Thursday, July 21, 2011

In Love with Life

I'm sitting down to write for the first time is a bit, and the way I feel now is about a million miles from how I've ever ever felt before. Not to be completely dramatic...and...holy shit!

I am absolutely, for sure, unbelievably, happier than I have ever my life.

It's like I have spent the past few years...many years, preparing myself for what is happening now. And I believe that I am as ready as I will ever be.

What has happened is that I am in LOVE. I don't mean to sound cheesy, because there is absolutely nothing cheesy about the way I feel, or the man I fell in love with, or anything about our relationship. And at the same time, it's waaay cheesy. The things we say to each other, the things we do for each other- sheesh.

And believe it or not...we met online.

About 7 weeks ago I came to the conclusion that relationship is actually really important to me, and I want to be in one-a good one. My therapist encouraged me to join some online sites and for the first time, I actually did it- wholeheartedly. I went on a number of mediocre dates. They were always coffee dates in my neighborhood. He had to live close by. The guys were always under 5' 10". I even went to a speed dating event.

And then this man and I got connected through ok cupid- a free site. He invited me for hike in Santa Monica where he lives. He was 6' 1". For some reason I said yes. When I saw him walking towards me on the street where we first met, I immediately decided that he wouldn't be into me because he was so tall. He was a "man", not a boy. I was wearing these camo yoga pants and I had my dreadlocks in pony tails. I was just being myself.

The hike was fun. perfect. We got along very well. I felt no pressure because I figured there was no way he would be interested, which really put me at ease. He invited me to dinner after the hike and I said yes. I got a little feeing of excitement in my chest. When we were sitting at the restaurant, looking at the menu to decide what to get to go, his leg was touching mine. That was the first moment I thought that maybe he liked me. That was also the first moment that I connected with the fact that I liked him.

It didn't take long after that that we were in his apartment. We spent the entire night awake= talking, kissing, watching funny youtube videos, talking, kissing. It was amazing.

Then I went away for the weekend- which was absolutely perfect. When I got back from that trip we ended up spending the following week together. Then I went away again for two weeks- though I came home to see him for two days in the middle.

It was all perfect. It is all perfect. Being with him gives me access to all the best parts of myself, and sheds a gentle light on the challenging parts. I am so absolutely grateful to him, to whatever greater source exists that is looking out for me, and for him, and to every experience I have had that has prepared me for this experience. I am extremely grateful to all of the previous teachers I have had who have led me to the exact spot I am in today. I am so utterly happy, joyous, and excited for every next moment, every joy, every challenge that awaits.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I'm in Denver for a few days. I'm staying with a friend who hired me to come out and cook for her. She's got a writing deadline and she thought it would be easier if she had some fairly healthy food prepared that she could eat now, and have in the freezer for later. It's a great idea and a super gig for me!

So this is what happens for me often. I'm doing this gig- or any new work endeavor, and I start to think that it is a great idea. I start to think more about it. Ok, this is fun- I could market this. I could have a few clients that wanted the same food. I could serve some now and package some to freeze. It all sounds good. And then I stop myself. I start thinking- who would the clients be? How much could I charge. How would I market my services. Would I really want to do this for a number of people. And then I let the idea go.

I've done it so many times. I have so many ideas. I've done so many projects one time, or two times. I lack confidence in my abilities. I wonder whether they really like the food.

People say they like the food. Today I got an email from a caterer I work for asking me for a recipe because she wants to use it at an upcoming gig. I make food every week for one friend, and this friend in Denver flew me out here to cook for her.

Low self esteem is really a bummer.

I spend my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop- of course it's going to!

All of this said, I'm not entirely sure how to turn it around. Part of me thinks I just have to feel all of the fear and discomfort and resistance and do it anyway. Part of me thinks I ought to be grateful for the awesome opportunities I do have- which I am- and I should just be glad I'm doing ok.

part of me thinks I think too much.

Generally though, I'm feeling pretty good overall. We went to the Korean spa today and had massages. Tomorrow it's potato leek soup and a roasted veggie quiche. Friday it's back to LA. And I did move. And I love my new home.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hello Again

Well, it's been a year since I last posted. Today I read all of my previous entries and was amazed to remember all that has happened since I started this blog. Things have really changed a lot in my life. I am still living in Los Angeles, getting ready to move out of my studio apartment, into a larger one bedroom. I'm still doing catering work, and I just had the opportunity to do a raw gig, which doesn't happen very often. It went really smoothly.

