a court house in Las Vegas, and I was one of three guests. It was short and sweet, and after the wedding the newlyweds and I spent the day hiking in this beautiful canyon right near the Hoover Dam. Then they went out to dinner and I watched, "Good Will Hunting", on tv in my suite at the Venetian. All in all it was really perfect.

I am now back home in Patagonia.
I love it here.
The weather is awesome right now and everything is so beautiful.
Tomorrow it is back to working on the garden and my singing group at night.
The house is wonderful, the plants are thriving, I'm really enjoying my mellow routines of meditating, exercising, eating well, fermenting food, going to do activities around town, emailing and talking with friends and family. Life is starting to feel quite simple and relaxing.

It's an adjustment to accept that there is no problem- everything is just as it should be, just as it is. Rather than focusing on what I "want", I've been setting visions for what my life is, recognizing all that I am grateful for. Guess what? It really is that simple. I have decided that as tempting as it can be to engage in the drama of relationships, the media, stuff (having or not having it), good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, "trying" to do or be anything, even thoughts and emotions...as tempting as all of that can be at times- IT"S NOT WORTH IT! And it's completely unneccesary!

I had this Indian swami who was a teacher of mine once and he always used to say, "You are the Happiness". It's true. You are everything you think you want to be or are searching, seeking, working or trying to be. You already are it. Really.

The way I am coming more and more into recognizing this on a moment by moment basis is by shifting my language and my thinking. I have completely shifted to placing the focus of my attention to the best possible outcome of everything, all the time. When some thought or feeling comes up that is contradictory to this way of being, I allow it to arise, without placing any meaning on it, and eventually it passes away. This process is slow, and there are many moments daily when I catch myself in old habit patterns of thought, feeling, action. I am beginning to really appreciate those moments as learning opportunites, and they get easier and easier all the time. I am motivated by the vision of everyone believing in possibility for themselves and others, all the time- everyone seeing the best in themselves and in others all the time. This is the world I am living into and you have my permission to live in this world too. Think about it...

Projects that are Manifesting in My life NOW

I am in the eye of the tornado. I feel extremely calm, grounded, centered. And I can see the world spinning around me at a severely advanced rate. I'm not actually referring to the state of America right now, though things are certainly spinning these days. What I am talking about is the fact that there is such an abundance of projects and activities going on in my own life- so many things to devote energy and attention to, and I can feel them all calling to me for attention. How cool!

Here's a short list of some of what's brewing:

1. My book- How I know what I know and How You can Figure it Out Too.
2. Join a Burning Man camp
3. Home Garden
4. Sprouting at Rothrock
5. Making and Sharing Savrah Kraut and Pickles
6. Manifestation of my Soul Mate
7. Monday Sing It In! Sing It Out!
8. Room Rental Project
9. Sell the Isuzu
10. Sending weekly recipes to Mary
11. Fridays at the Sprout house
12. Weekly bodywork sessions
13. Daily Routine- journal, meditaion, yoga/exercise, smoothie
14. House cleaning and Organizing
15. Sunday Kirtan
16. Tuesday Dance freedom
17. Wednesday Conscious Language
18. Thursday and Saturday ACA meetings

I'm excited to spend time and energy on each of these things, and in fact they are really what I'm already doing. The best part is that I am learning and experiencing that the more I simply set myself a plan and then let it go and allow myself to be in the energetic flow of life, the more of the things from my plan seem to get accomplished- and with way less effort to make them happen. You know what I mean?? It's really true what they all say... Let go and let god, go with the flow, lean into it, float downstream, etc, etc.

even right now, for example. It's pretty late for me to be up- after 11. Part of me wants to berate myself for staying up too late and make myself get to bed this instant so that I can accomplish all I would like to do tomorrow. And then the other part of me is all about forgiving myself for wanting to be mean and forceful- allowing myself to write this blog entry, which is something I've been wanting to do lately, and trusting that I'll get to bed at the time I need to and that tomorrow will be however it's meant to be. And I know it will. And I trust that it may or may not look like I imagine it to.