Most things in my life look pretty good from the outside these days. I'm doing the catering and I'm also a personal chef for a friend of mine. I'm pretty involved in a recovery program where I go to meetings just about every day and am connected to a lot of people through that. I've started going to group therapy once a week which I like. I've started to volunteer for different organizations in the city. I'm gonna keep looking around until I find one I really enjoy. Like I said, I'm moving into a nicer, bigger apartment in a nice neighborhood. I have a decent amount of friends, though I really don't feel a sense of community. I'm not dating anyone which is kind of ok, and kind of lonely.

The main thing that is going on is that I feel deeply sad, a lot of the time. I know there are things I could be doing to make myself feel better and I am having a difficult time motivating myself to do all of them. My diet is not so good, though I am not overeating and my weight has pretty much stayed the same for over a year, which is pretty astounding for me. I'm smoking and drinking coffee which feel really good to me right now, though I know they are not very healthy. I keep thinking about the idea of exercising more, but I just don't want to do it. I keep thinking about getting a part time job at a cafe or something, but I just don't want to do that either. I am on a couple online dating sites, but I can't get myself to respond to anyone who writes to me because I just don't want to go out with them.

I'm not sure how I have become this person. I know this time won't last forever. I know the only person who can change my situation is myself. I know I am a good person, a good friend, and I have a lot of gifts. I'm just in a really stuck place right mow and I guess I must want to be here, because I do believe we get what we want. All I feel like I can do is pray for the inspiration to feel better, and to do the things that will facilitate that

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Finding Some Sort of Balance

Last night I went to a diner at 10pm and ate a tuna melt. When the waitress took my order she said, "do you want fries with that?", and I said, "Yes!", enthusiastically without even flinching or thinking about it. It tasted okay- not great- but pretty good and I ate the whole thing, including all of the fries. I felt tired right after I ate it and I woke up this morning noticing that my face felt greasy. A woman at the table was talking about how lately she is moving more and more towards a vegan diet, just naturally, because meat is starting to gross her out. I feel like I am moving naturally in the opposite direction. And as I experiment more and more with eating all kinds of cooked food I am learning what my body truly wants, and what it doesn't want.

Here's what I've discovered:

Animal protein- yes! preferably chicken, free range, grain fed, whole animal-bone in, roasted, I'm even wanting to eat the bone marrow

Dark Leafy Greens= Yes! Mostly raw, though steamed kale is ok, or collards

Other veg- not so much- a little radishes and cukes in salad

Dairy- No!

Beans- only sprouted mung beans at the moment

Grains- not so much- maybe a little quinoa here and there

Coffee- Yes! Though there's definitely a voice of judgement around that, and also sheer joy in having it.

Nuts- No!

Seeds- a little- pumpkin, hemp

Fruit- some citrus as long as it's organic and good! Cravings for bananas.

Other sweeteners/snacks- not so much.

Sauerkraut/kimchi- Yes!

It feels good to write that out. It feels good to be honest about it and to not feel incredibly guilty about what I'm eating. I'm still not overeating which is a miracle. Last night I did have a moment after I ate when I thought- 'shit, I hope I don't start gaining weight'.

I went to Whole Foods the other night at about 10pm. I shopped around for something to eat. I bought: a roasted chicken, some vegan rice paper rolls with peanut sauce, 2 half pints of different kale salads, and three packs of dehydrated veggie snacks- sweet potato, string bean, and oyster mushroom, and some dried mango. Being there and buying all of that stuff I had the same feeling I used to have when I would buy food to binge on. I was a little concerned that I would come home and eat it all. I felt a little embarrassed that other people would see me buying all of that stuff and think I was a pig. I also felt a little guilty because it cost a lot.

And then I came home. I tasted all of the dried veggies. I made a plate of chicken, kale salad and kimchi. And I ate it. I left the rest in the fridge or on the shelf and today, two days later, most of it is still there. I feel pretty amazed and pretty good about how that worked out.

I guess the point of all of this is that I want to acknowledge that something is shifting around my relationship to food. I have spent so much of my life in guilt and shame around eating and that is really being lifted. It does feel like a miracle!

Lately I have put some focus on god, or whatever you choose to call the divine force of the Universe. I have been questioning it's existence, and at the same time entertaining the idea that thinking I am in control of my life, or should be, is a complete joke. I have been exploring the idea that I am powerless over myself, other people, and pretty much everything except how I choose to react to whatever happens around me. In a way it's a huge relief. I realize that there is no perfect way to be and that I will get what I get regardless of whether I do the right thing or not. And the way things are with me and food are evidence that these things are true.

I also realize that there are things I can do to make life more manageable in moments where I just don't get what I want. I can call someone who will simply listen to me without offering suggestions. I can distract myself by doing something else. I can do preventative things like exercising and meditating. And a new one is that I can get on my knees and pray. I can write. I can talk to myself.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Facing The Music

Well, I'm here. In LA. Staying put.

And sucks.

On the outside things look pretty good. I've been working some- not a lot, though I have enough money to survive and that was what I wanted anyway- to ease in. And I generally get to make food everyday without having to spend money on it which is a huge help in maintaining my sanity.

My relationship is going well. He was just here last week for almost a week and I had a really good time. He's in SF now, and he's coming back after the first of the year which I'm looking forward to. And I know that I will be able to get up there sometime in January too- so for the meantime, that seems okay.

Generally, I'm just feeling really anxious and insecure. I'm having a hard time motivating to do things to make me feel more connected here, and more at ease.

It all makes sense. I really did spend the past few years moving around a lot- seeking, searching, looking for my purpose in life. I felt like there had to be something I was meant to do and that when I found it, everything would fall into place quite simply. I would know where to live, how to make money, what relationship to be in, what activities to pursue. And now I realize that either I haven't found it yet, or that that idea is simply a fantasy. Or that those things are really happening and I just can't seem to recognize it. That last thought has got me kinda down. It's like- now that you have everything you thought you wanted out of life you are supposed to be giddy all the time. It makes me think that I have been on this search- not for the selfless goal of fulfilling my life's purpose, but for the selfish goal of easing some sort of deep pain. And I am distorted in thinking that the pain I feel could even be eased by things that are coming from anywhere other than inside of me.

And what the heck is that pain anyway? It feels like it goes back to all of these ideas I have which are not really true, and yet I hold onto fiercely- I'm not good enough, I don't deserve to get what I want, I am unloveable, I am needy, I am immature...I could probably go on, though I'm not sure it's useful. I know that those things are not true and that in order to keep remembering that they are not true it is important to do things that remind me otherwise.

I know that these ideas are common. Everyone thinks them at times- or at least I have heard a lot of people share that they have thoughts like this.

I feel like I want a record playing all the time of other people telling me how wonderful I am. Like hearing that all the time would boost me up enough to go out into the world and act like it's true- and then I would meet people who see me as this amazing person, and then I would continue to be that person. Because I can be that person at times. There are times that I love myself. There are times that I am feeling confident enough that I can be so engaged with another person that I can simply forget about all of that negative self talk and be present. Lots of times- probably most of the time really.

Writing all of this down, publishing it, makes me feel quite shameful. I'm not sure why I'm even doing it- whether it's a good idea or not. I'm just sick of hiding things- particularly from myself. And I'm getting pretty tired of feeling bad. And I'm feeling like I ought to try whatever I can to accept the feelings and allow them to pass. Because I know that everything which arises passes away, and that the more difficult things generally are, the more I end up learning and growing, and the more grateful I am in hindsight.

I'll end with what I am grateful for at this moment:

1. I have a comfortable home which I can afford.
2. I have at least 3 friends who live in town that I can hang out with.
3. I have a few close friends that I can talk to on the phone.
4. I have a family that loves me.
5. I have a boyfriend who is sweet, and patient, and understanding.
6. I have a recovery community here.
7. I have so many tools to help me lead a healthy life.

That's all for now.

ps If anyone happens to read this I would love to hear from you.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Here, there and everywhere- well, mostly LA and SF

Ah, I'm back in LA after a little over two weeks away. It was an incredible whirlwind of a trip, and now I'm quite happy to be home. And I'm here for just 3 days before I head back to SF for the weekend. Then I'm back for another 3 days before I go up to SF and then to Reno for Thanksgiving. So much traveling is beginning to get to me.

I think a lot of the reason I've been away so much is that I'm avoiding being settled here in my new home, in Los Angeles. If I choose to really admit that I am living in this new place where I don't know where everything I need is, and I don't have so many friends, and I don't have steady's a little bit scary. I get to really make this business happen. I can take some classes and join some groups, and make some new friends. I get to find out where to go for all the things I need. And I guess once I begin to do those things, it is inevitable that I will become somewhat attached. I will be planting roots, once again, in a city which is far away from where I came, and far away from most people I love.