Today I finished planting all of my garden seeds in starter trays and then Chip and I went to pick up all of the materials to build the fence which will protect the garden from all of the critters that might want to eat the food. We're going to start building hte fence on Monday and I am really looking forward to it!

I made a bunch of kale chips again yesterday and they should be completely dehydrated by tomorrow. I have been working on this recipe for a few weeks now, which was inspired by these "Quite Cheezy Kale Chips" made by Blessing in Berkely. I like some of the concoctions I've created even better than the Blessing version. The only drawback is that each time I make them I eat them soooo quickly because they are THAT good. even the ones in the dehydrator now- I've eaten half of the batch and they are not completely done yet! the basic recipe is that you take a bunch of any kind of kale, or collards or chard and cut it into 1-2" strips. Put it in a large mixing bowl. In the vitamix, combine some kind of nuts or seeds with nutritional yeast, lemon juice, red bell pepper, salt and water. Blend all of that up into a creamy sauce, pour it over the kale, mix well, spread on a dehydrator tray with a teflex sheet and dehydrate until super dry at 105. They are really really tasty!

I was gifted a jasmine plant today that is healing from a few too many nights left out in near freezing temperatures. Jasmine is my absolute favorite scent lately, and house plants are my absolute obsession lately. So I feel sbsolutely blessed for the opportunity to care for this sweet being. I transplanted her into a large pot with some yummy organic potting soil and I brought her inside- she's actually just a few feet from me now. She already looks much more confortable and I am sending all the healing energy I have her way. I can almost smell the sweet scent of her blooms.

I also acquired my first orchid yesterday. With all of the new houseplants that have come into my life in teh past few weeks it feels so nice to be in this house. I love my house and I love the peace and calm of being here without any housemates. I feel so fortunate to have the opportunity to spend this time here- just me, the plants, the mice and the ants.

I think I am ready to go to sleep now. Have a fantastic day...night...week...life :)

Hellloooooo!

Whoa! I just came online to write the first blog entry in several months, the first entry to begin to share with you some of the incredible journey of transformation I have been on over the past few months. A large part of that sharing, (I thought), were some of the 568 photos I took with my iphone during my travels. Somehow, as I was attempting to download the photos, they were showing up in two locations on my computer, so I deleted them from one section- all of them. Not just photos from this trip...all of my photos. And not only did I delete them, I put them in the trash. And not only did I put them in the trash, I emptied the trash. And I did all of this quite deliberately, thinking I was being smart, saving tons of space on my computer.

Well guess what. What I actually did was to delete every single photo I have taken since I left to travel the world in 2005. Yeah. Pictures of the 8 months I spent in Nepal and India, Korea and Japan, Norway, France and England. Pictures from my sister's wedding, all of the photos I had of my niece's first year and a half of life, all of my photos of the past year at the Tree, several Burning Mans and Witchcamps, and Witchlets. So many food photos which might have made it into a book someday. So many friends I may or may not ever meet again. So many memories...

And you know what? The way I feel is odd. I am sorta sad, a little bit. Yet mostly, I am incredibly relieved. My heart feels so open, as if a huge stopper has been taken out, as if I have just been unplugged, unclogged, and the flood gates are opened for emotion, freedom , love, connection to come gushing out of me. Hallelujah!!

So I do apologize that I have no photos to share from my journey. They were awesome. Here are the highlights I remember:

1. So many food pictures- Meals I ate along the way...Big salads I made from the cooler in the back of my car, in my bamboo bowl. Meals I ate with friends I visited- Adam in Jacksonville, Laura in Chapel Hill, at Jamie's in Boulder, with my family in Baltimore, and again with my family on Captiva Island, SO many meals from my stay at the Optimum Health Institute, so many raw restaurants, Health food stores and farmers markets I visited:

Present Moment Cafe, St. Augustine, Fl
Shakti Life Kitchen, Jacksonville FL
Cafe Gratitude, Harrison St., SF, CA
Daily Juice Cafe, Austin, Tx
Whole Foods Raw Bar, Austin, Tx
Euphoria Loves Rawvolution, Los Angeles, CA
Julianos, Los Angeles, CA
Au Lac, Redondo Beach, CA

Santa Monica Farmers Market
Hollywood Farmers Market
San Francisco Ferry Building Farmers Market
Downtown Austin Farmers Market
Tucson Farmers Market

Rainbow Grocery, SF, CA
Co-opportunity, Santa Monica, CA
Erewhon Market, Los Angeles, CA
Whole Foods Austin- the flagship store!
Wheatsville Coop, Austin, Tx
Vitamin Cottage, Boulder, Co
So many Whole Foods stores- they seem to have one in almost every city these days
Some independent HF store in Chapel Hill, NC
Another independent HF store/juice bar in Naples, Fl

I'm sure I'm missing some. Oh- I took a lot of pics I thought I might use to market my catering services at the retreat I catered in Joshua Tree. whoooooo, (that's a deep, cleansing breath out my mouth).

2. So many pics of people I met along the way, and friends I saw for the first time in so long- one I hadn't seen in 15 years. And pics of Jamie's son, and my niece, and my family who were together for the first extended family trip ever.

3. So many incredible pics I took from my car- the most awesome sunsets, mountains, desert, highways, bridges, tunnels, downtown city centers I passed from the interstate, welcome signs for each state I entered, Karen in her car from me in mine.

4. Beautiful natural pics from spots I was in...on the beach in Cali and also on the gulf and on the coast in Florida, Barton Springs in Austin, Hot Springs in Bridgeport, CA, seagulls, crows, plants, trees...

5. Every room I stayed in from friends houses to hotels, to the incredible house we stayed in with my family, to my cute beach studio on Venice Beach.

6. Funny signs I came across, odd images I saw.

7. And a LOT of self portraits, in all of the phases of my journey. This was some kind of tangible evidence for myself that I was truly transforming.

So yeah, they are all gone. Goodbye :)

I am excited to be back home, in Patagonia, and getting settled in a whole new way. I look forward to taking time over the next weeks to share with you some of what has occurred and some of what I am living into now. For the moment, I'll leave you with this...

You truly are a manifestation of the beautiful, perfect, light of the Universe.
There is absolutely no need to question that and all the reason in the world to CELEBRATE!
You are deeply loved and held by whatever you think of as God- even if you don't believe you are!
And God, (or whatever name you have for higher power, spirit, great mother, energy, Buddha, Allah, Shiva, Krishna, Jesus, etc), only and always has your best interest at heart.
Everything that you do, everything that happens to you, everything you experience truly happens for an exquisitely good reason in exactly the way that it was meant to. This means that if you want, you can let go of attempting to control your life. And if you want to, you can hold on with tight fists. The thing is, that as you can see by all of the events around us lately, this illusion that we refer to as , "REALITY", is crumbling pretty quickly these days. And truly there is NOTHING TO FEAR and EVERYTHING TO REJOICE!

So...I say...LOVE all of yourself, all of your thoughts and feelings, all of your experiences whether they feel good or bad, all of the people you come in to contact with, all of the places you go, foods you eat, habits you practice, situations you encounter. The thing to really get is that YOU ARE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS. You are a balll of light who has the incredible fortune of spending a lifetime in a body so that you have the opportunity to witness all of the joys and pains of this physical world. Observe it, witness, enjoy it, and let it go. Everything which arises, passes away. Think about it. Meditate. Be grateful. Give it away. You are a gift.

Much love to each of you and I look forward to sharing stories of how I went from my darkest hour to the top of the highest mountain in 3 months.

Be well, enjoy the moment!
Love, Love, and SONG,
Savrah