And also I have been going to SF a lot, because the man I am dating is there and I love spending time with him. And that travel has been so fun and exciting. And on this last visit something has shifted. Up until this visit, each time I have gone there it has been really fun, and when I leave it has been sweet and easy to say goodbye. This time, the day before I left I began to feel some anxiety. It was almost as if I didn't want to go, even though I really did want to come home- I just didn't want to leave him. For so many reasons I really love the way things are- him living in SF and me down here. I get to go up there and be in my old hometown, and see my friends, and spend sweet time with this man I so adore. He lives right down the street from where Paul teaches yoga on the weekends, I've been able to see my awesome chiropractor and other bodyworkers, I get to eat at Cafe Gratitude and shop at Rainbow- it's pretty cool. I guess it's simply the traveling that is taxing on me. And the expense. And maybe my mind is jumping towards the future- wondering if this is sustainable long term. I guess it's really all about taking things as they come and letting go of thoughts about the future.

In general, I have been doing some thinking about this relationship. It's been going on for almost three months. In some ways it feels way shorter and in other ways it feels like we've been together a long long time. I love and less than love that we are complete opposites in so many ways. I've been joking that they could make a sitcom out of our story. I love the constant opportunities that I get to let go of my viewpoints, and to let go of the ways I've attempted to get what I want through manipulation- he generally doesn't play that game. I love that he is incredibly intelligent, and quite good at many things I'm less than the best at. I love that he is incredibly generous with his time and his space and that he is happy to talk about whatever I want to talk about, most of the time. I love that he is super active and always wants to do something- and I love that we actually don't do very much most of the time. I love that he is not too tall, and he is handsome, and I love cuddling up to him in bed. There are many more things I could add to this list, and I think I'll stop here for now.

And then there are the things I less than love. Most of them are actually ways in which the actual person differs from the idea I had in my mind of the type of person I would date. It's things like the fact that our political and spiritual views appear to differ greatly- though I'm not sure that in the end they really do. It's silly moments, like when we were in Rainbow and he was buying brown sugar, and he was insistent on buying it in a package versus bulk. I was feeling like "WHY??", because I am such a fan of bulk items- I feel like they are cheaper and fresher and if anything they save on packaging. And he felt like it would be much easier to get the package. It's completely ridiculous that I got upset about that. And I did. And what went through my mind was, 'is this really the guy for you?'. THAT SEEMS CRAZY, now that I think about it.

Maybe being in a relationship is really an opportunity to take a good look at yourself. Maybe it's a chance to say hey- you are really being ridiculous about some things and if you want to get along in the world it would serve you to lighten up. I am grateful for those lessons, because I do want to get along in the world. And I do love all of the good stuff. And I do appreciate the challenges. I am actually really happy with the whole situation.

So I guess I'll make the most of my 3 days in LA. I'll do laundry, hopefully get into Rawvolution or at least talk to them, ride my bike, go to some meetings, get to the coop or erewhon, go to Agape tonight, head to the doctor tomorrow, pay bills, etc. Mostly I will spend time getting grounded before my next adventure....

Friday, October 23, 2009

Checking In

I'm not sure what to write and I want to check in. I've been going to a lot of recovery meetings lately and I tend to feel the same way there about sharing. Everyone has the opportunity to speak there. You get three minutes to say pretty much whatever you want and noone will answer back. It's generally really freeing- though much better if the share is really honest, really whatever is going on for me at that moment. And sometimes it's tough to access the bottom line- the deepest stuff. Sometimes I start talking and completely fumble my words and don't really get to the point. And generally, I am really liking going to the meetings, meeting lots of people who have similar experiences to mine, feeling like I fit into a group where I can have the opportunity to release some of the crazy thoughts in my head and hear some good ideas from other people.

My arms still itch, though I've had a shift in my attitude towards the situation. Somehow, I'm not quite as angry about it anymore. I've completed the scabies treatment. I've been taking my Chinese herbs. The acupuncturist believes there has been some improvement. I went to see a holistic MD who said he thinks it's emotional. He suggested I do some kind of aggressive physical exercise. I shared about it in a meeting a couple days ago, and somehow I feel all around less shameful about it. I get it that it's not my fault, and I cannot control it. I get that I am doing everything in my power and that it simply may not be enough to resolve the situation. And that is okay.

What happens in my life when everything is going well? My bills are paid, I have taken care of all of the details that need taking care of, I have no drama with people, I am happy with all of my relationships, I like my home, I have goals and a purpose. There's a part of my that is very content, and another part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess what there is to do is to be grateful, extremely grateful.